~She dances by the light of the moon~
Saturday, April 19, 2003
I am the star that rises from the sea --
The twilight sea.
I bring men dreams that rule their destiny.
I bring the dream-tides to the souls of men;
The tides that ebb and flow and ebb again --
These are my secrets, these belong to me.
--The Sea Priestess by Dion Fortune
I spent the night at Mark's last night and had a dream of roses. I dreamt that someone had sent me 18 dozen pink roses. And I wanted to take one vase of them to Doc's office but he wouldn't let me. Frankly I am surprised I didn't dream of the night sky and glittering diamonds in the sea. I thought for sure I would after watching the vacation video.
It was sad watching them. Sure, it brought back a lot of good memories (I had great fun everytime I went) and it was good to see that I am a heck of a lot skinnier now than I was back then. However, it was sad because I wish I could go again but it is just not an option right now. I'll be moving out of my house in a couple of months and I need to save money for that. No fair.
Mark was uncomfortable watching the videos because Ron and I were together in them and joking, laughing, etc. Naturally it would be difficult for him to see that. I know I would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.
Now I am at home trying to get caught up on a few things before I go back to his place. So far, I've cleaned the fish tank, cleaned my closet, washed my sheets, and fed the cat. Now I am going to shower and get comfy for tonight.
Easter is going to be sad this year. I don't have Tom and Winter. They will be spending Easter with Brian and his family. I have baskets ready for them when they get home, though.
Bought myself a lovely outfit from Maurices last night. It is a long, light blue skirt with a "shark bite" hem and a fitted blue top with bell sleeves. It is very beautiful and it actually looks nice on me. I can't wait to wear it Monday. I swear Doc should give me a clothing allowance. If I was to ask him he would just laugh at me, though.
Today's "Thank You's"
1. I am thankful that I have very good memories. That I have been places and done things that have moved my spirit so much. Some people (like Alan and Brian) live their whole life in one place and know nothing of the world.
2. My beautiful blue outift.
3. I got all my work done now I can go play with Mark some more.
4. My new Mermaid desktop theme...it is wicked cool.
5. Waking up and seeing that Mark was watching me sleep. (Hope I wasn't making any wierd noises or drooling, LOL)
Friday, April 18, 2003
Yay!! It's Friday!
First off, here is my Friday Five:
1. Who is your favorite celebrity? Stephen King (although he does not consider himself a celebrity), Brendan Fraser, Liam Neeson, Harry Connick Jr.
2. Who is your least favorite? Adam Sandler, Gwyenth Paltrow---can we say "annoying"?
3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life? yep! I met Stephen King in November of 2000. It was a moment I will never forget. I talked to him and had my picture taken with him. Woot!
4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not? No, I wouldn't because everyone would judge me and be watching me all the time. I wouldn't like that. I would like the money, though!
5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why? I would love to trade places with Stephen King for a day. I'd like to see how he thinks....besides, he lives in Maine in a nice house.
Another Five:
Today I say thank you to the Goddess because:
1. The morning went smoothly (I was running the office single-handedly today! No office manager)
2. Doc thanked me for working so hard.
3. Mark is coming in as a patient today!
4. Another "new old" patient...which brings our total (counting Mark) to 25...just 5 more new patients and we each get $100 bonus!
5. My son
Thursday, April 17, 2003
I didn't like the Thursday Thumb Twiddler, so I found this onThe Goddess' blog and decided to give it a go. I think it's supposed to be for Wednesday but as usual I am a day late and a dollar short. LOL
1. What if you fell in love with someone who insisted that the two of you live happily ever after... on a houseboat?
Then I would be a very happy woman!
2. What if you could brew a potion to make anyone you want fall in love with you, but you would know it is a magical love and not true love?
I wouldn't use it. First of all it would interfere with their free will and give me bad karma. Also I would want them to love me for ME not because of a spell or potion...but I must admit it would be tempting.
3. What if you could create the perfect man/woman for you to love?
Then I would be a Goddess. But I don't have to create him. He is already here. He is faithful, loving, honest and fun.
