Mad Enough to Scream but Sad Enough to Tear

Fuck me.

This day/night was/is and remains to be shit.

Firstly I get to work at hell and the Cosmetics manager comes up to me and asks me to "keep an eye" on Patty (the old useless bitch who stole money out of the register and got transferred to Cosmetics). I said I would. I don't know why I have to spy on her but whatever.

Then Stella the Cunt had a pallet drug out for me to work, plus I had to fill clipstrips and clean up after the pallet. Fun, fun, fun.

Finally after I did that I went to my break. I knew Mike would be coming in soon so I went by the personnell office and got an envelope to order a pin for my smock. It was a HBA pin. So, I sat down filling out the order form when Mike walks in looking like somebody just ran over his dog. He sat down with me and started shaking his head. I was like "What's wrong?" He said "I have to work Saturday." Goddamn, son of a bitch. I was pissed. I was hoping we could go out this weekend (as I'm sure he was, too) but nope. He has to work 8-5 at Walmart, then 10 to 7 at Valmont. Maybe, possibly we might be able to do something on Sunday but I doubt it because he will want to catch up on his sleep. Why does he push himself like this? His ex bitch has him paying $700/mo child support...and he wants to build a new house within two years. I don't know. I love him so very much but it hurts my soul to be away from him like this. Hell, we can hardly talk on the phone because he is at work all the time.

While we were sitting in the break room every damn body had to fucking ask me about what I was ordering, why I was ordering it, etc, etc. I mean, like 5 different people! Finally I said "I am buying crack!" Mike laughed and said "For $2? That is cheap!" I said
"I am taking orders! I'll charge y'all $5." Mike says "Does that include the needle?" and Josh (this guy who acts blantantly gay but is actually straight) said "Don't you smoke crack?" I said "Why, yes I do!" He goes "No , I mean..." I said "I know what you mean and Yes, I believe crack is smoked." Then he gets in Mike's face and says "Then what would you need needles for?" Mike got pissed and raised his voice. He said "It was a joke!" He didn't yell but his voice was raised and I could tell he was irritated. Then he sighed and said he had to get back to work.

Well, the vibe was just really bad after that so I went back to my area and tried to do someting but it was full of customers. So I just clocked out and took my lunch. I went home for lunch and cried and cried and cried.

I was upset because I won't get to see Mike this weekend. I didn't really think I would since he just had last weekend off...but I held out some small hope. Silly me. I am tired of working this suck ass 2-10 shift every goddamn day of my life. I hardly ever see my kids, Winter is sick (throwing up) and all of this is because of Ron's fuckery. I am stretched to the point of breaking. I want to just get in my car and go away.

After my crying jag I fixed my make up and went back to work. I wore the fucked up vest for the simple reason that I am damn tired of everyone saying "Do you work here??" even though I have a goddamn name tag on. Then they called everyone up front to check or line rush. OOOh, here was my big chance to line rush.

So I went up to the service desk and asked for the Telexon. It didn't have a battery in it which meant I had to go all the way back to lay away to get the battery and come back up front. As I was leaving to get the battery this bitch from Toys goes "I wish I could line rush. Must be nice not to have to check." Fuck her! Then once I did get the battery in the Telexon it wouldn't work right. I showed Chad and he goes "Well, I think we have it under control now anyway. But where is Cosmetics/HBA Telexon?" I said "It is in Diane's locker!" He said "Well you will have to have it from now on in case you have to line rush." Fine. Tell Diane that. She thinks she owns the fucking thing.

So, once again I go back to HBA. I am almost done zoning when Chad comes by. He goes "How's the zoning?" I said "Good." He goes "Good?" I said "Yes, this is all I have left to do". (referring to the Shampoo and hairspray aisle) He goes "Good. I was going to send Roger and Brian from Garden Center over to help you, but I'll send them to Toys and when you are done do me a favor and go help out over there." I did NOT want to go to Toys. I don't have a clue where that shit goes. I said "What about Cosmetics?" (Since Patty left at 6---actually there is a rumor that she was fired). He goes "Oh yeah! Cosmetics is a mess! Thank you for reminding me. When you are done head for Cosmetics." Fine.

So I finish up HBA and then do a little bit in Cosmetics. About 10 minutes later Chad comes by again. He says "Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer." I said "Chad, Chad, Chad." What the fuck was that about????????

