~She dances by the light of the moon~
Damn, Forgot Again
The 5 Gratitudes
1. Paycheck was great.
2. I had a good hair day yesterday.
3. My Estee Lauder perfume (Pleasures)
4. I work a short shift tonight
5. My friends feel at home in my house
Last night Leslie came over after work. She brought some wine coolers and a lighthouse calendar for me. She is a sweet friend. Then her and I went and rented some movies and a couple games for the kids.
When we got back to my place my brother was there waiting so he cooked chili Fritos while I slipped into my jammies. We watched "Enough" and then "Life or Something Like It".
Then Randy wanted me to read his Tarot. It cracked me up because when I said "This card shows your near future" it was the Death card! LOL! He flipped out. Naturally it doesn't mean physical death but a change.....out with old in with the new.
The kids had a great time. They love the extra attention they get from Leslie and Randy. It was a good night.
Work was interesting the other night (Wednesday). I found out that Chad tore RoseMarie a new asshole for telling me that Stella got the job (and that he may yet fire her---that will be two people he has fired because they pissed me off. He doesn't want his Jen mad). Also, he wants to bring Loretta into the office. I think that is bullshit. Loretta just ASKED if RoseMarie knew who got the position. RoseMaire shouldn't have answered. And really, it all comes back to Manager Brian who told RoseMarie in the first place. She had no right to know. But he is Management so his ass can't be touched.
Nancy and I got HBA zoned in about 1hour. Two of us work so much faster. But we didn't call it out until 5 to 10. We played around in Cosmetics. I was hoping to get caught and fired but it didn't happen. I really don't give a shit about that job anymore.
There are so many gossiping ass snakes in that store.
I found this in my old mail files and had to put it in here. I don't know who wrote it but it was sent to me at a time when my heart was broken and I felt very depressed. This truly was an awakening.
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. And you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
They must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
Wish Somebody Would Tell Me I'm Fine
Ughhh.....I hate this nasty feeling. I am feeling kind of bitchy, pissy and blue. I think it is too early for PMS......That shouldn't start until the end of this week...but it sure feels like PMS.
I am mad at work. Not because I didn't get the job but because that bitch did and Chad won't help me with that. He won't transfer me. Out one side of his mouth he calls me "an excellent associate" then he says I am acting "childish".
I am worried about my son.....I hope that it is nothing or that if it is his para thyroid they can control it with some gentle medicine...nothing that will cause bad side effects.
I am pissed at Mike because he wants me to come over for a "quickie" before work. Screw that. I don't need that kind of relationship. I had fun, but I am not going to be his steady booty call.
I am tired of never having time for myself. Everybody wants to dominate my time. This one particular friend just will not leave me alone. I can't even sit around in my pajamas for fear that she will come over.
Maybe seeing Nancy will help today. I don't know.
My hair sucks.
Hopefully things will be looking up by tonight.
5 Gratitudes
Even though it is early in the day I will list 5 gratitudes
1. Even though it thoroughly sucks, I have a job.
2. Tom gets out of school early today
3. I work a short shift tonight, 4-10.
4. I get paid tomorrow
5. good music
WHOOPS!!
Forgot the Big Five Gratitudes:
1. The health of myself and my children
2. good friends
3. good, safe sex
4. my brown boots and low rise jeans
5. got my waxing done
I believe in love, I believe in music, I believe in Magick and I believe in you.
I awoke bright and early to the sound of the phone ringing. It was Dr. Sexo's office calling to tell me that Tommy's blood tests came back and his calcium levels are too high. He could possibly have a para thyroid problem. I was worried sick all day about it because I thought I heard somewhere that heart problems also cause high calcium levels, but I could just be imagining things. So Leslie and I took him in after school.
The poor thing cried and cried because he didn't want to get his blood drawn...I don't blame him, I hate that shit, too. But Leslie and I were able to comfort him. I won't know the results for a couple days. I am going to be on pins and needles until I find out.
Randy and Leslie spent the afternoon at my house (until it was time to pick Tommy up from school). They are getting quite cozy. I think it's cute. We are all going to go out on Thursday. Don't know what we'll do....but I'm sure we'll figure out something.
I got "Booty Mail" today from Mike L. He wrote me to tell me how wonderful I was and that he wanted some more. So I told him to get some protection and we could talk.
I ended up going over there for about an hour and 45 minutes. And he did go out and get protection...which is a very good thing. He wanted me to go out to dinner with him afterward, but I just wanted to leave. I politely declined. He is only good for one thing. I enjoyed that one thing and it is time to move on.
