~She dances by the light of the moon~
This I Promise You
Oh my. My, oh, my. The Goddess never fails to amaze me. She just makes me shake my head and smile. She also makes me want to dance barefoot under Her silvery light blowing her kisses of gratitude.
This thing with Mike is out of my control. The Goddess is in charge of this one. I definately feel that I am being PUSHED or nudged or something. It is unreal. I haven't felt this before. This lack of control scares me--I like to think the Universe revolves around me and that I am in charge of everything..haha silly me--but it is also pleasant. As I said in a post a few days ago surrender is a beautiful thing.
Mike came over this evening and I had originally planned on having him take me to Omaha....little did I know that he had to work at Valmont tonight (at 11). Oops. So, we stayed in town.
I took him over to meet my parents. That went very well. After we left there he asked all kinds of questions about how they met, what dad did for a living, when he was in the military where was he stationed? So, then we went out to dinner at Pizza Hut. When we got to the restaurant he held his hand my hand in the parking lot as we walked to the door. I know it is a little thing...but it something he hadn't done before. I take note of all these "little things" you see. LOL
Then when we were waiting for dinner he was telling me about his grandma and how she founded the beauty school here in town and sold it a few years ago for $1.5 million to some people from Redken. Geez. So, we started talking about families, genetics, etc. He told me how his dad's side of the family is very tall. I said "How tall are you?" He goes "6ft. 1" So I told him how my brother Kirk is 6 ft. 4in. He thought I was talking about Randy (who is only 5ft 10) and he goes "Randy is a short shit. Like Alan." I looked at him...and he looked at me with this smirk on his face. I go "What?" He goes "Nothing." but he was still smirking. So I figured he was implying something about Alan and I. So I told him that Yes I went to the Christmas party with Alan, but that was only because he couldn't go and I told Alan right up front that I didn't want to make a big deal of us going to the party. I also told Mike that we came in seperate cars and left in seperate cars. I told him there was nothing between Alan and I. That Alan had always wanted me, but that I wasn't interested. Mike said "Well, I wondered. He keeps giving me looks and he sits with me in the breakroom but he won't talk to me." I said "Well, Alan is.....odd."
Then I told him, "I was kind of confused the other day when you asked me if it bothered me that we didn't see each other more often." He said "Well, I do wonder about that. When I was in the military I was gone for 30 days at a time and I'd come back to find my girl with someone else." I said "So you are worried that your schedule will drive me to someone else?" He said "Yes. I just want to make sure it is ok with you.....before we go any further." I wanted to cry....because he was basically saying that he doesn't want me to see anyone else. That he wants us to go "steady" (there's a blast from the past, LOL). I swallowed really hard so I wouldn't cry and I said "I am going to try and say this without sounding stupid." I said "Yes, it does bother me that we can't spend more time together. I wish we could. I love being with you. But, it makes our time together that much sweeter." Then I told him that if I had his word that he would make an effort at calling me, spending our free time together, and trying to work our schedules out as best as we could that I was all his. That there was no one else I wanted. I told him that plenty of other men (for some strange reason) are attracted to me but they mean nothing to me. I told him I just have to look at him and I smile. He goes "Well, that must be a good sign." hahaha
Then I said "Haven't you noticed that we always run into each other at work, even when it's not planned...it's almost like" and he goes "Almost like Fate". I said "Yeah. That's what I was thinking...but you are probably ready to run out the door now!" He said "no!" I told him there was so much I wanted to say to him but I was afraid of scaring him off. He said that I should just be myself. And that he is kind of reserved, too. He said he says whatever he feels like to people at work because it doesn't matter what they think but he cares what I think. God, I am just so flattered. I was so glad he opened up like this tonight. I told him that I understood he had been hurt and I had been hurt, too. But that I am very sensitive and have a soft heart. I told him that because of the relationship my parents have that I believe in love. I know it is hard and it seems impossible in today's world but that I refuse to give up.
