~She dances by the light of the moon~
I Won't Be The First Heart That You Break, You Won't Be The Last Beautiful Man.....
Hee hee, kind of my own spin on the Matchbox 20 song.
I ended up not going to the Omaha Pagans group last night. My sister wasn't able to go as she had to watch Jacci's kids (big surprise there) and Leslie couldn't go so I just took the night for myself. I needed the time to mend my broken heart....time to do all the "girly" things that I do when I am hurt: listen to sad songs, take a hot bubble bath, drink, eat chocolate, cry..
I guess Linda was at mom's house last night and she told mom that she heard Mike and I broke up. And that she saw him looking at my hours on the schedule. Gee, is he worried I am going to harass him so he wants to avoid me? He need not worry. I am not wasting another ounce of my valuable energy, time and love on a man with such a bitter, cold heart. I saw him yesterday walking out of TLE coming toward me. I just looked away and turned the corner. At this point I can't even make small talk with him. I am afraid I would cry or something. And I do not want to give him that satisfaction. He has seen enough of my tears.
I work 4-10 today. I like that shift. It is short and sweet. Just go in, zone and go home. My check will be shit, but I'll make it somehow.
Alan is taking me and Tommy out to dinner tonight after we get off work. (Winter will be with Brian) She (Winter) was so sweet last night. I was crying and she came over to me and said "I love you mommy. Let me snuggle your neck!" So I pulled her up on my lap and she wiped my tears away.
The 5 Gratitudes:
1. Warm, Salty fries (that sounds like PMS talk)
2. music that helps me express my feelings
3. loving supportive friends
4. The memory of swimming with dolphins in Virginia when I was 17
5. heart break is a good diet! All my pants are too big!
Just Another Day
Not a hell of a lot going on here. I have to work today. It is always so hard to go back after a day off. Also knowing Mike will be there and I have to hold my head high and pretend that I am doing just great! That he didn't hurt me! That I don't miss him! I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, looking depressed, or whatever.
I am supposed to go to Omaha tonight and meet with the Omaha Pagan Group but I am very nervous. It is intimidating walking into a group of strangers in a strange city.
I got a lot accomplished around the house yesterday and when I picked up my paycheck I saw that I have accumulated sick hours! Wooo hoo! Of course Wal*Mart has a fucked up policy about using them but that is to be expected.
Also yesterday Alan came by and took me out to see his place. It needs a lot of work but it will be lovely when it is finished. How he will find time to continue with his remodeling (since he works two jobs) I don't know. Then we came back to my place and he bought pizza for us for dinner. I spent the evening wrestling around with Winter and playing video games with Tom. It was nice to finally have some quality time to spend with them.
Forefit the Game, 'Cuz Tomorrow When It's All Done You Reap What You Sow
It is finished.
Mike and I are officially over. He showed his true colors today and I was hurt, broken and surprised by what I saw.
When I came in he was sitting in the breakroom and he just said "Hi" in a real dismissive way. So I went over to Cosmetics to talk to Loretta. I asked her if she had talked to Mike. She said "Yes, he is a jerk." Evidently he told her that we had a big talk yesterday (what a crock! We had small talk for about 15 minutes) and that I didn't deny what was in the emails. I said "Loretta, how could I deny it when I don't even know what is in the emails?" And she asked him "Don't you believe in forgiveness?" and he said "No".
So when he got off work I asked him "Could I speak to you for *just a moment*?" He goes "Sure" So we went back by the time clock and I told him what Loretta told me. He said he never said that. I said "We are always talking about your pain, your hurt feelings...right now you are hurting me." He goes "I'm sorry. But how do you think I feel when Ron dumped all that in my lap?" I said "I don't know! I am sorry he did that. I didn't ask him to and you never gave me a chance to explain." He said "Well, there is more to it than just what Ron did." I said "LIke what? Maybe if you tell me I could address it?" He goes "Well you told me you loved me. How can you just love someone so soon?" I laughed at him and said "I don't know! I can't explain love. It just happens...it is something you feel. If I could explain love I'd write a book and be a rich woman." Then he said "If you knew what a bad person Ron was why would you tell him where I worked and who I was?" I said "I told him about you because I left him for you!" He goes "I know but did you have to tell him everything about me??"
I said "You never cared about me, did you?" He shook his head and said "See, if you can't tell the difference than you don't know anything. Of course I cared about you." I said "Then why are you doing this to me?" He goes "I just don't think I can give you a second chance. My gut is telling me 'no'." A SECOND CHANCE??? I never did a damn thing but love him in the first place!!!