I just want to pull a Slim Shady on that place. Burn it down and run out with both of my fingers in the air screaming "I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!"

  ¶ 1:02 AM

  A "Hoody" With A Woody

I did it! Damn, I am proud of myself! I got my clit hood (that word just cracks me up) pierced! What a rush.

I had the day off work so I spent it cleaning house, playing with Winter, and getting myself ready for the big piercing. I picked Tom up from school at 3, had him take a bath and then we left. I dropped them off at my sister's place and then I headed out to Wal*Mart to pick Leslie up.

She got off work at 5 so I got out there around 4:30. I shopped in the Garden Center while she counted down her drawer and clocked out. I got some more things for my seaside Christmas Village and then I ran back to Fabrics. I was there looking for some blue material to put on my table so it would look like water around my seaside village.

I was pawing through the different blue materials and I saw this blue velvet. I mumbled to myself how it was pretty but it probably cost too much. Suddenly Mike popped his head around the corner and said "BOO!" I smiled this HUGE smile! (I wanted to jump into his arms. He smiled back at me....God when we smile at each other a million unspoken words are exchanged. Sometime I'd love to just step outside of myself and watch us). He goes "What are you doing back here?" So I told him I was trying to find a fabric to look like water for my village. He said "How do you know how much this stuff is?" I said "I have no clue. I probably have to ask the lady." I noticed his eye was looking better and I mentioned it to him. He said it was still giving him a hard time, though. I told him I was sorry. He said he would find out tonight at Valmont if he had time off this weekend. I pray to all that is holy that he does. So I will find out tomorrow about that.

I told him I was going to Omaha and smiled wickedly at him. He goes "And what are you having done in Omaha?" with an equally wicked smile on his face. I just laughed. He goes "Are you getting tattooed?" I said "No, I already have one." He goes "Are you getting pierced?" I said "Yessssss...." He goes "Where?" As if I didn't just tell him Monday! I said "On my hoo hoo" (ROFL) He goes "WOW! Isn't that going to hurt??" I said "Yeah, I'm sure it will but I want to have it done." He goes "I don't think I could do that." I said "Oh no! Now I've got you all freaked out!" He goes "No, I think it's cool that you are doing it, but I couldn't do it myself". Then Leslie came over and she told me that her husband asked if I wore the camoflauge bra if my breasts would be hard to find? Mike laughed and said he didn't think he'd have a problem finding them. He said he would just put bells on them. LMAO!! I kind of shimmied my shoulders and he goes "Yeah, just like that!" LOL Then he said he had better get back to TLE before they wondered where he went. (TLE is just past fabrics).

So then Les and I hit the road. We got to Body Mods with no problem. The guy who did the piercings was named Monty--which just cracks me up because that is my doctor's name. He also had an Irish flag hanging on the wall in the room. We had to sign waivers and then he took both of us back to the room.

Leslie went first. She had her nipple pierced. After cleaning her nipple he got out this long ass needle and *jabbed* it right through her nipple. She was squeezing the hell out of my hand, poor thing! She said "OUCH!!!" and then he put the ring in. It is a silver ring with a sea green bead on it. It looks cool.

Watching her I began to have second thoughts. I was like....this is just the nipple and look how she jumped...andI'm going to have my crotch done?? But then it was my turn.

I had to undress from the waist down. He didn't even leave the room! I told him "I am going to scream like a banshee!" He goes "Is that what you normally do?" (referring to sex) Leslie just laughed and I said "Ask my neighbors." Then I got on the chair (which looked a lot like a dentist chair--great). He started cleaning it with betadine or some shit and then he clamped the hood between these forcep thingys. That was uncomfortable and I thought "OH, God, this is just the prep work!" I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Leslie held my hand and stroked my hair. She was like "It will be ok. Just think of you and Mike on the water." I am sooo glad she was there.

He goes "You doing ok?" I said "yes, I am in my happy place". LOL! I was visualizing the Portland Head Light at night...all those times I broke into the park and saw it shining in the darkness. He goes "Oh, where's that? Hawaii?" I said "No, New England." He said he had never been there and I told him how it was gorgeous with all the lighthouses and stuff. Then he said "Take a deep breath.." And BAM.....it was the most excruciating physical pain I have had in this lifetime so far. I jumped and said "OUCH" but as soon as the words escaped my mouth the pain was gone. That is the beauty of piercing.