4. What if your lover wanted to spend their entire life in a single town and never see the rest of the world?
Then he would be very lonely (amen to that answer, Tracy)
5. What if you could look into the future and see the man/woman with whom you would one day fall in love and marry -- would you leap at the chance, or leave it to be a surprise adventure?
My future is right in front of my eyes. But if I could go back in the past and see the future, yes I would do it in a heartbeat.
1. What if you fell in love with someone who insisted that the two of you live happily ever after... on a houseboat?
Then I would be a very happy woman!
2. What if you could brew a potion to make anyone you want fall in love with you, but you would know it is a magical love and not true love?
I wouldn't use it. First of all it would interfere with their free will and give me bad karma. Also I would want them to love me for ME not because of a spell or potion...but I must admit it would be tempting.
3. What if you could create the perfect man/woman for you to love?
Then I would be a Goddess. But I don't have to create him. He is already here. He is faithful, loving, honest and fun.
4. What if your lover wanted to spend their entire life in a single town and never see the rest of the world?
Then he would be very lonely (amen to that answer, Tracy)
5. What if you could look into the future and see the man/woman with whom you would one day fall in love and marry -- would you leap at the chance, or leave it to be a surprise adventure?
My future is right in front of my eyes. But if I could go back in the past and see the future, yes I would do it in a heartbeat.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
You know the end is near when:
(A) you see a man who has two assholes...one above his buttocks in addition to the usual...
(B) you are "hit on" by a man over the age of 60 who pulls his pants so far down for therapy you can see his ass and when he stands up his "weasel" is standing at attention
and finally
(C) you hear a rap song sampling parts of Beethoven's "Fur Elise".
**Going to hide in my underground bunker
(A) you see a man who has two assholes...one above his buttocks in addition to the usual...
(B) you are "hit on" by a man over the age of 60 who pulls his pants so far down for therapy you can see his ass and when he stands up his "weasel" is standing at attention
and finally
(C) you hear a rap song sampling parts of Beethoven's "Fur Elise".
**Going to hide in my underground bunker
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Back to the Grind again....
I had a nice evening with Mark last night. We didn't do anything special, really, just did a lot of talking, made love, went to dinner and visited Faith's grave. It was his first time there and I was hesitant...I didn't want to freak him out. Some people are so wierd about grief and things like that. He was wonderful and sympathetic.
As I pointed out to him, my grief is a lonely thing. It is a place inside me that no one can fully understand (except other mothers who have lost a child). Yes, my ex is her father and yes, my parents are exceptionally wonderful and supportive however no one knows a mother's pain. And I hate that. I hate being alone in that pain. It's like a tiny island within me and no one can reach me.
I told him I wished that I could just lay my hands on him and say "It feels like THIS". Not that I want to him to hurt...but just so he could understand for a moment how it is.
Frog came to pay a visit while we were out at the cemetary. I think it was a sign from Faith.
Work is alright....very slow, though. We had 10 patients this morning and only 13 scheduled for this afternoon. Compare that with 30 yesterday morning and 35 yesterday afternoon. The phone has been dead, too. So I am trying to hide from the doctor and look very, very busy. Which is next to impossible.
Anyway, here is my "Tuesday This or That"
1. File taxes as early as possible, or wait until the last possible minute? Early as possible! I want that return, baby!
2. File electronically, or mail paper forms? electronically
3. Prepare your own taxes, or have someone do it for you? I have a friend do mine for me
4. Are you a saver or a spender? spender!!!
5. Do you prefer to carry cash, or pay with plastic (credit/debit cards), or by check? check
6. You're broke and desperately need a job, but the only places that are hiring are retail or fast food places. Which would you pick? LOL, retail as I have worked that particular hell before.
7. Keeping track of your money: are you more meticulous or careless about it? I am careless..I need to get better about that.
