~She dances by the light of the moon~
FREE AT LAST
No more Wal*Mart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am finished with them!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got a new job.....not sure how it will be but it is less hours and I will end up getting the same pay..so I can't beat that.
Just the blessed feeling of relief I have at not working there anymore is unreal.
Frog was in my dream last night. (Frog is my journey totem animal so I knew magick was afoot and there would be big changes).
I'll be spending the weekend with my beloved.......
what more could I ask for?
5 gratitudes:
1. NO MORE HELL*MART
2. I got my tax return
3. New job seems promising
4. Finally got my freaking nails done!!!
5. home, food, water and love = basic neccesities of life
Not much tonight....
Got up early for a change.
Ate a healthy breakfast. I have been not eating lately so when I do actually eat my body reacts violently to food. If I eat my stomach growls something fierce....like it doesn't know how to digest. LOL So I decided it's time I eat a little bit more healthy.
Sooo...I had this "Nutrition for women" oatmeal and orange juice for breakfast.
Then I checked emails and practiced my belly dance routines for about an hour.
Played Barbies with Winter. Got Tom from school.....am trying to get myself psyched up for going back to work tomorrow.
Today I sat in my blue rocking chair going through my basket of sea treasures that Leslie brought back. I kept smelling the crab shell (I know that sounds gross) but it doesn't smell foul....it simply smells of the sea. The scent hurts my heart and makes my body ache. I hate living here. Come April it will be a year since I have been in/near the ocean. And that makes me very sad.
Ah well. Mark makes living here in the driest, most barren part of hell worthwhile. I will sacrifice my love of the sea if it means I can be near him. Besides there are always vacations.....
I found this nice quote on the SARK board:
"You may be deceived if you trust too much
But you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
--Frank Crane
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5 Gratitudes
1. A gorgeous, smart, sophisticated man who loves me as much as I love him.
2. Smelling the sea
3. Finding my Yankee candle wax tarts that I thought I had lost
4. sticking to my resolution of being the best "me" I can be
5. excellent show about "secret leaders of the world" on the TRIO channel tonight (look up the word "paranoid" in the dictionary and you will find my picture there...especially when it comes to the government)
These Irish Eyes Are Smiling...
I went into Hell*Mart prepared to wage war with management....
I was fully expecting to be fired.
I just told Chad that I couldn't accept the bakery position. He passed the buck on up the chain of command to co-manager Brian.
So, I cofidently strode into his office, looked him in the eye and said I couldn't take the position. It wouldn't work out with my family.
He simply said "Ok".
Hmmm...seems to easy. However I will come back to work on Friday, work my HBA schedule and see what BS they come up with then. Probably nothing.
So the good thing is I still have a job, the bad thing is that it is at Hell*Mart. But it is only temporary. Mark is helping learn some new software and that will help me to get a job more suited to me.
Both Mark and Leslie came over tonight. Leslie brought some lasagna and garlic bread. I was supposed to cook for Mark....but Leslie really wanted to come over and give me my gifts and she told me just to supply the drinks. Sooo...I guess I will make "Bear Steak" for Mark this weekend. ("Bear" steak is just steak marinated in soy sauce and broiled in the oven. I call it "Bear" steak because it is my dad's recipie and I have called him "Bear" or "Daddy Bear" since I was 3 or 4).
Leslie brought me some ocean water...so now I have bottles of the Atlantic and the Pacific. She also brought me a basket with little beach combing goodies in it like a crab shell, a crab leg, driftwood, shells. And she found a cute mermaid figurine with a dolphin. I couldn't believe she found a mermaid!
She also got me the greatest card. It was so perfectly "us".
Mark and I had time to ourselves after Leslie left.....that was soooooooooooo nice. MMmmmmmmm.....yummy.....
I hate for him to leave....it sucks tearing ourselves apart.
Theresa sent me this little questionnaire about the loss of a child. It has been 5 years since Faith died and a lot of healing has taken place, but I will always bear the scar and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.
When I first got this I wasn't going to fill it out. It's just easier to push the thoughts and feelings aside. But that is not like me. So I filled it out:
1.What is the name of your angel(s) Faith Elizabeth
2.What is the hardest thing in everyday life for you to deal with ? In regards to my angel I would say that the hardest part of everyday life is when people ask me how many kids do I have? Or just knowing that I will *never* have all my children together on this Earth at one time.