I sat there trying to catch my breath. Leslie goes "Are you alright?" I said "Yeah, I'm fine. I was trying not to jump but I couldn't help it." My ring looks just like hers. We got matching beads. LOL... I asked him if I could see it and he gave me a mirror. We all 3 looked at my vagina like it was a painting on the wall. LMAOooooo!!! It looks so cool and it doesn't hurt anymore. I can tell something has been done but it isn't real painful.

Healing time is one month....so I have to wash it with saline solution once a day and NO BUBBLE BATH for a month! That is the worst part!!!!!! And technically, no sex for a week but if I do, don't have the guy get on top. Fine with me.

I am so proud of myself!!!

Then when I got home the kids and I had pizza then Randy took Tommy and I to see "Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets". It was great! I loved it just as much as the first one! The only part I didn't like was the giant spiders!! Freaked me out!!!

The 5 Gratitudes

1. I survived the piercing
2. I saw my sweetheart's smile
3. Good movie
4. Good pizza
5. having just me, Tommy and Randy in the movie theater. It was a private showing!

  ¶ 2:17 AM

  For My Beloved

Thank you, my dear.

You came, and you did well to come:
I needed you.

You have made love blaze up in my breast--bless you!

Bless you as often
as the hours have
been endless to me
while you were gone.

~~Sappho~~  ¶ 2:40 AM

  Such Moments As These Are Too Few

Not a whole lot going on today. I got to work early (at 4:30) so I could see Mike before he left. He was sitting in the break room when I got there. We talked for about 20 minutes. Just shooting the shit about various things: people at work, my little outfit that I didn't put on lay away.

Poor, sweet thing has a sty in his eye. I wanted to kiss it and make it all better. Poor thing. It was nice just looking in his eyes. We can exchange glances that say a million words.

I told him I had Sunday off and that I get off at 8 on Saturday. He asked what I was doing Sunday. I said "Nothing". I could have had a meeting with Bill Clinton scheduled and I would have still told him I had no plans. I would do anything for this man....any moment I can spend with him is sacred. He said he didn't know yet if he had to work the weekend or not but he would let me know. I will be on pins and needles until I find out.

Alan the Ass kept smiling at me and asking me "Are you still going out with Mike?" I smiled real big and said "Yes". He goes "Good." Then later he called me over and told me that he thought it might cause problems in the relationship with Mike working so much. Yeah, wonderfuck, like I haven't thought about that. Oh ok Alan, let me dump the love of my life so I can go drink a few beers with your short ass.

New guy in Electronics was giving me the eye. And this guy who assembles the bikes (Dan, I think his name is) has been talking to me--and he never used to. So, whatever. It must show on my face that I am in love.

With the help of some guy who works in Garden Center I got a little seafood restaurant to go with my seaside Christmas Village. There was only the display model left and I asked him if he would hold it behind the register for me and he did. Cool. I also bought some little piers and lobster traps and a light up Christmas tree. It is cool. I have it set up on my kitchen table with angel hair as snow.

Tomorrow is the big piercing day.....I am supposed to get my clit pierced and Leslie is going to get her nipple pierced. I am scared.....I know they pierce the clit hood and not the clit itself....but what if I am unable to have orgasms again? That would sincerely suck.

The 5 Gratitudes:

1. Short shift at work 5-10pm
2. My Scooby Doo Pajama pants
3. Spending time with Mike....hearing his voice, looking in his eyes
4. The guy in Garden Center hiding the display of the seaside Christmas village for me
5. warm bubble bath
  ¶ 11:56 PM

  All I Want Is You

My goodness. I was with him for several hours on Sunday, he called me Monday....now it is Wednesday and I miss him terribly. I went a whole day without talking to or seeing him. I got it bad.

I go to work at 5 pm tomorrow....he leaves at 5. I'll have to make sure I am there kinda early so I can sit in the break room and wait for him to come through and clock out. I just feel uncomfortable talking to him at work. You just know everyone is listening and watching. THE HILLS HAVE EYES. LOL I fucking hate it.