8. What do you do if you find yourself with a lot of change weighing down your purse/pocket/wallet? Do you try to spend it to *get rid of it*, or do you put it in a jar or a piggy bank? I put it in a jar or my kids' piggy bank
9. Which form of fake money do you like better...Monopoly money or those chocolate coins covered with gold foil? Umm, the chocolate kind.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You find a wallet containing $5,000 in cash, as well as several credit cards and the owner's drivers' license. Your rent is due tomorrow and you're short $200. Do you take the money (some or all of it) and mail back the wallet anonymously...or do you return the wallet with all contents intact? I'd return the contents of the wallet along with a note saying I found it and that I am a divorced mother behind on her rent and hope the guy would give me some of his dough.
I had a nice evening with Mark last night. We didn't do anything special, really, just did a lot of talking, made love, went to dinner and visited Faith's grave. It was his first time there and I was hesitant...I didn't want to freak him out. Some people are so wierd about grief and things like that. He was wonderful and sympathetic.
As I pointed out to him, my grief is a lonely thing. It is a place inside me that no one can fully understand (except other mothers who have lost a child). Yes, my ex is her father and yes, my parents are exceptionally wonderful and supportive however no one knows a mother's pain. And I hate that. I hate being alone in that pain. It's like a tiny island within me and no one can reach me.
I told him I wished that I could just lay my hands on him and say "It feels like THIS". Not that I want to him to hurt...but just so he could understand for a moment how it is.
Frog came to pay a visit while we were out at the cemetary. I think it was a sign from Faith.
Work is alright....very slow, though. We had 10 patients this morning and only 13 scheduled for this afternoon. Compare that with 30 yesterday morning and 35 yesterday afternoon. The phone has been dead, too. So I am trying to hide from the doctor and look very, very busy. Which is next to impossible.
Anyway, here is my "Tuesday This or That"
1. File taxes as early as possible, or wait until the last possible minute? Early as possible! I want that return, baby!
2. File electronically, or mail paper forms? electronically
3. Prepare your own taxes, or have someone do it for you? I have a friend do mine for me
4. Are you a saver or a spender? spender!!!
5. Do you prefer to carry cash, or pay with plastic (credit/debit cards), or by check? check
6. You're broke and desperately need a job, but the only places that are hiring are retail or fast food places. Which would you pick? LOL, retail as I have worked that particular hell before.
7. Keeping track of your money: are you more meticulous or careless about it? I am careless..I need to get better about that.
8. What do you do if you find yourself with a lot of change weighing down your purse/pocket/wallet? Do you try to spend it to *get rid of it*, or do you put it in a jar or a piggy bank? I put it in a jar or my kids' piggy bank
9. Which form of fake money do you like better...Monopoly money or those chocolate coins covered with gold foil? Umm, the chocolate kind.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You find a wallet containing $5,000 in cash, as well as several credit cards and the owner's drivers' license. Your rent is due tomorrow and you're short $200. Do you take the money (some or all of it) and mail back the wallet anonymously...or do you return the wallet with all contents intact? I'd return the contents of the wallet along with a note saying I found it and that I am a divorced mother behind on her rent and hope the guy would give me some of his dough.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
"Cast your eyes on the ocean, cast your soul to the sea.
When the dark night seems endless, please remember me."
--Loreena McKennitt, "Dante's Prayer"
This photo was taken in Portland, ME last year. I thought the rocks looked like a perfect place for a mermaid to sun herself so I took their picture.
It was the last day of our vacation. The next day we would be leaving to come back to this hell hole. I remember leaning against the fence (with the Portland Head Light behind me) staring out at the sea. I was wondering how deep the water was...how badly would I get hurt if I just jumped in? Then I wouldn't have to go back to Nebraska.
It's funny, on the video tape Ron captured me staring out like that. He called my name twice and I never heard him. Finally he whistled and I looked over at him. I was completely unaware that he was taping me all that time. I was lost in the rythm of the waves.
After dinner, when it was dark, Ron took me back to the lighthouse park. I had to see it at night. I crawled through a hole in the fence and ran uphill in complete darkness. I heard the sea off to my left (the hand where a pearl now sits) and I could also hear a bouy bell off in the distance. As I reached the top of the hill (panting, shivering from the cold wind) I saw the light....flashing out across the water.
