~She dances by the light of the moon~
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star....
Well today was a better day than yesterday in the fact that I didn't have any crying spells. However I did have to go to work. That is enough to make me cry.
After 5 pm, I was the only Associate in HBA, Cosmetics, Pharmacy and Pets. Plus I was called up front to Line Rush three times. It was hell on whells in that store tonight. I did get everything done in my area by 9:30. I called it out and headed toward Cosmetics. Chad came walking by and asked me how it was coming along. I told him I was done and he asked me to go to Cosmetics. I said "I'm on my way there." He patted me on the shoulder and gave me the "atta girl" routine. Thank Goddess it was him closing tonight and not Cher. She scares me.
This working until 10pm every night (except my days off) is really getting to me. I may go overnights. I don't know if they will let me do that or not because Chad needs someone to "close" in HBA. Well, I guess that is their problem. I want more time to spend with my kids. I feel like I spend all my time playing with dinosaur toothpaste while my kids grow up without me. I talked to a couple girls on ICS tonight and they really like it. They have a 10am-7pm shift and they say they are very happy. They don't have to wear vests and they can wear blue jeans every day. But, their hands get really nasty looking.......
Mark came out to visit me for awhile at the store. It was nice but he is very akward when he is with me at Wal*Mart. I was off the clock, not wearing my vest and still he was hesitant to touch me or kiss me. He says he doesn't want me to get in trouble and I guess I can see that. But as I said, I was off the clock and out of uniform...I was just a "normal" person. It is difficult for me because when I am with him I can't keep my hands off of him. I want to just hug him, kiss him and melt into him. Tomorrow he is coming to rescue me and we are going out to dinner. Maybe I'll get a proper kiss then. ;-)
Matt (my friend, teacher, spiritual counselor, mentor, etc,etc) had a star named after Faith today. I thought it was simply the sweetest gesture. It means so much to me to know that others besides myself think of Faith and love her. Now I will be able to look up at the sky and know which star she is swinging from. What a marvelous gift. It is so very fitting that of all things he chose to name a star after her. Firstly, her epitaph reads "This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you". That is a line from a Don Mc Lean song called "Vincent". It is a song about Vincent Van Gogh and his painting "The Starry Night". Furthermore, her headstone has an angel sleeping on a cloud with the stars shining above her. Finally (LOL) the song "Dante's Prayer" really speaks to me on many levels. One of them being "When the dawn seemed forever lost/you showed me your love in the light of the stars". When I lose my spiritual faith and begin to have doubts all I have to do is look skyward and see her shining her love down on me.
5 Gratitudes
1. Leslie came to visit me late this evening, making time go by faster
2. Mark....I don't care where it is that I see him...just as long as we are together
3. Matt naming the star after Faith......I am moved beyond words.
4. As of yet, Management hasn't gotten on my ass about the two hour lunch I had last week
5. My all day lipstick worked!!!
I have been....
very emotional today and I don't know why. I had a good day---went out to The Great Dark Asterisk and picked up my pay stub, participated in their "30 Day Accident Free" pizza party and saw Leslie--but I was very emotional.
Before I went to pick Tom up from school I drove by Faith's grave. I was thinking of how I need to decorate it for Valentine's Day and the reality of it all hit me. I actually had a baby....and she died. How did I live through that? How did I choose a little tiny casket? I thank Goddess for the shock that settled in when she passed. Otherwise I think I would have gone insane. Anyway....
I walked a little further up the road and saw the grave of a 22 year old police officer who was killed in the line of duty. The family had set a wooden box with a glass lid out by his grave. It has a rosary in it and some articles about his death. After thinking how tragic his death was, I thought to myself "Well, now there is a police officer in here to watch over Faith's grave." (Because people have stolen off of her grave before if you can believe that).
I gazed around me and saw all these tokens people left on graves: angels, Mary statues, teddy bears, letters, pictures and I started crying. There was so much pain...so many broken hearts. How very sad. I was overwhelmed. Then I realized that yes, each grave represented (at the very least) one broken heart....but look at the love. All the tokens are proof that loves endures even death.
Then as I left I passed by the National Gaurd place. They were called up just recently so there were yellow ribbons tied on the trees and road signs. So I had to cry again. I tried to put myself in their place. I would be terrified. And what if someone I loved was called up? And never came home.
I don't know what is wrong with me...why I was so emotional today. Must be some wierd planetary alignment or something. LOL
Brian brought Winter home around 7. The kids were really good but they did fight a little bit. That's only natural, though.
Mark called me tonight. I was so happy just to hear his voice. =-)
We had a wonderful time Wednesday night. We went out to see "Darkness Falls". It was a fun movie. It was scary in the sense that it makes you leap out of your chair, but it wasn't like a well written classic horror film. My favorite part was sitting next to him with my head on his shoulder. The fact that a lighthouse was the hero in the film was pretty cool, too. heee heee
After the movie we went back to his place. mmmmm.....I won't go into details here....but it was....WOW. My body comes to life at the slightest touch of his hand. When we make love it is unlike anything I have had before. And it's not like he is using some Mack Daddy Pimped Out routine....it's just him. I feel like I can't get close enough to him...when I am with him I just breathe in his scent and I want to wrap myself around him. I feel so safe and warm in his arms.