When he and I are alone I can talk freely for hours and hours...and listen to him for hours and hours.

I pray that someday soon we will be intimate....I think when that finally happens I will just cry with pleasure. My body nearly burst into stardust when he hugged me on our first date.....God....the feeling of his arms around me...feeling his hands going up and down my sides as he explored the curve of my waist and hips. Running my hands through his thick hair was a pleasure beyond description.

I would follow this boy into hell.

Loretta was saying that Rose Marie (my old dept. manager --who saw us at church the other day and used to baby sit his daughter) thought I still had Ron living with me and she was afraid I would hurt Mike. Loretta told her that I kicked Ron out and that I would never hurt Mike. I said "That's right. I would sooner fall off this ladder than hurt that man." There is nothing, no one, I want but him.

Fucking Brendan Fraser or Harry Connick Jr. could come up to me and offer to whisk me off to a palace but I would say "No". The feelings I have for Mike are so pure (well, except for that "storming my desert" line, LOL) I would not sacrifice them for anything. He has such a beautiful, gentle and pure soul I don't want to hurt it. He is already so wounded.

Speaking of wounded he was talking about how he has that Gulf War Syndrome thingy....when he came back from Desert Storm...*wicked chuckle*...scars just appeared on his legs. He has been to the VA and they can't find out what is wrong...just more tests. I wonder if he is self concious of his scars? I would kiss every one of them.  ¶ 1:51 AM

  Transparent Dangling Carrots

Work was so so tonight. Nobody I like was working. It was a skeleton crew tonight, man.

Firstly, I did my hair differently. I bought a fabric head band at Claire's last night so I put that in my hair and just had my bangs in the front. The rest was all curly and fluffy in the back. EVERYONE (even Stella the Bitch) said how they liked my hair.

Diane in Cosmetics is having me do a lot of work for her. Which is fine by me because I'd rather work for her than Stella. I had to hang signs for her and put some bath poufs on clip strips. Evidently the mullet lady named Patty isn't working out so well in Cosmetics (gee, imagine that) and Diane wants me because I bust ass when I work. (Well, most of the time, LOL).

Leslie saw me way the hell up on the ladder hanging the price point signs and she said "Jen! That is manual labor! You shouldn't be doing that!" I just laughed. Then Loretta came over. Leslie says to Loretta "look at her up there!" And Loretta says "Yes, she looks like an angel on top of a Christmas tree." Those two ladies got to leave early, dammit. I had to stay until 10 for some ungodly reason. I don't know why---the store was dead and my area was clean.

Chad came up to me in the breakroom and asked me (with his arm on my shoulder, hee hee) how the line rushing went this weekend. I said "I didn't go. They never called me." He said "Well you need to learn. Go get Leslie and learn how to do it, ok?" I said "Ok". He goes "You sure?" I said "Yes." I am not afraid to line rush. I am however, terrifed of the Wal*Mart registers. So I learned how to Line Rush. It is so fucking easy that even Ken McLaughlin could do it.

Didn't see my sweet blue eyed soldier boy today. I didn't make it to the break room in time because of learning how to line rush so I could please the butterfly. ROFL

The 5 Gratitudes

1. Listening to an old tape I made, wondering what songs would be on next.
2. The sound of my children's laughter
3. People liked my hair
4. My dad came home today.
5. Diet Dr. Pepper and caffeine highs  ¶ 11:14 PM

  Love Poems From God

That is the title of a book I read while taking a bath tonight. There is a passage in the book by St. Thomas Aquinas that really touched me. I am a Christian Witch ---blending the two paths, speaking both languages-- so I find it difficult to "fit in" with a certain religion.

Anyhow, this passage speaks of a Christ that I know....loving, tender and gentle. One who weeps with love for us. I wanted to send it out to some people but wasn't sure how they would take it so I'm just going to put it in here:

The Christ said to us,
"I have cut you from a garden I tend
and set you in a vase for the world to see.

Soon you will return, for your glorious presence I miss.

My hands need to touch you again,
My divine senses and eyes require your soul's beauty near.

Forgive me, my love, for the suffering our seperation brought.