We chatted tonight on the messenger and I found out he is a Republican with "strong right wing" beliefs. LOL, I think not! Not for me. I don't care how much money he has...I can tell he is a cheap ass, typical farming family....hoard the money. He does have a nice car, clothes and apartment but I was married to a farmer for nearly 10 years and I can see that even though he is not a farmer his family is and he holds the same basic beleifs.
I suppose there is something wrong with me that I can be intimate with someone and be so detached from them at the same time...but I don't know what to say about that. When I truly love someone I want to spend time with them outside the bedroom. With this idiot I only want to be in the bed with him and then that is only once in awhile. There is no future for us. I know that and gladly accept that. He wants to call me tonight but I told him not to. Just give it up, buddy.
I called in sick to work. I told them about Tom and told them I would bring a doctor's note. They were fine with that. They said the absence could be excused then. Good, great...like I give a damn what they think anymore.
I
Can't
Go
On
Living
This
Way
Finding Nothing But Questions and Devils
Ok, first the 5 Gratitudes, then it's off to major Bitchcraft:
1. My cell phone
2. I looked good today (good clothes and hair)
3. Laughing with my friends
4. Laundry is DONE
5. Don't have to work tomorrow
I must give a big FUCK YOU to Wal*Mart. I hate that den of white trash, welfare collecting, mullet-haired idiots. Management can suck the very clit the Goddess blessed me with.
I hate my job. I hate it. How am I supposed to get a HUGE department clean when a tornado of food stamp clutching Mexicans have been through it for about 4 hours? While I clean it they just come up right behind me and mess it up. It is the truest exercise of futility. I cannot take it. I adore my co-workers but the work is bullshit. There is no meaning to it. There is no point to it. There is no reward to it.
I was holding a big old bitchfest with Leslie about it. Some damn kid had scattered the toothbrushes from hell to breakfast and I just simply couldn't take it anymore. It took every ounce of will power to not walk out of that store. Leslie wanted to know what was wrong with me so I went off on a tangent about how useless it was to clean anything, how unfair it is to ask me--one person--to clean 10 fucking aisles of merchandise and about how much I hated working there. I told her they don't pay me enough to play with dinosaur toothpaste all freakin' night.
Methinks ASS't. Manager Chad heard me because he came down the aisle I was in and started talking to me. Just small talk, and making jokes about the comments Leslie and I made. Hell, he even zoned the Sanitary wall while he talked. Then I told Leslie, "I may not be HBA dept. manager but I am HBA QUEEN!" He laughed and said "Your day will come, Jennifer". I said "Is it true that I was in the top 3?" He said yes it was true and that it was a very hard decision to make. I asked him who got it and he wouldn't tell me. I said "Is it Stella? Just say yes or no." He refused. I said "Will you call me tomorrow and let me know?" He said "Nope." He goes "Do you WANT it to be Stella?" I said "NO!!!" He goes "Why not?" I didn't answer him. So, after awhile he left and told me he would send Roger from Garden Center over to help me.
Leslie gave me a high five and said "He likes you!" (As in thinking I am a good worker)
Then finally the blessed hour of 10pm arrived and I walked back with Loretta to clock out. On our way out the door, RoseMarie (my old dept. manager) walked in. We asked her who got the position and she said "Stella did." Loretta said 'Who told you that?" And she said "Ass't. Manager Brian". I was PISSED. I will never believe a word of gossip I hear in that fucking ass store. All these bullshit stories about her "dropping out". There is so much gossip and nonsense going on....nobody knows the truth.
I cried all the way home. Not because I didn't get the job but because that fucking cunt did. She is going to be on such a huge power trip. She will do her damndest to make my life miserable. I know her.
So, I called Chad when I got home and asked to be transferred. He wouldn't do it. First of all he was pissed that Rose Marie told me Stella got it. Then he thought I was upset because I didn't get the job. He goes "Frankly, Jennifer, you calling me up tonight and asking for a transfer just because you didn't get the job seems very childish." I said, "No, it's not a matter of "I'm taking my ball and going home" (to use Matt's phrase) I would have been perfectly happy to work as a team with someone else. But Stella and I have personality conflicts." I couldn't believe he said that shit to me. I hate him now. I shall make him feel my wrath one way or the other.
So, he wants us to try and work together through the Christmas Season. Then if we can't get along he will transfer me. Yeah, as if my ass will be there by then.
Priority one is to get a new job. Priority two is to make Stella and Chad's life a living hell.
I am so upset right now. I just want to get in my car and drive away until I come to the coast. Then strip off my clothes and swim to the bottom of the sea. I need to get out of here, away from these jerks, away from my stupid job.
Customer Assistance to the Fish Tanks
The 5 Gratitudes:
1. Good night at work
2. Great, big happy smiles on my face
3. friends at work
4. Hello Kitty toy for Winter
5. Good movie rental ("The Rats"--supposed to scary but was funny)