As I was telling my sweet friend Theresa, I wish there was a way I could put these feelings in a bottle and sell them. I would be a millionaire. =-)
Eventually we tore ourselves apart and out of the bed long enough to get dressed and go over to this all night cafe for "breakfast" and cappucino. We were there for an hour talking. I felt bad because he had to get up early for work but I enjoy listening to him and talking to him. He is so smart and has a great sense of humor. Ha! He listens to my conspiracy theories and even agrees with one or two of them.
Here is something I have been thinking about for a week now....Emergency contraception. You know, the high dose of birth control pills you take within 72 hours of unprotected sex? A girlfriend of mine (I've known her since we were 14) came in to Wal*Mart on Sunday and told me that she took them because "the condom broke" with her and her boyfriend. I was kind of surprised to hear that she took them because she is very strict pro-life/anti-abortion (however you choose to phrase that). I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I didn't judge her or anything but I just thought about it that night....is it really an abortion if indeed the couple conceived? Or is it just birth control? I'm not sure I've made up my mind yet. I don't agree with abortion but I will defend a woman's right to one. So what does that make me??
*Heavy Sigh*
Anyhoo.... it's back to work tomorrow. I enjoyed my time off. It's always hard to go back. I am going to talk to Bill the store owner and see if he can put me on Overnights or give me day hours. This working until 10pm is really getting to me.
That is another one of the million wonderful things about Mark: despite my stupid schedule he FINDS time for me. Unlike some other person I used to know. That says a lot.
What did I ever do to deserve such a blessing?
5 Gratitudes
1. Mark, Mark and more Mark! (Even above getting my hair layered, LOL)
2. Getting the entertainment center and bookshelf dusted and organized
3. my pathetic wages....at least I have a job
4. I don't have to work on Valentine's Day
5. knowing that my friends feel comfortable with me and my home
My Light Shall Be the Moon, and My Path the Ocean
Things are going well for Mark and I. We have been dating for just over a week and I am very comfortable with him. It sounds so cliche but it is like we have known each other for years and years. We spend hours talking. We have just "clicked" and without a doubt there is a spark there.
He is smart, tall, handsome, articulate and he makes an effort to spend time with me. He does little things to let me know I am special to him.
I just have to look at him and I smile. I could fall into his eyes. I light up when I see him. We have started to finish one another's sentences. My body is so responsive to his touch. All he has to do is run his hand across my belly and I am on fire. Or he'll gently kiss each of my fingertips and I get goosebumps. I can see us spending a lot of time together........
However, unlike the thing with Mike, this is a very....what's the word..."real" relationship. The thing with Mike was so passionate...so heated....that it would have easily burnt itself out. Also, it was a very one sided relationship. I was giving all my emotions to him but he gave nothing of himself. He didn't make an effort to find time for us. And I know he works two jobs and all that, but I felt he could have done more. This thing with Mark is passionate,exciting and all that good stuff but it is also very grounded in reality.
Work was good tonight. I had some real work to do (instead of "zone, zone, zone") and it was a slow night (customer wise) so I was able to get my zone done quickly. I even got Cosmetics done. I went there of my own will---no evil manager sent me there. Speaking of management we have a new Ass't manager. His name is Scott and so far he seems alright. He smiles and is friendly without being conceited.
Leslie spent the night last night. We had Taco John's for dinner (late dinner considering I didn't get off work until 10pm) then I took a bath while she sat in the bathroom reading aloud from my Cosmo magazine! LOL!! We watched "Unfaithful" and then went to bed at 4 am. She is leaving for Oregon next Wednesday. She will be gone for 12 days. I am going to miss her like crazy. But she is bringing me some sea shells and water. Also she is getting my birthday present out there so it should be something good.
This girl at work saw Mark and I sitting in McDonald's tonight during my dinner break. She goes "Oh, Jennifer, I saw you yesterday." I said "Really? Where?" She goes "Coming out of Family Planning." I could have choked her. I just laughed and said "Oh yeah I was there. What a place to see me, eh?"
So, I should be ashamed that I get my birth control at Family Planning? I think not. I think it is a wonderful service provided for women who need assistance (and if Hell*Mart paid me a living wage I wouldn't need it) so why not make use of it? Grr.....Mark was very cool about it. He just said how it was ignorant of her to say that and that she was rude. He is very smart, very level headed and rational. How refreshing.
5 Gratitudes
1. Got my hair layered
2. Mark
3. a genuinely good day at work
4. my children
5. my friends
Question.....
What is the current dating etiquette?
Does the man pay all the time? Or does the woman occasionally pay?
Let me know. Shout out.