If I said I am in debt to you,
could you understand?"  ¶ 1:29 AM

  Life Is Too Short Not To Wear Scooby-Doo Pajamas

I got to spend the day with my kids. It was nice. We ate breakfast together and danced in the living room....joking around, laughing and playing. Leslie came over a couple of times before her doctor appointment. She bought me this little medal that has an angel on one side and on the other it says "Faith".

At about 2 we took the kids over to my sister's house and went out shopping to Wal*Mart so I could put the kids' Christmas stuff on lay away. I got quite a bit of stuff. It took for-fucking-ever because I couldn't decide what to get Winter the Girl. Also while we were there we were stopped by about 10 other employees just wanting to chat.

We played around in the lingerie for about 30 minutes. Alan is just across the way in Sporting Goods so he watched us. He pretended like he wasn't but it was so obvious that he was. I bought this bra and panty set. The bra is sheer white with gold metal loops for the straps and it hooks in the front. The panties are a thong style. So imagine how red my face was when Ass't. Mngr. Steve saw it in the cart while I was putting the other shit on lay away.

Anyhow, Mike called while I was out there. He didn't have to work in TLE but had to work Valmont. He asked what I was doing out there and I told him I was shopping for the kids and that I was putting the stuff on lay away. He goes "Well you have to get something for yourself."

I said "I did get myself a little something...and it is little." Meanwhile Leslie is laughing her ass off.

He goes "Oh really, what is that?"

I said "I'll just have Leslie tell you." So she told him what it was and all that. Then she handed the phone to me.

He goes "Wow. Is the whole thing sheer?" I said "Yep, the whole nine yards."

Then I told him about the camoflauge one I had found and that I was going to get that one and have him "storm my desert" (As he was in Desert Storm). Jesus I am bold. Where did *that* come from???????

He laughed and said "I'll bring my gun!"

I said "Make sure you shoot twice!"

He said "Well, hunters always eat what they shoot!"

OMFG!! I could have died. Right there in the damn Wal*Mart Electronics dept. He then asked what my plans were for the week and I fed him a line of shit about my hours. I told him I was off Sunday. I don't give a shit if I get fired or not. I want to make myself available for him. So, we'll see.

Then I told him about my planned piercing on Thursday. He goes "What are you getting pierced?" I said "my magic button". And he about died. It was so funny hearing him talk like that because he is always such a gentleman. I told him that I couldn't believe this was the same guy I went to church with. He said that he has a wild side, too. I said "Well, it's my goal in life to see that wild side."

Again, where am I getting off being so bold?????

So after our phone conversation I was gonna go back and get the camoflauge two piece set but the bra was too damn small. Only a "B" cup. Damn the luck. So it is my goal in life to get a camoflauge bra and panty set. We looked all over hell mart, then to Maurices, Gordmann's, JC Penny. NOTHING.

I bought Leslie a bracelet because she always buys me shit. And she is a good friend.

It was good to see my sister again. She is very happy for me about Mike.

I came home and cleaned out my closet. Getting ready for another day back in Wal*Hell.


The 5 Gratitudes:

1. My dad came safely through the surgery and might come home tomorrow
2. Running out to the mailbox and finding a surprise
3. Junior Mints
4. Being able to get my kid's Christmas gifts
5. Seeing my sister and my friend Leslie
  ¶ 10:49 PM

  I Could Not Ask For More

What a lovely, beautiful day. "These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive..."

I awoke at 9am and got ready to go to Church with Mike and his daughter. That sentence just makes me laugh. Me in the same sentence with "getting up" and "going to church" is hysterically funny. That's what love does to you.

He picked me up at 10 and we stopped to get his daughter some snacks to occupy her during church. It was nice just driving around in the sunshine...laughing with him and Mikayla. She was dressed so pretty for church. She had on a long dress--the skirt was dark blue and the top was black velvet. Mike had put two ponytails in her hair with blue ponytail holders. I was wearing a short black skirt (just above the knee), black nylons and a long sleeved white shirt. Mike had on a tan shirt and a pair of jeans. I thought he might have dressed up more...but so much for that. He could have worn a garbage bag and I would have been just as proud to be seen with him.