Anyway, after dinner I asked him to show me where his dad's grave was. I'll be a son of a bitch if he isn't buried right next to my Aunt Joyce! Ya could've knocked me over with a feather. Aunt Joyce died when she was 45 of cervical cancer...she is my mother's sister and I named Faith after her (Aunt Joyce's middle name is Elizabeth, so is Faith's). I told him that the stone was nice and that I was sorry about his dad. Then I said "That is my aunt's grave!" He thought that was kind of cool....Then we went to Faith's. He thought it was decorated beautifully.
Then we took a drive out to Valley to look at the rich folk's Christmas lights. We held hands the whole time. It was just so nice and cozy. Then he took me on a tour of Valmont. LOL, he could take me on a tour of hell and I'd be happy.
Ah, finally we get back to his place. I had to pee like you wouldn't beleive. I honestly peed for about 3 minutes straight. I started laughing because I didn't think I was ever going to stop. When I came out he had the sofa bed open and he was lying on it (Clothed, lol). I laid down beside him, in his arms. We talked and laughed for about half an hour and then he kissed me. And kissed me. And kissed me. Once again, I saw stars, fireworks and all that good stuff. I got the goosebumps when he kissed my neck...
Everything was going VERY WELL and then he tried to put his hand down my pants. I grabbed his hand and kind of giggled. I said "That will have to wait until next week. I'm sorry." DAMN YOU AUNT FLO!!!!!!!! I could have had the man. GRRRRR.... But we kept kissing and I felt "him" pressing agianst my leg so I didn't want to leave him "hanging" so to speak. So I "finished him off". Let me just say that the man is now mine. I knocked his socks off. LMAO!!!! When he was done he kept groaning and said "I feel like I have a million butterflies going up and down my spine." He said "I've NEVER had it like that....where my body keeps twitching". *Nodding proudly* I told him "You ain't seen nothing yet!"
When we got outside he opened the door on the Explorer and said "Your chariot awaits". He is a doll.
When he dropped me off I thanked him for the nice night and told him not to be a stranger. He said he wouldn't and that maybe Saturday we could do something. I said "I hope so." And I told him that I would be thinking of him. He said "Yes, me too." He said he was just sorry that I wasn't able to enjoy myself as much as he did (meaning that I didn't get any action because of my damn period) and I just smiled and said "Anytime I am with you I enjoy myself." He just smiled so big......
Now every fiber of my being is wired for sound. I can't sleep...I want to dance...
He wants me to himself. That is a big step coming from a man who swore off women.
Now I just have to make sure Alan and SKANK Mike don't fuck shit up for me.
The 5 Gratitudes:
1. Mike...
2. He wants me to be his own.
3. good book to read
4. Pizza for dinner...always a plus
5. pretty Christmas lights
The Best "Laid" Plans...
are screwed up by the arrival of my Aunt Flo. Her timing, as usual, is impeccable. Mike and I are going out tonight and I fully planned on bedding the boy. Welp, so much for that.
I have decided that I am going to ask him to take me to Omaha to get my dad's present (a gift certificate to Next Millenium---the New Age/witchy store). That way I can judge his reaction to the things in there. That will tell me if I will ever be able to come out of the "broom closet" with him. I wish I could just be myself with him. But I can't. I am so afraid of losing him.
I need to just get rip roaring drunk with him some night. Then my inhibitions will be lowered and we'll see what he thinks of the Real Jen Shady. LOL
Well, he should be here any minute so I'll go for now and post more later.
I'm Not The One Who's So Far Away....
Not a whole hell of a lot going on here. The great thing is I had a pleasant day off of work.
Got the tree up last night. Thank the Goddess for Leslie who gave me her tree from last year so all I had to buy was the decorations. I had lots of pretty Christmas stuff...but left it all behind when I left Ron's house. So I am starting from scratch here.
The kids absolutely loved it and it gave me a warm, happy feeling to know that I did something right. That I was able to bring them happiness. We had a nice time decorating the tree to the sounds of Harry Connick Jr's Christmas CD. Love that man. Whooo...
Mike asked me yesterday at work, "Doesn't it bother you that we don't get to see each other very much?" My first thought came from the PMS voice "Yeah it bothers me! Gee I guess we should just call it quits then, eh?" But I bit my tongue and held the PMS bitch in check. I said "Yes, it does." And he kind just searched my eyes, sighed and said "Yep...." I felt funny so I said "Well, I better get going".
