~She dances by the light of the moon~

2003-07-16T02:24:00.000-05:00

LOL!

I must say I just LOOOVE the new look my BLOG has taken on!

Well, it's been fun but I'm off to greener pastures!

Getting married to the love of my life this weekend and having his baby in January.

Blessings to you all!

Later!

2003-07-14T15:42:00.000-05:00

Note to Self: Pregnant, white women look ridiculous rapping to Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice".

You know it's bad when one of your best friends is rolling all over the car floor laughing at you. Hahahahaa!!!!

I guess I lose all street cred when I wear the low cut pink floral maternity top.

Ah hell, it's such a catchy tune, let's all sing it:

Laid back--with my mind on my money and my money on my mind

2003-07-14T14:42:00.000-05:00

Any misgivings I may have had about quitting my job at Mahnke's vanished today when I saw the look in my son's eyes.

He says to me, "Mom are you going to work today?"

I said, "No, I quit my job."

His face lit up like a Christmas tree.

There are other part time jobs waiting for me. I know that. And I have faith that I will find one soon.

But for now I just want to savor that moment.

2003-07-13T12:13:00.000-05:00

Thanks be to Dr. Sellon I am feeling much better now. The tooth is nearly 100% better and the Monday after my wedding I get the tooth taken care of. That will be a joy! No laughing gas, no IV since I am pregnant. I really, really hate dentists but I need to get this tooth fixed so it won't flare up again like it did before. That was misery. I was tempted to do like Tom Hanks did in "Castaway" and just break the damned thing out of my mouth. I'm glad now that I didn't. LOL!

We ordered our wedding cake today. It will be ready Saturday by 11. It is going to be gorgeous!!! We made a trip down to Next Millenium and got some things for the altar. So, I am not quite as nervous as I was earlier. I will actually be relieved when it is over. I was so close to just getting married by a justice of the peace. Again, I am glad that I didn't do that.

I quit my job at Mahnke's. He was just making my life miserable. He was such a bite in the ass to work for. I feel great! I feel like the wieght of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. True, I now have to look for a part time job but at least I don't have to see that mean old toad anymore!!!! Or put up with the sexual comments from certain patients.

2003-07-11T11:08:00.000-05:00

Well I was going to say how great it was that Mark stayed up and took care of me last night while I was weeping in pain from my abcessed tooth.

Then I read his blog about "God save us men from stubborn ass women" and I changed my mind. How can he be so sweet to my face when I am in pain and then turn around and call me stubborn?

Maybe he wasn't talking about me. I never considered myself stubborn. But then again I've never considered myself selfish either and I have been called that recently. Guess I have a lot to learn.

Mercifully I've had lots of visitors today to help distract me from my pain. I can't get into the dentist until July 21. I did, however, get some antibiotics to clear the infection.

Tomorrow is Leslie's birthday....happy birthday, Les!

And Tammy, I know one day we will sit on that wrap around porch on the coast of Maine drinking our tequila sunrises while the children play on the seashore.

2003-07-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

"The Old Ways" Lyrics
Loreena McKennitt
The Visit CD

The sea is calling me home, home to you.
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.

On a dark new year's night
on the west coast of Clare
I heard your voice singing.
Your eyes danced the song,
your hands played the tune.
T'was a vision before me.

We left the music behind and the dance carried on
as we stole away to the seashore
and smelt the brine, felt the wind in our hair
and with sadness you paused.

Suddenly, I knew that you'd have to go.
Your world was not mine, your eyes told me so.
Yet it was there I felt the crossroads of time
and I wondered why.

As we cast our gaze on the tumbling sea,
a vision came o'er me,
of thundering hooves and beating wings
in the clouds above.

As you turned to go, I heard you call my name.
You were like a bird in a cage, spreading its
wings to fly.
'The old ways are lost', you sang as you flew
and I wondered why.

The thundering waves are calling me home, home to you.
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.

The pounding waves are calling me home, home to you.
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.

2003-07-10T14:03:00.000-05:00

Will I ever be able to read this without weeping?

What a gifted writer.

