~She dances by the light of the moon~
Now I remember why I don't watch TV
I was flipping through the channels during my lunch hour today and happened to come upon Court TV. That is bad news in itself.
They were showing a case where a two year old little girl died at a day care.
The "teachers" had forgotten she was in the van...they didn't do a headcount like they are supposed to do. So, this little girl was locked in the van where temperatures reached 140 degrees. She was in there for three hours.
They didn't even know she was missing until her mom came to pick her up!!! I try to put myself in that mother's place and it makes me sick in my stomach.
This just strengthens my resolve to find someone to come into OUR house when I go back to work after the baby is born. Hopefully I will be able to find someone at a reasonable rate that I can trust not to hurt or neglect the baby or go through my stuff.
Been meaning to say this for awhile now:
Hot
Last Night
was a bad night. The worst I have had since stopping my Klonopin. I was so restless. I couldn't sit down for more than two minutes at a time. And then when I did sit down I kept tapping my foot, or twirling my hair. And the headache! Dear God! I thought I was being stabbed through the top of my head.
I kept myself occupied with the kids....we played video games and looked through old photo albums...got them bathed and tucked in. Then I went on my bed and hugged my teddy bear...rocking back and forth with tears streaming down my face. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep despite being so tired. So I gave in. I took half a pill. HALF! Just HALF a pill.
I'm sorry...call me what you want. Think of me what you want. I simply cannot see how me being all strung out like that is ANY good for the baby. I am sure my blood pressure was through the roof. I know my heart was racing.
I also know that I fought hard. I have gone all this time without it. But it was just too much last night. So I took half a pill.
Within an hour (at the most) I felt NORMAL. Not "high" or "stoned" or anything like that. I just felt NORMAL again. I didn't feel like I had a fire under my skin. And guess what? I slept well. I slept straight through until 6 am. I haven't done for about a week.
So I figure I will take HALF a pill AS NEEDED. Not everyday or every other day, even. Just as I need it. Epileptic mothers take this drug (in a far higher dose than mine) and studies show the babies to be born just fine. Besides some doctors tell pregnant woman to keep SMOKING for God's sake because the stress of quitting would be worse for the baby.
So that is my decision.
Work so far has been good.
A patinet came in today and he gave me a corsage....a pink rose and a tiger lilly. It is gorgeous I have no clue what prompted him to do that.
Doc gave me one of those gel packs that you can put in the microwave for heat or in the freezer for cold. I thought that was nice of him.
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here
Pregnancy = vivid dream life
I have been having mighty wierd dreams since I found out I am pregnant. All the hormones swirling around in my body must fall into my head when I lay down.
Last night I didn't sleep worth a damn. I think I was feeling a little bit of w/d from Klonopin. After about an hour and a half of tossing and turning I finally fell asleep.
And had a nightmare about this
Freak Of Nature
First of all, let me say I don't own any of this freak's music and I don't like him at all. He is sick in so many different ways. But anyhow...
In the nightmare I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the house Mark and I just bought. I looked over my shoulder and saw The Freak coming up behind me. I took off running like a bat out of hell....ran in the house, up the stairs and shut myself in the closet.
Next thing I know he is in my bedroom..standing in the doorway..looking all sorts of creepy. I tried to scream but couldn't. I was paralyzed with fear. I prayed "Please God, let me wake up from this dream!" But I couldn't wake up. So then I told myself in the dream that this was my dream and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. So I decided I would turn The Freak into a spider and then I could step on him! So I tried, but it didn't work and he just laughed at me. (I find it very interesting how I KNEW I was dreaming and tried to control the dream. This is the first "lucid dream" I have had in awhile).
The next thing I know he is holding me hostage on the bed. He is lying next to me and just talking about his music and his life. I just laid there sick with fear thinking he would never leave or that he would kill me. I remember trying to talk to him and asking him if he was still seeing that Rose McGowen chick or whatever her name is.
I must have fallen asleep (in the dream) because when I woke up (in the dream) he was gone. Then I woke up in real life and my heart was racing and pounding so hard in my chest that it hurt.
I have no clue what brought that shit on. I hope he stays out of my nightmares from now on.
It seems that I can continue my belly dance while I am pregnant. I'll just have to do my hip drops a bit more gently.
This site shows a belly dance video specifically for pregnant women and shows pictures of pregnant belly dancers who actually look like Goddesses to me.
I've gone 3 days without any Klonopin. So far I haven't noticed any ill effects. I chatted for two hours the other night with a man who was on 15-20mg of Klonopin a day (compared to my 1mg/day) He weaned himself off of it and is now pill free. His struggle was horrible. However he thinks I will be just fine as I was on such a low dose. That was comforting.
"Peanut" (as my mother calls The Wee One) seems to be doing just fine. My hormones are strong, that is for sure.
My boobs seem to grow with each passing day (as Mark can testify to) and there is an almost continuous feeling of queasiness. But I view these as good signs....strong hormones, good chance of the pregnancy carrying to term....and of course who am I to complain of bigger boobs?
Mark talks to the baby and I just love that. The baby listens to him very well.
He told the baby to make sure I slept well the other night (as I slept for shit the night before) and "tell mommy to be sure and turn the air conditioner on". I slept like a rock that night..with the air conditoner on. =-)
Today he told the baby that he loved it. And that means a lot to me. I want him to love the child as much as I do.
Speaking of children and Mothers, I found this poem on the Belly Dance site:
Prayer to the Divine Mother
Divine Mother,
Earth Mother!
In your image I am made,
a human vessel
filled with Life spirit.
I celebrate your infinite Creation:
I turn and dance in reverence
to the rhythms of the Universe,
music of the Cosmos,
giving form to your seed
that in me lives and grows
into a child of Love.
Oh Goddess of Beauty and Grace,
Queen of Peace!
In the abundance that you give may you be honored,
that we may not call forth our own destruction,
but spread your Glory
far and wide upon the earth.
Mother, I am your daughter,
of your pure spirit I am nourished.
With you in heart and mind, I create.
To you I surrender,
To you I surrender,
in the dance...
of Life,
Birth,
and Rebirth.
June 1993, Mirayah Delamar