3.If you could write a book about losing a child/children, what would the title be? "Acts of Faith"
4.Since losing your angel, have you found anything to help you deal with it a little easier? meeting other moms (in person and online) who have suffered a similar loss, starting my local SHARE chapter....helping others heal is so rewarding, time, tears and more time.
5.If you could ask God just one question, what would it be? The obvious answer is "why?"...Not neccesairly "why me" but "why was her heart sick? was it something I did?"
6. Do you believe in angels sending you signs that they are with you? If you do, have you ever gotten a sign? Yes I do. And Yes, I have gotten many, many signs from her (thus the name of the book "Acts of Faith", LOL that's what I call them): tiny white feathers floating down from nowhere, lights on the celing in the shape of angels or hearts, her tiny footsteps on my mom and dad's bed....I could go on and on.
7.Do you associate a special song with your angel(s)? "Just Think of Me and I'll Be There" by The Escape Club, "I Would Have Loved You Anyway" by Trisha Yearwood, "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion and of course, "Ave Maria".
8.Do you have a special or favorite saying? "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
9.If you could spend just one hour with your angel(s), what would you do? Goddess, this is hard. I would take her in my arms and kiss her cheeks and her lips.....brush my hand over her long black hair....smile at her through my tears and tell her how very much I love her and miss her. Then we would go to a playground: chasing each other, swinging with her on the swings and riding on the merry-go-round. After that I would hold her on my lap again, rocking her back and forth singing "My Darling Child" until it was time for her to go home. (it took me awhile to answer this one, too, Theresa. and I cried, too *hugs* ).
10.Has anything positive happened because of your loss? I've learned how it's important to always show the people we love how much we love them and to tell them everytime you get the chance to.That life is to short to wait and see and miss going for the things that make you happy,just take your chances and trust in yourself and your heart.That being gentle and loving with people will come back and hold you when you are going through bad times. (couldn't have said it better myself, Theresa)
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And this from Moon.....in my witches group....inspired by the sea:
"I could not bear her lips to touch mine,
Her kiss is to drown.
So I stay amongst her coves and shallow places,
Where I can bathe in her warmth and all her colors of
aqua......green.....turqoise and palest blue."
5 Gratitudes:
1. The love of a good man
2. Devoted friends who bring the sea to me
3. I still have a job....albeit a sucky one
4. great tax return on the way
5. groceries in the house for a change!
Here's The Deal
You may recall my post from a few days ago where I wrote about the hell I raised in Wal*Mart...telling my sister that I hated my job and that I should just quit and that one sure way to get fired was to tell everyone I wanted a union in there. And then two minutes later Chad shows up in my dept. with his sweet voice telling me how much he missed me, was my ex still bothering me? What was going on with Mike and I? Oh, I have a *new* boyfriend? Great! Is there ANYTHING at all he could do for me? Remember that one? ok. It seemed kinda wierd...but I just blew it off.
Then suddenly on Monday, Co-manager Brian and Rose in Personnel hustle my ass into the office to get me all signed up for a position in the bakery. Oh, it will be wonderful (they say). I'll make $8.00/hr (right now I only make $6.40) and I'll have the WHOLE day ahead of me as the hours are 2am-11am. I am just about ready to sign the papers to change my availability when CHAD walks in. He says, "Jennifer can I talk to you for a minute?"
I was like "sure"
So he goes "People have been complaining that your boyfriend has been on the floor with you for two hours" (God that sounds perverted but I don't mean it *that* way, LMAO)
I said, "He has been here, but certainly not for two hours!!" I went on to tell him how yes, Mark came and had lunch with me and I didn't know that was a problem.
Chad says "Oh, it's not. It's ok for him to have lunch with you, but he can't be on the floor with you for two hours at a time."
I said "Well, he wasn't. That is an exaggeration."
He said in his sugary voice "Well I'm not getting on your case....it's just an FYI".
I said "Ok"
and he goes "And since you are going to the bakery now it doesn't matter."
Oh really. How interesting......