2003-07-10T11:17:00.000-05:00

My life as a pregnant, soon-to-be-married woman is pretty boring and uneventful.

Thus, my BLOG is twice as boring as it usually is. But, really, what is there to post about?

I can't post about our sex life. Not that I would go into any disgusting details but Mark gets all embarassed if I just say "Mark was wonderful last night".

Should I post about the laundry and the dishwaser? Or what we ate for dinner?

Or the book I read and the PC game he played?

Boooorrring.

So, for today I'll just make a list of things that suck, and things that do not suck.

I'll start with the bad and finish with the good. That way I end this on a positive note:

*Things That Suck*

1. My friend Leslie (who works in Garden Center at Hell*Mart) cut the tip of her finger off at work the other day. The doctor stitched it back on and she had to return to work the next day. (what *doesn't* suck about this was at least she didn't injure her MIDDLE finger. That would really be a shame.)

2. I can't play the music on my computer. Mark has his computer and my computer networked (God forbid I touch his computer...) so I can use mine but the speakers are hooked up to his computer. So I have no sound.

3. Still waiting for the wedding gown to arrive. I emailed the dress maker and asked when and how it would be shipped. The only answer I got was "it will be shipped usps." No clue as to when. And the wedding is next weekend.

4. Hormones getting the best of me. I am feeling stressed and panicky about the wedding/handfasting. There is so much yet to be done and we haven't even begun to do it. The pregnancy hormones are also making me feel insecure about myself. I look in the mirror and I see a nice face, great boobs (thanks to the booby fairy), nice legs but a round tummy. I am blessed to be pregnant but I worry that as the pregnancy progresses and my belly gets bigger that Mark may lose interest in me. We've discussed this and he says that I am even more beautiful (he shoots! he scores!). So I guess it's just a woman thing.

*Things That DON'T Suck*

1. Our new home

2. the friends that Tommy has made

3. seeing Dr. Sellon today

4. today is my day off! And that evil bastard Mahnke will be on vacation all of next week! YAY!!

5. my friends

6. I am blessed to be carrying a beautiful, healthy baby

7. The hope that one day I might actually get to see the ocean again.

2003-07-07T00:44:00.000-05:00

Only my daughter would ask this:

"Where is my unicorn shirt and my frog pants?"

2003-07-06T16:28:00.000-05:00

Happy Times

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

The kids had a wonderful 4th of July weekend in the new home. We all went swimming in our backyard, Tom made friends with the two boys next door so now he has friends in the neighborhood and they will be walking to school together. Lots of fireworks, grilling and "playtime". It was very nice.

Mark and I are quite settled in the new home and now the focus is on the upcoming handfasting. A lot more people are coming that what I had originally planned for but I am not going to turn anyone away. I think a lot of the people are coming just to see the ceremony. They have never seen a handfasting and are very curious. I am, too!

The Wee One is doing well. I bought a few more maternity tops today. The pants are still too big but my short little shirts just don't work on this 3 month pregnant belly.

Ok, so we've pretty much decided on names.....Marina Nicole for a girl and Colin Matthew for a boy. Although that is subject to change at a moment's notice.

2003-07-04T08:35:00.000-05:00

Ha, Ha....How Did They Know??

From my Yahoo start page:

"You may find that an emotional issue is rubbing you the wrong way today, dear Aquarius. Your tendency is to want to escape. Try to do so in a healthy manner. Go out and see a movie or read a book. Don't fall prey to the temptation to indulge in large amounts of drugs and alcohol. This will only push the problems away temporarily. When they resurface again, they may be even harder to handle".

If it wasn't for The Wee One I do believe I would be drinking myself silly this weekend...and the next day, and the next day and the day after that............

2003-07-02T09:16:00.000-05:00

Here I Am

Back again.

Mark and I are moved into our new home. It is absolutely gorgeous and I am very pleased with it. Each time I step into the house I can feel the weight of the world slipping off my shoulders. It is my refuge.

Naturally moving was a tremendous pain in the ass. Next time I am just taking a suitcase. I swear to God that is what I am going to do. Pack a suitcase, get on the bus and head back to New England.