But what is up with that? Is he feeling insecure? Is he feeling that it is too much to juggle a relationship with working two jobs? Did he get wind of Alan and I going to the Christmas party and now he is paranoid? (Feels funny to call someone else besides myself paranoid). But when he got off work (and I took my dinner hour) he walked me out to the car.....so I don't know.
I am thinking of going out to the bar tonight. I feel the need to cut loose and be wild.
The 5 Gratitudes:
1. Our christmas tree
2. Spending the day with my kids
3. Matt---my forever Knight
4. a dark, dreary day---good for sleeping in!
5. vivid dreams
Thank you, Eminem
Eminem
The Slim Shady LP (1999)
Rock Bottom
Ah yeah, yo!
This song is dedicated to all the happy people
All the happy people who have real nice lives
And who have no idea whats it like to be broke as fuck
Verse One:
I feel like I'm walking a tight rope, without a circus net
I'm popping percocets, I'm a nervous wreck
I deserve respect; but I work a sweat for this worthless check
Bout to burst this tech, at somebody to reverse this debt
Minimum wage got my adrenaline caged
Full of venom and rage
Especially when I'm engaged
And my daughter's down to her last diaper
That's got my ass hyper
I pray that god answers, maybe I'll ask nicer
Watching ballers while they flossing in their pathfinders
These overnight stars becoming autograph signers
We'll all gone blow up and leave the past behind us
Along with the small fry's and average half pinters
While playa haters turn bitch like they have vaginas
Cause we see them dollar signs and let the cash blind us
Money will brainwash you and leave your ass mindless
Snakes slither in the grass spineless
Chorus: repeat 2X
That's Rock Bottom
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's Rock Bottom
When you want something bad enough you'll steal
That's Rock Bottom
When you feel like you've have had it up to here
Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear
Verse Two:
My life is full of empty promises
And broken dreams
I'm hoping things look up
But there ain't no job openings
I feel discouraged hungry and malnourished
Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished
And I'm sick of working dead end jobs with lame pay
And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day
But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play
Cause when we die we know we're all going the same way
It's cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan
When all you need is bucks to be the man
Plus a luxury sedan
Too comfortable and roomy in a six
They threw me in the mix
With all these gloomy lunatics
Walk around depressed
And smoke a pound of ses a day
And yesterday went by so quick it seems like it was just today
My daughter wants to throw the ball but I'm too stressed to play
Live half my life and throw the rest away
Chorus
There's people that love me and people that hate me
But it's the evil that made me this backstabbing, deceitful, and shady
I want the money, the women, the fortune, and the fame
That Means I'll end up burning in hell scorching in flames
That means I'm stealing your checkbook and forging your name
Lifetime bliss for eternal torture and pain
Right now I feel like just hit the rock bottom
I got problems now everybody on my blocks got 'em
I'm screaming like those two cops when 2pac shot 'em
Holding two glocks, I hope your doors got new locks on 'em
My daughter's feet ain't got no shoes or sock's on 'em
And them rings you wearing look like they got a few rocks on 'em
And while you flaunting them I could be taking them to shops to pawn them
I got a couple of rings and a brand new watch you want 'em?
Cause I never went gold of one song
I'm running up on someone's lawns with guns drawn
******************************************************************
Damn skippy! That is how I feel tonight. PMS has got the best of me. I fucking hate it. I feel mad, depressed, trapped, paranoid, and bloated. LOL!!
I went off on Leslie and Mike tonight. Mike was waiting for me in the break room at 5 and I started to talk to him and then Leslie comes up and starts telling me about how bad her day was and that I should just shoot her (that's a dangerous thing for a person to say to me when I am premenstrual). Mike started laughing at her and making fun of her. Well, me being the paranoid PMS Queen that I am, I got all pissed off and threw my name badge across the table at Mike and stormed out. Leslie came chasing after me and I told her to just go ahead and have Mike. She knows I am premenstrual and told me to just calm down. That just because they talk to each other in my presence doesn't mean that they want each other. I really went off the deep end. I shouldn't have done that.