Then he says "By the way, I hear you are getting married!" *my jaw drops to the floor*
I said "Noooooo...."
he goes "an engagement, then?"
I said "Not right now.....probably in the future but not right now."
He said "Well I heard you were getting married...."
Ok, well, again reflect back a few posts and you will see where Alan made comments about me "wanting a ring" when Mark came to visit me. Also when I was going out with Mike, Chad wrote Alan up for "talking too much" but Chad has never written me up for any of that.
So, I am thinking Alan complained to someone in management about the special treatment I get from Chad, how my boyfriend (whom Alan would naturally be insanely jealous of) comes to visit me for "hours" and I don't get written up but he does. Now they want to cart me off to the bakery and work funky hours so I won't be the social butterfly.
Another popular theory revolves around Chad and his "sugary voice" and "concerns" for me...and the fact that on March 1st he transfers to the grocery side of the store. Maybe he wants me over there...to keep his eye on me.
So, I don't work tomorrow, but I am going to go in and tell them that I cannot accept the bakery job. They may tell me "Well, it's too late, you are signed up" or "it's the bakery or nothing". Then I will tell them to play "hide and go fuck yourself".
As Mark pointed out tonight, I could get a 20 hour per week job paying $8.00/hr and and get as much as I would working 32 hours at Hell*Mart.
I think I am being sabatoged.
Thoughts, anyone?
Faith and Courage
I have tremendous amounts of both. =-)
Winds of change are swirling around me. I don't know where I'll end up but somehow I know I will land on my feet and be better off in the long run.
Tons of mysterious albeit facsinating things are happening in the world of Wal*Mart. I don't know how much longer I will be working there....and if my leaving will be voluntary or enforced. Either way I am ultimately responsible. I didn't always act in a "professional and don't you ever forget it"--(Ron Rudsinski, 2001) manner at work but they gave me lots of lee way and seemed entertained by me. Hell, I know very few people at Wal*Mart who act in a "professional and don't you ever forget it" manner. Even the managers. Especially managers that ask about my boyfriends,etc.
Am currently searching for a job with day hours. Actively searching for a job with day hours. Even if things weren't messed up at Hell*mart I'd still want a job with a day shift. I have been asking for that since August.
On the romance front, things are fine. I spent the night at Mark's last night. Kept him up all night, the poor dear.
Leslie is back. We had fun at work last night until the shit hit the fan, LOL. Then we discussed theories. She walked me to my car and I drove her over to hers.
5 Gratitudes
1. The sunrise.....a new day to bless
2. Mark awakening me with a kiss when he left for work
3. The slant of the sun on my bookshelf
4. The sound of my windchimes
5. Leslie is back
Gorgeous
mmmmm......I am sitting here in my living room and I can hear the sounds of my windchimes on the porch.
Winter is still sleeping (Brian will have fun with her tonight) so I was going to play some of MP3's. But I heard my chimes and decided to listen to them....and go within.
(10 minutes later, LOL)
Ah, what a wonderful tool meditation is. I feel renewed and refreshed. Not all frazzled out and at the end of my rope. I feel secure in myself and in the love others have for me.
Thanks be to the chimes...for leading me to my Spirit.
Also thanks be to Theresa and Tammy for the wonderful advice and support in my last post regarding fear of abandonment. It's nice to know I can call for help and they will answer.
Leslie came over today. I was so happy to see her again. I missed her terribly. mmmm...Mark has kept me deliciously and delightfully happy (Actually there are no words to describe the way he makes me feel) but it's nice to have a girl to carry on with, too. Andrea is nice but we lost a lot of our friendship after Faith died and we were never able to recapture what we had. Michelle is a good friend, too. But it's different with Leslie. We have only known each other six months but we were fast friends. And I am grateful for that. She knows where I am in life, at work and she loves me and accepts me at that level. As does Mark. Both of them think I am beautiful but they also see my inner light. I wish I could see it...see what they see in me. Meditation will help with that.
Tonight after work I am going to Mark's house. Probably tie him up to the bed and have my way with him. {{{shiver}}} at the thought of it. When it hits 10pm I will be running like a mad bastard out of that store!
The Weakness In Me
is (among others) this fear of abandonment.