The kids adore the house. Tom is so happy to have his own room and Winter loves her new bed. The cat isn't too fond of the hardwood floors and all the stairs but he will just have to suck it up.

Plenty of friends came to visit and check out the new place but only a few actually did any work.

The Wee One seems to be doing well. I had my OB visit with Dr. Sellon last week. He said my blood sugars looked "beautiful" and he doesn't think it is diabetes. Because I only had two high readings and that was when I was sick. All the rest were well within the normal range. However just to be on the safe side he is going to do glucose tolerance testing *twice* during this pregnancy. Also he will be sending me to the perinatologist in the 16th week for a second ultrasound. Again, just to make sure everything is ok. I was shocked to discover that I had only gained two pounds so far. I was terrified to step on the scale as my tummy is so round (although when I mention the pregnancy to patients at work they are rather surprised that I am pregnant..and here I am thinking I am big as a house. A matter of perspective I guess).

The morning sickness has passed, too, so it's all good.

Couldn't sleep last night. I wanted to just get up, smoke a clove and drink a cold Bartles and James. Instead I got up and looked through some old papers. I found a song that was written for me a few years ago. The title of it is "I Guess She'd Rather Be By The Ocean" sung to the tune of John Denver's "I Guess He'd Rather Be In Colorado". LMAO

2003-06-24T12:46:00.000-05:00

Gone For Awhile

I will be off line for most of this week as Mark and I are moving into our new house. We spent our first night there last night and it was amazing. It feels like home.

All his furniture and things are there...now comes the daunting task of moving *my* stuff.

The pregnancy is going well. I saw the diabetes counselor yesterday. She taught me how to check my blood sugars. So far they have been really good. So it might have just been the fact that I was sick that drove up my sugars. We'll know by Thursday. That is when I see my doctor again.

Work is much better. The office manger moved me to part time hours. So I only work 1:30-5:30. That is so much better than the 10 and 12 hour days I was working.

Tammy, I can't wait to see you! It can't come soon enough!

Jennifer, thank you for your help with the move.

Y'all are great.

2003-06-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

For You All:

I see you as the Goddess sees you.

I surround you with thoughts of love.

I see you strong, because the Goddess is your strength.

I see you whole, because the Goddess is the life of your body.

I see you unafraid, because the Goddess fills you with faith and courage.

I see you free from doubt and discouragement, serene and steady, because the light of spirit glows within you.

I see you invincible, unconquerable, because you are a spiritual being, a child of the Most High.

I know that the healing power of the Goddess is mightily active in you.

Every time I think of you, I give thanks that our Mother's perfect work is being done in you, for you, and through you.

2003-06-20T19:55:00.000-05:00

Shamelessly Stolen From My Newest Reader, Spazzy

A-Z my life and junk

A - Animals/Pets: Valentino, my faithful companion for the past 14 years. He is a beautiful orange tabby cat.
B - Best Friend: Tammy, Leslie, my sister and Mark
C - Cohabitants: So far me, my son Tom and my daughter Winter. In a few weeks we can add Mark to the mix!!
D - Desire(s): To be the best mother, wife and daughter that I can be and to one day retire on the New England Coast
E - Eye Color: Blue
F - Favorite Food(s): right now, anything that The Wee One likes!
G - Games: Hmm...don't really have any. I don't have time to play computer or video games.
H - Habit(s): having lots of sex with Mark
I - Interests: Wicca, the ocean, creative things....
J - Job: Receptionist/Physical Therapist at a chiropractor's office
K - Kitchen (Wonder or Blunder?): I can bake a wicked good apple pie!
L - Languages: a few Italian words and lots of Bitch-eese
M - Most Valued Possession(s) (an item, not people/pets): my photos
N - Name (Named after?): Fittingly enough for the mermaid, my name means "White wave"
O - Outfit You Love: the Maternity clothes they sell at the Gap
P - Pizza Toppings: pepperoni!
Q - Question Asked To You the Most: "Are you from here???" Or "Are you married?"
R - Relationship/Partner: Mark, my sweet baby!
S - Sport: (Playing) at the moment? nothing (Watching) none
T - Television Show(s): I don't watch much TV but when I do, I like "The Dead Zone" and some shows on TLC
U - Unsavory characteristic(s): about me: I am overly sensitive and like to be spoiled, about others: being nosy, being bossy, judgemental, people who lie or harm others
V - Video (Favorites): Practical Magic, Cider House Rules, City of Angels, Life is Beautiful and Pet Semetary
W - Webpage (Favorite--not your own): SARK
X - Xylophone (or other Instrument?): I wish I could play the piano
Y - Year Born: 1972 (yes, I am old)
Z - Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