So I didn't go back to work. I told them I came home for dinner and got sick. So, I did a bunch of self destructive stuff like mixing alcohol with my Klonopin. Then a few hours later I came to my senses and went out to Mike's place before he left for work. I told him "I am sorry. I was a bitch tonight." He said "That's ok. We all have bad days." I said "no, I was out of line." I told him how I saw him and Leslie laughing and I thought that he had feelings for her. He kind of smiled and said "Was that what that was about?" I nodded. He took me in his arms and said that yes, he talks to her when I am not there but that he has absolutely no interest in her. Then he kissed me. I felt like such a stupid bitch.
I told him "Thank you. I am sorry. I don't want you thinking I am some psycho bitch." He said "We all have our crazy days." And he hugged me again. Then as we were driving down the road he called me on the cell phone and talked to me until I got home.
*Shaking my head* I am so grateful for him. I don't deserve him, but I thank God for him everyday.
The 5 Gratitudes:
1. Mike
2. Mike and Leslie forgave me for acting like a Super Bitch
3. my black pants
4. my tooth doesn't feel so bad
5. my family
I Went to the Wal*Mart Christmas Party and All I Got Was This Fricken Centerpiece!!
I went to the Wal*Mart Christmas party tonight. They held it at the Senior Center here in town, LOL.
Sadly, Mike couldn't go because he had to work at Wal*Mart until 7pm, then go to Valmont at 10pm. I wasn't going to go but Alan said he was going and wanted to know if I would sit with him so he didn't have to walk in by himself. So I went. I wasn't real excited about being seen with him so I made sure I told anyone who had ears that Mike couldn't come. Just tried to give signals that Alan and I weren't an "item".
They had wonderful food and a lovely champagne fountain (but it had punch instead of champagne). The entertainment was 2 comedians. They were hysterical. Making fun of Wal*Mart and the bosses. It was great. The only downer was that Stella the Cunt won the door prize (a DVD player). When they drew the ticket I told Alan "Watch, Stella will win it." I'll be a son of a bitch if they didn't call her name. I was pissed. I didn't clap for her. Oh well, I have two DVD players. I was just pissed that of all people SHE got it. Old, craggly bitch. Oh, well. There were 25 centerpieces left over so they drew tickets for those and I won one. So, I didn't go home empty handed, anyway. And the centerpiece is pretty!
After the party Alan and I went out for a drink. He said if things didn't work out with Mike that he would be waiting for me. I thought that was sweet. But hopefully it won't go that way....hopefully I will live "happily ever after" with my boy.
Before the party, this afternoon Leslie called me up and asked me if I wanted to go decorate Faith's grave for Christmas. I told her that it would be a good idea since it was kind of warm today. So she went out with me and helped me fix it up. It looks so beautiful. She hugged me and told me that she was so sorry and she couldn't even imagine the pain I was in. She is such a good friend. Funny how I have only known her since my start at Wal*Mart (June 11...the beginning of the end, LOL) and she is so supportive, but friends I went to school with flip out and act all funky and uncomfortable when I talk about Faith.
My dad sent this to me (and my ex husband) today. It is a letter that sounds like something Faith would say to me. I think it is beautiful. I don't know who wrote it so I can't give proper credit, but it is very special:
A LETTER FROM FAITH
Dear Mom and Dad,
I know this time is rough for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me.
As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible.
Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life. It's O.K. with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking about me. I know that you'll never forget. Loosening me and grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination..
Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud, and if they don't make a hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendships.
If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't. I forgive you, as my Lord does.
Resentment does not abide here, only love.
You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I'm still yours and you are still my parents. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as you child honors me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page. There is an immense library here I have a card. In Henri Nowens' "Out of Solitude", he writes, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Mom and Dad, I don't know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am.
I want you both to know I am O.K. I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and vision sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels. Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. you will get what you need and it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted. Please seek out people bereaved longer than you.
They are tellers of truth, and if they have done there work, are an inspiration and a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically and one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I light a candle for you. Join with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
Affectionately
Your Angel Child
PS. I'll see you later..