To this day I cannot say *why* it affected me so profoundly but it did. I just cupped my hand over my mouth and began crying...sobbing. It was so perfect, so beautiful. I remember feeling sorry for the lighthouse. How many years had it stood there--alone--guiding the ships safely home? It was also so majestic! Standing so tall and bold in the night. A short story by Ray Bradbury "The Fog Horn" came to mind. Finally I came to my senses and just threw my head back and said "Thank you!!" to whoever was listening for blessing me with that moment. I still can't talk/write about it without crying.
Ron finally caught up to me (he was never one for running uphill in the black of night) and I made him video tape it. Then I called my parents on the cell phone and climbed to the edge of the cliff and held the phone out so they could hear the ocean and the bouy bell.
When we got back to the hotel room I wrote about the vacation and gave thanks for all the many things I had seen and done. In regard to the lighthouse I wrote about my journey in the night to find the light, and then "I knew I was home again. I could have laid down and died. Never has there been more perfect peace, more "belonging" in my life. When I am an old woman I shall remember all this. I close my eyes now and see all the beauty. With tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart I say farewell to the sea, knowing that I shall return. Her call is too strong to ignore."
My 5 gratitdues:
1. seeing Mark and my son interact so well. Tommy likes him so much and Mark is so patient and giving with Tom.
2. peaceful evening with the kids (and no, I didn't have to take a week's worth of Klonopin, LOL)
3. Finding this picture of the sea and all the happy memories it brought back for me.
4. The Snarky One taught me how to overcome the "right click disabled" thingy
5. Got two songs downloaded off of WinMX that I have been trying to get for the past two weeks.
Sunday sucks.
Sunday means that Monday is right around the corner. And Monday means getting up early and working until 5:30. Ugh.
I wish I didn't have to work. Wouldn't it be nice just to play all day?
I can't complain. This weekend hasn't been too bad. The kids and I have been enjoying the fresh air and beautiful weather.
My honey came over this afternoon and fixed the mirror on my car. Just before Brian gave me Taurus (after our divorce) he was backing out of the garage and he knocked the mirror loose. So, for about a year and a half the damn thing has been dangling. Even when I dated a mechanic it didn't get fixed. He was too busy with his laundry and sleeping to do anything for me. OOH, Do I sound bitter or what?
Mark got it fixed though. I swear there is nothing that man can't do. He knows so much about so many different things. It's amazing. It makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. LOL But that is nothing new.
I had pizza delivered for lunch and I even let him borrow one of my sacred DVD's. And that is really saying something because I gaurd those with my life. heh heh I will take good care of him tomorrow, too! I gave him a little taste of what was coming tomorrow and he made a quick exit holding the DVD's in front of him growling about how mean I was. *wicked laughter*
Well, it is time for me to take a week's worth of Klonopin. Tom and Winter are at each other's throats and I am strung out......
Give me some love.
Sunday means that Monday is right around the corner. And Monday means getting up early and working until 5:30. Ugh.
I wish I didn't have to work. Wouldn't it be nice just to play all day?
I can't complain. This weekend hasn't been too bad. The kids and I have been enjoying the fresh air and beautiful weather.
My honey came over this afternoon and fixed the mirror on my car. Just before Brian gave me Taurus (after our divorce) he was backing out of the garage and he knocked the mirror loose. So, for about a year and a half the damn thing has been dangling. Even when I dated a mechanic it didn't get fixed. He was too busy with his laundry and sleeping to do anything for me. OOH, Do I sound bitter or what?
Mark got it fixed though. I swear there is nothing that man can't do. He knows so much about so many different things. It's amazing. It makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. LOL But that is nothing new.
I had pizza delivered for lunch and I even let him borrow one of my sacred DVD's. And that is really saying something because I gaurd those with my life. heh heh I will take good care of him tomorrow, too! I gave him a little taste of what was coming tomorrow and he made a quick exit holding the DVD's in front of him growling about how mean I was. *wicked laughter*
Well, it is time for me to take a week's worth of Klonopin. Tom and Winter are at each other's throats and I am strung out......
Give me some love.