2003-06-18T16:24:00.000-05:00

That's Just The Way I Am

My boss is a mal-adjusted toad.

This week, after seeing Dr. Sellon's PA, then a trip to the ER, I finally got to see Dr. Sellon (medical staff president, I'll have you know). Turns out I have gestational diabetes (I really shouldn't be surprised there since my mother had it while she was pregnant with me and I was born weighing 11lbs 7oz) and Hyperemesis Gravidarum which is basically a fancy term for excessive morning sickness.

As I knew he would, Dr. Sellon handled things fantastically. I see a dietician on Monday who will give me sample menus and teach me how to test my blood sugar. I also had an ultra sound done today and I got to see The Wee One!!!! He/She is soooooooo cute!! He/She looks like a chubby little teddy bear! I got to see the Wee One waving his/her arms, kicking his/her feet. And Praise Be to all that is Holy the heart rate was perfect! What a relief that was! The technician printed out a picture for Mark and I so I will have to get it up here soon.

But, getting back to my boss. He gave me seven kinds of hell when I called in this morning. I told him I couldn't help it, I had to get this taken care of.

He asked me "Do you want your job or not?"

I said "I want my job but I can't work those long hours!"

He goes "What long hours? We don't work long hours." Hmmm..last time I looked a 12 hour work day was a looong day.

He tried to bully me into coming into work this afternoon but I told him I had to have the ultrasound done and I didn't think I would be in. He goes "Well call me at 1".

So I told Mark I didn't want to go back this afternoon. I had a busy, stressful day and I didn't feel like going. Mark says "That's your decision. I disagree with it but you will do whatever you want. You are "perfectly healthy" (LMAO, sure that's why I have diabetes, and this excessive morning sickness. Ok, twisted logic but I'll buy it). There is no reason why you shouldn't be at work." Grrrrrrr.......

Well, I called the ass (that would be Dr. Mahnke) at 1 and was prepared to fight with him. I told him I had the ultrasound done, told him about the conditions I have and said I would be in Thursday to catch up.

He said "No, just come in Friday. That'll give you another day to rest."

Well, pinch my thighs and call me a jelly doughnut! He was being nicer than Mark was! Wow!

So I am going to have Sellon write me a note or call Mahnke--something--stating I can't work a 12 hour day. But that I will do an 8 hour day. If he can't accept that then he can accept my foot up his ass.

That's just the way I am.

2003-06-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

THE CREATION OF IRELAND

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while southern Europe is going to be poor;

the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black
people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered
in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land
mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Ireland, the most glorious place on
earth.You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the
Hand of God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling
hills.

The people from Ireland are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will
be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be
known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed," What
about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting
around them in Ohio, ILLINOIS, and Nebraska."

2003-06-16T15:33:00.000-05:00

Treasure Chest, Indeed!

Yummy

2003-06-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Baby!

Staying Well > Parenting and Pregnancy > Article

Is Sunbathing OK While Pregnant?

Sunbathing while pregnant is safe as long as the mother avoids severe sunburn and dehydration.
By Amos Grunebaum, MD

Is Sunbathing OK While Pregnant

Question:

My wife is in her fifth week of pregnancy. She likes to sit out in the sun -- she's one of those people that like to have a summer glow about them. The past few years I have said, I think you have had enough sun. You are going to get a sunburn. Yes, sometimes she gets burned. I hate to say I told you so.