Where is that coming from?? I was the baby of the family, cherished and spoiled. Even at work Chad spoils me. I get away with a lot. So why this fear of abandonment?
I would like to blame it on ex boyfriends, but I wasn't always the one to be dumped. I'd say it was about 50/50. Some I got rid of, some (like Mike) got rid of me.
Could it be from Faith's death? And the way I felt God/ess abandoned me?
The reason I bring it up was it came to me at work. I was in kind of a funk....not exactly sure why. So as I did my stupid slave work I began to do search within myself and that is what came up. That I was afraid of being abandoned. Not afraid of being alone...as I like time to myself now and again...(Goddess knows this...I have tried three times this weekend to listen to Sinead O'Connor singing but everytime I try to close my eyes and listen to the music I hear "MOMMY!!!!!" or the damn phone rings or the "My Beautiful Mermaid" doll starts singing, ugh).
Work celebrated my birthday as well as they could. The time clock told me "Happy Birthday" every time I clocked in or out. Loretta made me an angel food cake that I shared with only certain people: Loretta, Pam, Allen, Paul, some girls from Softlines, Ass't. Manager Beth Anne and of course Mark when he came out to visit.
Beth Anne gave me a "Happy Birthday from Hell*Mart" pin and she announced my birthday over the PA system and made everyone at the evening meeting sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I looooved it. hahahhaha
Fucking Allen. I am just going to kick his ass. When Mark came out for cake Steph was at the table with me and she asked what I got from my "boyfriend" for my birthday. So I told her and she said "Aww, that's so sweet. I wish my boyfriend was so thoughtful with his gifts." And Short Ass boy goes "Yeah, she was hoping for a ring in there!" Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhh! Why did he say that? Then Loretta goes "Yeah, Mark when are you giving her a ring?" I wanted to just die. Bad enough I am in hell working but then that. They never said that to Mike....or Allen....or anybody else. So I apologized to Mark on the way back to my department and he just blew it off. He was like "you'll get a ring when the time is right." Well, good. But I don't want him thinking I am one of those women out to "catch a husband". If it happens (and personally I think it will) then good. But I will not "Force" the issue on him. Then he made some joke about the "young girls" in the break room checking him out. I know he was joking (and I know the girls were looking at him because he is "jennifer's new man") but it kind of tworked me off. I guess because of past experiences I don't find jokes like that particularly funny...especially on the day I turn 31 for christ's sake. Oh well. I am an old lady. That's cool. I can live with that. As Dr. Monty Sellon says "growing old beats the alternative".
Tomorrow I am going to Staff Co. Let them find a day job for me. I am full up of Wal*Mart. It is sucking the very soul out of me and I cannot stand it anymore. I want day hours so I can spend time with my kids, bring a sense of routine back to their life. Routines are comforting.....just as the rhythm of the ocean is so comforting.
Theresa called me today. I love to hear her voice. I just adore her accent!
Leslie will be back tomorrow. I cannot wait. I have missed her so much. Mark brings tremendous joy to my life but I miss "girl talk" with her and the way she would say shit at work to make me laugh. Like "Sucks to be you, Martin!" (in reference to Mike Martin). Besides all that she is bringing me ocean water, shells and a birthday present. I will probably cry.
5 Gratitudes:
1. Didn't have to line rush today
2. Beth Anne was the closing manager....not the Dragon Lady
3. People at work were nice to me on my birthday...
4. Next year's birthday will be better
5. All the nice E-cards I got in the mail =-)
**One last thing. In one of SARK's books (can't think which one now) she reccommends choosing a song that you would sing to yourself...or that you would dedicate to your "inner child". As "poppy" as this song is, I would have to say I choose this one:
"The Middle"
by Jimmy Eat World
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Paranoid
I should have never watched that video on walmartyrs.com It hits too close to home. I have seen all of what they discussed in that video. They showed clips from the brainwashing, propaganda videos that we watched during training. They talked about how management is trained to spot the "trouble makers" and "potential union joiners". And if they see this independent thinking associate talking to others for a length of time they are supposed to walk by and say "Is there something I can help you with?" Or interrupt the conversation. This has happened to me countless times.