His church is very charismatic....much more wild than the Catholic Mass. It was very uplifting, though....lots of singing (they dont have books---you sing along with the words on the screen) and they have a band!!! It was cool. The minister was very well spoken. He basically talked about making sure that we keep our treasures in heaven and not here. Because none of these earthly things mean anything. They will all end up in the garbage eventually. He even suggested that people need to learn to BE QUIET---to still themselves (I'm thinking meditation) and perhaps even keep a journal of answered prayers for those times we feel God/dess does not listen.

Throughout the service Mike kept scooting closer....and closer....and closer....pressing his leg against mine. I am honestly surprised sparks didn't fly from me. I almost cried at one point. We were singing some beautiful chorus over and over (much like chanting) and I could feel the warmth of Mike's body next to me...his daughter was smiling at me and everything was so "right". I was just overwhelmed with gratitude. A dream come true. I was living it.

After the service he asked if I was hungery. I told him I was (I am surprised he didn't hear my tummy growling during church. I usually fast before going to Mass so I fasted this morning, too, LOL). So we went to the Golden Corral (Mikayla's choice). He bought us all brunch. It was fantastic being out with him. He is so sweet I could just cry.

We all went up and I got my plate while he made his daughter's plate. Then I sat with her while he got his food. We were talking and when Mike came back to the table he saw that I hadn't ate anything yet. He goes "You didn't start eating?" I said "No, not yet." He goes "You were waiting for me?" I said "Yes." and smiled. (That's how my momma raised me, LOL) He goes "That was nice!" He was just so touched by such a small gesture!

We talked about his family and about the differences between his church and mine (my Catholic church, that is. I didn't dare tell him about the OTHER part. LOL) Then his daughter had to go to the bathroom. I asked him if he wanted me to take her and he goes "No, she just goes in there by herself." Mikayla said "No, I want to go with her!" So I thought that was cool....bonding with the daughter is always a good thing.

Finally, about 1:15 we decided we better get going. He opened the door for me, got Mikayla in her car seat and then shut my door. Just before he shut my door he goes "My two ladies." AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is such a doll.

The thing about him that is different from other guys is that he seems so genuine. He is the type of guy who won't say something unless he means it. Also he is so very afraid of getting hurt....his vulnerablitly is beautiful to me. I want to protect that and never hurt him.

As we were going back to my place he goes "It's back to the real world." I said "Yeah, that sucks." And Mikayla said "It's so bright!" (talking about the sun I think) and Mike goes "Yep. The future is bright." Hmmm......that sounds interesting......hee hee

Oh Goddess....I need him so badly. I love him so much.

When I got to work I just danced in. Singing songs. Customers and co workers just smiled at me. Leslie says "look at you glow!!!" And Loretta was at church, too, and she said "Jennifer it is so obvious he loves you. I can tell it." I said "Oh, Loretta, you are silly. How can you tell?" She goes " I was sitting behind you at church and I'd see him look over at you....just those little looks..they say a lot. He loves you." LOL, God Bless Loretta. I love her like a second mother.

Customers were nice, too. Telling me how they liked my sweater (as I changed clothes before I went to work) and that the color (wine) looked so good on me, I smelled good, etc. Love does that to you. =-)

Easy tonight....

The 5 Gratitudes

1. Mike. The sweet, precious gift of him.
2. The yummy chocolate dessert I had at Wal*Mart
3. Feeling alive again
4. my car
5. buying groceries for my kids  ¶ 1:01 AM

  These Are The Moments I Know Heaven Must Exist

Mike called me this morning.

My phone was in the kitchen and I was in the bedroom sleeping. But when I heard that NOKIA tone I flew like a mad bastard out to the kitchen. LOL. I just knew it was him.

I played hooky from work on the wrong fucking day!!! He told me that when he left yesterday he stopped by my area looking for me but of course I wasn't there. Then he called and my fucking phone was turned off!!! So when he called this morning he wanted to know what hours I worked because he wanted me to go to Omaha with him and his daughter to go rolling skating and meet his mom. But dammit I couldn't go. Calling in sick two days in a row on a weekend would not look good. =-(

So he came out to work to see me around 8pm. I spent some time with him and his daughter in the toy aisle. I am going to go to church with them tomorrow. OOOOH MY!! What the hell is up with me???? I am cool with his hunting, and I am going to church with him.

I hope I don't make a fool of myself. I hope he will be proud to be seen with me. I don't feel like I am good enough for him!!!!!
  ¶ 12:58 AM