I said "Well, I can't believe you are going to do that. All I have been is gentle, patient and loving with you. But if that's what you want then fine." He goes "I think that's how it's going to have to be." I said "I have put other people on hold FOR YOU!" He said "You will feel this way for them. In time." I said "No, I won't!! I just want you!" And I started crying really hard. And this is what the heartless bastard did.....he said "I have to get out of here." And he left. Just walked out. No consoling arm on the shoulder, no "I'm sorry" just "I have to get out of here."
He showed himself to be the selfish, heartless, cold bastard that he is.
So a here's a big THANK YOU to Ron Rudsinski for showing me what a fuck nugget Mike is. Ron probably is doing the dance of joy thinking he fucked my life up but he did me a FAVOR!!!! YAY!!! Now I can start the New Year knowing exactly where I stand.
I can start the new year with a man who does indeed care about me. Who took me out to dinner after work, who bought me a blanket because my bedroom is cold, who is not afraid to tell me he loves me.
And a big FUCK YOU finger to Mike. He can grow old by himself living in his dumpy ass house. Loser. He has been miserable all his life, never believed in love so he wants to make sure everybody else tastes his bitterness. Fuck that. I refuse. I refuse to harden my heart and I refuse to beleive that love is a bad thing.
And to the Universe here are my
5 Gratitudes:
1. The Man who does love me
2. my friends who offered me comfort and wiped my tears
3. compliments on my hair and looks
4. Leaving work 10 minutes early
5. Clove cigarettes
For My Englishman
THIS IS A REBEL SONG
I love you my hard englishman
Your rage is like a fist in my womb
Can't you forgive what you think I've done
And love me - I'm your woman
And I desire you my hard englishman
And there is no more natural thing
So why should I not get loving
Don't be cold englishman
How come you've never said you love me
In all the time you've known me
How come you never say you're sorry
And I do
Ah, please talk to me englishman
What good will shutting me out get done
Meanwhile crazies are killing our sons
Oh listen - englishman
I've honoured you - hard englishman
Now I am calling your heart to my own
Oh let glorious love be done
Be truthful - englishman
How come you've never said you love me
In all the time you've known me
How come you never say you're sorry
And I do
I do
--Sinead O'Connor, "Gospel Oak"
Bless Me Father for I Have Sinned.....
Things have been interesting as of late.
I just got over a bout of the flu. My sister spent the night Friday. We ended up being sick together, LOL, watching DVD's and moaning on the couch. My sweetheart brought fries and cokes over for us. When I was a little girl I had a terrible stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down. My mom took me to the doctor and he said that I was to only have a teaspoon of water every once in awhile--nothing else. I was sooo thirsty I was crying. After we left the doctor's office my dad said "Forget that! I am going to get her fries and a coke at Mc Donald's!" My mom was mad! She said "Fine! But if she gets sick YOU are cleaning up after her." I had the fries and Coke and never got sick after that! So since that time it has been a ritual...whenever I get sick in my stomach, get me fries and a Coke and I feel better!
At work Saturday I was "zoning" this four way of shampoo. While I was doing that I decided to smell a bottle or two. Unbeknownst to me, this customer was watching me. He came over and asked me which one smelled the best so I told him. He told me that he just used baby shampoo and I told him how some customers say their doctors reccommend it as an eye wash. So then he goes on and on about his dad and how his dad died, where he worked, etc. In the meantime I am looking around for another customer that might need help so I can get away from this guy. Finally one of the managers announced it was time for the evening meeting. So I told him I had to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him Monday. I said "Sorry, no, my boyfriend is coming back on Monday". And I took off.
Well, I get back from the meeting and Sponge Bob Loser Pants is still there!! I got real involved in my zoning...I wouldn't even look at him. He goes "How was your pep talk?" I said "Fine." He goes "Where do you live?" I said "In Fremont." I wasn't going to give this jerk any more information. I told him "Well I am really busy. I have to get going." He said "Ok I'll be back tomorrow night about this time." I thought to myself "oh, great."