But now that she is pregnant, is it still safe? I know she will sit out in the sun and get burned several times this year. I know sunburn generates quite a bit of heat. I would think that it would be like inflicting a fever on your unborn child needlessly.

I know a little bit of sun is OK, but to soak up a couple of hours' worth then be miserable for a couple of days afterward with a sunburn? Is there any way that this could harm the baby?

Answer:

The baby cannot get hurt by your wife sitting out in the sun for a reasonable time, as long as there is no severe sunburn or dehydration.

Amos Grunebaum, MD, is a practicing obstetrician and gynecologist in New York specializing in high-risk pregnancies.

2003-06-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

Look! No More Glowing White Skin!!!

Ahhhhhhh....yes. Finally. I got to soak up the sun's rays and swim to my heart's content.

Granted, it was at the Fremont Lakes but it at least it was water.

My sister and I went out for a couple hours today. My legs got nice and brown...but my shoulders and chest are red. Not too bad, though. I've had much worse. My face is pink so I look a little more healthy. I don't have that white skin, washed out, exhausted woman look anymore.

We had a great time sunbathing. I was very careful not to get overheated. When I started feeling too warm we headed for the water. Ah...it was paradise.

We had a cooler with Cherry Pepsi for her and Diet 7-up for me (as The Wee One cannot have caffeine). Naturally we had sunblock and a bottle of water to rinse our feet off with.

It was so funny when Dawn wanted to put some sunblock on her face I accidently handed her the tube of sunless tanning lotion. I realized my mistake immediately and cried "Don't do it!!!!" LMAO! As if it was poison or something!! I was just worried she would get orange streaks on her face.

Then once we were out in the water and we were noticing how dirty it was. That led us to a discussion about my jars of ocean water...how my water from Wells Beach, Maine is crystal clear and the Pacific water is all yellow and nasty looking. We began reminiscing about our time back East and how we wished we were still there. All this time there was this man looking over at us. I thought he was just looking at the goofy pregnant woman floating on her back (that would be me) or something. But then when we got out of the water he got out, too. The very same time. Hmm, I thought that was odd. He went and sat back down on his blanket with an older lady whom I assumed to be his mother.

He started talking to this lady and Dawn goes "Listen to him!" So I did and I'll be goddamn! He had a strong New England accent. We pretended like we were just lying there but really we were listening to every word he said and noticing how much he sounded like the old man in the movie "Pet Semetary". I tried to get my sister to go over and ask him where he was from and what the hell was he doing in Nebraska. But she wouldn't. I couldn't figure out a good excuse to talk to him (without looking like a dork). So we made up all these stories about his life...how he grew up here in Nebraska, but went back East for several years and was just back here now visiting his mom, or that he got divorced and moved back here, LOL. We are pathetic. Dawn goes "Look he's got a suntan. Maybe he is a fisherman or lobsterman." I told her "There you go! Go get him and then when he moves you back East with him tell him you have to bring your pregnant sister with you!" But then she reminded me that she already has a man. Darn!

The rest of the weekend was very nice,too. I spent it all with my sweetheart. He was very good to me, as usual.

We went through the house again to see what we would need and what kind of cleaining needed to be done (very little). We also looked at some antique shops and watched videos. Lots of loving, too. *wink, wink*

We went out to breakfast today and I gave Mark his Father's Day card. I told him that I loved him very much and was so glad that he is the father of my baby. He is such a sweetheart. I am just so lucky to have him.

After my sister and I were done at the lakes we gave Dad his cards and gifts. Spent a little time visiting him and mom.

I think my "morning/all day" sickness may be on the way out. On Thursday I will be 10 and a half weeks along! So I should be at the tail end of that phase.

Now I am off to surf the Blog Roll.

2003-06-11T22:33:00.000-05:00

And Another....

I heard this song on the dreaded Froggy 98 at Mahnke's office Tuesday afternoon.

I was already having a "Faith Moment", so when I heard this song I literally had to bite the inside of my mouth so I wouldn't cry at work.

My heart was heavy all day after hearing it and Theresa asked me what was wrong. So I told her.