Tonight was wierd at work. 30 people called in because of the weather. When I heard that I was upset. I should have called in. Then I could have spent the rest of the day with Mark. But, I digress.
It was wierd because I didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to just clock out and leave. It's to the point that I hate it that much. I told myself it is only a temporary hell, etc. But it wasn't working. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be anywhere but there. It just so happened as I was walking to my area I saw my sister, Kristy and Kirby all hanging out by the cheap DVD's. So I talked to them for awhile. Then I began to bitch about my job: how I hated it, how I should go apply at Family Dollar, the work would be way easier, I wouldn't have to work so late and they start you out at $7.00/hr which is .40 cents more than I make now. I also said how I was looking for a way to get fired.
Dawn says "Steal company time like Nate did." I said "I do that and they haven't fired me."
I said "I should just tell them I want the Union in here. That's a surefire way to get fired." They all laughed at me and then I said "Well, I better get back to Hell." So I go back to what I was doing and here comes Chad. (Visions of the video are flashing in my head). I thought he was going to get on my case for wearing jeans and a low cut shirt, or for being 10 minutes late. But he didn't mention any of that.
He talked about how he hadn't seen me for awhile as he was on vacation and I had the past two days off. I told him how lucky I was to have Valentine's Day off and he asked me how that went. I swear I turned like 6 shades of red. I hate that I blush so easily. Then he asked if Ron was still giving me trouble and how were things with Mike. So I told him how Mike and I broke up but that I was seeing this wonderful new guy and that was who I spent Valentine's Day with. Just chit chat.
Then he goes "Is there anything I can help you with Jennifer? What can I do for you?" I wanted to laugh. First of all, I wasn't sure what he was getting at, and then I was being paranoid and thinking he heard me talking about the union and how much I hate my fucking job. I said "Well, is there any chance of me getting day hours on the weekends?" And he was all like "Oh yeah! Sure! That's no problem!" And then he said "I know this seems like a dull, boring job. You come in and zone and go home only to come back and do the same thing the next day. But when we have a person like you here, who does a good job, it really means a lot and makes a difference to us." I said "Thank you."
But all night I pondered that....did he hear me? I didn't see him but then I wasn't exactly looking for him. I should try that more often. Keep bringing the union up and see what they do.
On to bigger and better things.....
I had a most excellent Valentine's Day. Mark and I were warm and cozy in his apartment while the snow falled softly and quietly outside. It was heaven on earth.
We exchanged gifts...I gave him a stuffed tiger inside a balloon filled with "kisses" and a DVD that had all these romantic moments from movies with classical music in the background (since we are both such movie buffs). He got me a gift set from Bath and Body Works...spearmint and Eucalyptus massage oils and lotion. He gave me the most beautiful card....all about soul mates. I was very touched because that is how I think of him. When our eyes first met the thought that went through my head was "There you are!" I recognized some part of him.
I had to laugh when I saw his computer, he has the same picture of him and I set as wallpaper on his computer that I do. It was cute.
He cooked a delicious seafood dinner, that we ate by candlelight. The Chardonnay was very smooth...very light. It went down easy and left a nice warm sensation on my throat and in my tummy.
How can it be that each time we make love it is different? It is always so fresh and new and passionate. There is no "routine" to it. I can feel the energy flowing from his fingertips. It is unlike anything I have ever had before. I slept so soundly in his soft bed next to his warm body. I hate sleeping by myself.
This morning we went out and our cars were buried under the snow. Poor Mark had to shovel them out and then rock them back and forth to get them out. I felt like telling him when he was trying to get my car out "Screw it! I'll call work and tell them I am stuck!" But he got them out. Then we went to brunch at Village Inn.
I hate leaving him....even though I know I will see him the next day...I just can't bear to be away from him. And it's not like a "clingy" kind of thing...I just like to be with him. He is a part of me and I am a part of him.
Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone who has sent me such lovey E-cards and "virtual boquets" for my birthday!!!! They mean a lot to me!
5 Gratitudes:
1. I survived yet another night working in hell
2. Mark loves me
3. FINALLY found Sinead O' Connor's version of "Sacrifice" (the Elton John song)
4. Hope for the future
5. Didn't get into an accident on the slippery roads tonight.