So sure as shit, last night he showed up. Thank God Loretta was with me. I saw him coming and I told Loretta, "Here comes that wierdo! I have to go!" So I took off like a bat out of hell. I was going to go to the recieving area but Alan just happened to be coming my way so I told him "That asshole is back!" He goes "Where is he??" I turned around "And said "Here he comes!" By this time James in Electronics was coming over. So they took me around the corner (kind of behind the paint counter) and Alan called Wendall from Hardware. Told him that this idiot was bothering me. So while Alan called Management Wendall followed Sponge Bob Loser Pants all over the store.
Asst. Manager Cher met me at the Sporting Goods counter with Mike from TLE (not *the* Mike, but TLE manager Mike). I told her briefly about what he had done the other day and that he was back in the store and was scaring me. I told her that Wendall took off following him. So they had me go with them to confront the ass. With the help of a CSM, Wendall and an associate in produce they found the jerk. Normally I don't like Cher. As Nancy would say "She thinks her shit is 10 feet tall" and she intimidates me...however she was PERFECT for this situation. She doesn't want to hear any excuses and she can smell bullshit a mile away. She stopped him and told him quite firmly that she heard he was making unwanted advances towards me and he said "I didn't mean to upset her...I'm sorry" and immediately she was like "I can't have you out here doing that to my associates. You don't come out here to pick up on my associates. If I hear of you doing this again you will be asked to leave the store and not come back." So he said, "Alright, fine. I'm sorry." And walked off. Cher said if he came back to call management immediately. The other Mike told me if I ever needed anything to call him. I said "What is your last name? There are a couple of Mike's back there!" So he told me his last name and said "I'm TLE manager...I'm Mike's boss." LOL I had to smile at that.
So Alan walked me back to my area just in case numb nuts was still in the store. Wendall came back awhile later and told me that the guy in produce knew the Fruit Loop and that was married for six months then his wife left him. Wendall told me just to be on the safe side that I should have someone walk me to my car after work and to park by the lights for the next few days. So I thanked him for his help and that I would see if Alan would walk me to my car. I was thinking that Mike's boss would be a better one for the job as he is a bit bigger than Alan but I didn't know what hours he worked.
I swear my life should be a book. I cause so much drama at Wal*Mart for shit's sake! LOL!!!
As if the night wasn't interesting enough I had a blast from the past. I was down on my knees (and that position is sooo appropriate for who I saw) "zoning" the toothpaste when I hear this voice ask "Where is the Clearisil?" I turn around and it was this priest that used to be at St. Patrick's. He didn't have his collar on or priestly clothes on but I knew it was him. I would recognize him anywhere. Father Mike! As if there are not enough Mike's in my life/world. I knew he recognized me because of the look on his face. I led him to the Clearisil and said "Here you go, sir." I didn't call him "Father" becuase he didn't have his collar on.
This was the priest who baptized my son and took a call on his cell phone during the baptism. This is the priest who, well, let me just say he caused a lot of controversy at St. Pat's. He was sent away to Beemer, NE while I was still pregnant with Faith. That's how long it's been since I've seen him. I so wanted to say "Hey! Guess what? I'm a witch now! I practice Wicca!" LOL But I told myself to be nice.
It was well after 10 by the time my area was done. Poor Loretta had to stay after to help with Softlines. I would have stayed with her but Brian was bringing the kids home at 10.
So, I made it home safely and found a very long stemmed pink rose on my front door. I have never seen a rose with such a long stem on it. There was also a card. At first I was scared it was from the Wierdo (because when he asked me where I lived he told me he lived across the street from Linden School----well that is just around the corner from me. Thank the Goddess that I didn't tell him where I lived). Turns out it was from Ron.
Woo hoo I have a day off today! Just wish I had the money to get my nails done. Damn. I hate being broke. I work 4-10 tomorrow and I have my kids so I don't think my New Year's Eve fantasy will come true this year. Last year was a good New Year's Eve...that was when Ron and I went to the Mardi Gras style party at the Holiday Inn. I dressed in a black ball gown with a feather boa and beads, Ron was a jester. We had a New Orleans style dinner and drank Hurricanes. It was fun.
See, I have this New Year's Eve fantasy...I've had it for several years, ever since I heard Harry Connick Jr. sing "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" Every time I hear that song I close my eyes and imagine myself dancing with a tall, handsome, sophisticated man dressed in a tuxedo. We are dancing near a piano and there is confetti falling all around us. Just before the song ends he leans in and gently kisses my lips.....*sigh* someday maybe.
The 5 Gratitudes:
1. Being adored
2. Health of my loved ones
3. helpful friends
4. my new pajamas
5. sleeping in my own, warm bed