Being the wonderful (and resourceful) friend that she is, she managed to find out who sang the song and tonight she sent me the MP3. That just made my night!

This songs hits so close to home. I remember when Faith was sick (and I was Catholic) how I prayed and begged for her life to be spared. And I believed God would do it! She had already had a couple miracles and did far better than most with her heart condition do. So, when she died.....I felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I felt like I had been slapped in the face (God-smacked, LMAO, if you will).

Anyway, I have to put the lyrics here for safe keeping.

Oh, and this morning as I was getting ready for work--giving myself the "pep talk" to face the day and naturally hoping/praying for The Wee One's safety--a white feather floated down from the celing and landed on my arm. Those of you who know the story of the white feathers understand how profound that was for me.

STREETS OF HEAVEN

Hello God, it's me again
2:00am. Room 304. Visiting hours are over
Time for our bedside tug of war
This sleeping child between us
May not make it through the night
I'm fighting back the tears as she fights for her life

Well it must be kind of crowded on the streets of heaven
So tell me what do you need her for
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever
But right now I need her so much more
She's much too young to be on her own
Barely just turned seven
So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of heaven

Tell me God, do you remember the wishes that she made
As she blew out the candles on her last birthday cake
She wants to ride a pony when she'd big enough
She wants to marry her daddy when she's all grown up

Chorus

Lord don't you know she's my angel
You got plenty of your own
And I know you hold a place for her
But she's already got a home
Well I don't know if you're listenin'
But praying is all that's left to do
So I ask you Lord have mercy, you lost a son once too

And it must be kind of crowded on the streets of heaven
So tell me what do you need her for
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever
But right now I need her so much more
Lord I know once you've made up your mind there's no use in beggin'
So if you take her with you today, will you make sure she looks both ways
And would you hold her hand when she crosses the streets of heaven

2003-06-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

For Faith

"No One Knows But You"--Beth Nielsen Chapman
(note: anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one should get Beth's CD "Sand And Water". I bought it almost a year after Faith died and have found the songs to be very healing.)

I can almost feel you smiling
From beyond those silver skies
As you watch me finding my way
Here without you in my life

Chorus:
No one knows but you
How I feel inside
No one knows
No one knows but you

I've come so close to believing
All the echoes in the wind
Brushing my hair off my shoulders
I feel you there once again

Chorus

And if there is some magic
Some way around these stars
Some road that I can travel
To get to where you are
I'll cry this empty canyon
An ocean full of tears

And I won't stop believing
That your love is always near

Chorus

2003-06-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

My Son, The Smart-Ass

The bat is still lying in the front yard. I'll probably bring it in before I go back to work. At least it ended the fighting last night.

And the phone is back in one piece.

After I threw it at the wall (being fed up of my ex-husband spoon feeding me his religion) Tom went over to it and studied it for a minute or two.

Then he took it over to the kitchen table and fixed it while Winter watched him!

He brought it back to me and said "It's a good thing I'm good at electronics, like Papa and Mark."

Little smart ass! LOL

2003-06-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

Before I Go To Bed I Must Explode

I like to think I am a good mother. Even though I will let my children drink soda and I don't put them to bed at 9pm during the summer. And yes, *gasp* sometimes I play my Eminem CD when Winter is in the room.

But I bend over backwards for my kids--always putting thier interest and happiness before mine. So, you would think that once in awhile they might show me some appreciation. I haven't been so lucky.

Today we trekked out to the theater in the rain, spent $20 and 10 minutes in line for popcorn to go see "Finding Nemo". It was a great movie and we had a great time. I make a home cooked meal for them and what thanks do I get?

*Tom throwing a DRY towel into the bath tub after I just told him not to get the floor all wet.

*Constant fighting for the past half hour over a baseball bat (which will soon be out in the street)

**There bat has been thrown out the front door****

and since my ex husband just called me and won't stop carrying on about how I should join the Catholic Church I threw the phone against the wall.

Wonderful! What a great night!

Now I can struggle to go to sleep with this pounding headache, wake up in a few hours and spend all goddamn day at Dr. Mahnke's office!

Yep! It sucks to be me!

2003-06-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

For The Wee One

I was thinking of this

Was torn between Flavia and Boyd's Bears for a Nursery theme, but I am leaning toward Flavia. Especially after reading this and crying like the hormonal woman that I am:

Front Caption: "It is the morning of your life and all your dreams are just beginning. May you touch the fireflies and stars, dance with fairies, and talk to the man in the moon. May you grow up with love and gracious hearts and people who care. Welcome to the world, little one, it's been waiting for you."

2003-06-06T19:31:00.000-05:00

The Amazing Pregnant Body!

Ok. I am 8 and a half weeks pregnant If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know I am pregnant. However, being hypersensitive to changes in my body, I can tell plenty of changes.

Naturally there are the typical symptoms of fatigue, frequent urination and queasiness. But what shocks me is the drastic changes in my figure. Ok, maybe I'm overly dramatic....the changes aren't "drastic" but enough to freak me out.

Let's start with my breasts. I was never flat chested to start out with. I have always been fairly blessed in that department, thank you very much. However, now they are much more fuller and extremely sensitive (which can be a VERY good thing). Mark and I have been discussing this for a couple weeks now but tonight it was really brought to attention. I was at my mom's house after work and I was standing in her bedroom doorway next to her fulll lenght mirror. Being the vain creature that I am, I looked over at myself. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! It looked like I had breast implants...or stuffed melons down my shirt. I said "Look at my boobs!!" Mom smirked and said "Yes, look at them!" *snicker* I really should go get a ~~ugly, sturdy~~ "good" bra. I am partial to my demi bra though.

Now, my belly. Ugh. Used to be, when I laid down, my belly would sink in...and my hip bones poked up. Now, when I lie down the belly does not sink in. Oh no. There's a nice little curve from my pubic bone up to the bottom of my belly button. So, while I still fit comfortably in the slim skirts and short tops...it just doesn't look the same. Soooo......I have to find LONGER shirts to go with the mini skirts. I have, like, two long shirts. I am too small for maternity clothes, so I'm stuck in this middle area for now. It's not so bad at home when I can wear shorts and a long T-shirt but Mahnke is so particular about the dress code: must wear nylons every day, no open toed shoes, no jeans, no denim at all, no sleeveless tops/dresses, etc, etc. I tore every damn thing out of my closet last night trying to find an outfit.

I am looking forward to, say, the fourth or fifth month...when it is obvious that I am pregnant and I can wear maternity clothes. Then I will show my belly with pride! For now I am just grateful that my breast command such attention and distract from my belly.

2003-06-05T19:56:00.000-05:00

Inspiring Quote

I found this on the SARK message board tonight and it really grabbed me:

"We are like children building a sand castle. We embellish it with beautiful shells, bits of drifwood, and pieces of colored glass. This castle is ours, off-limits to others. We're willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it. Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve into the sea."

2003-06-04T22:21:00.000-05:00

More news about my cousin and her tragedy.

2003-06-03T12:55:00.000-05:00

Feeling grouchy today

but am too busy to change my Imood.

I heard some interesting news at Dr. Mahnke's today. A friend of his family is graduating chiropractic school in Kansas City. Doc offered him the opportunity to come and open up his own practice within Mahnke's office. The new guy would pay doc a flat rate and Doc would just keep paying Brenda and I.

I am distressed at this. I am certain we will have to work on Thursdays now, instead of just coming in for half a day and cleaning. We might also have to work on Saturdays. I say "Hell no". That is why I left Wal*Mart. I didn't want to work weekends anymore. So, if that happens, I will leave. I will find another job. I am not going to work weekends. Especially when I have a new baby. No way. I spend enough time there as it is. Also, this guy will simply have to hire a third person....to do his therapies. There is no way I can do therapies for two doctors. And what if the woman he hires is bitchy? Grrrr

Then at 10am all hell broke loose:

1. 7 scheduled patients came in at one time

2. All 7 of them got therapy of some sort

3. 2 patients walked in with no appointment and wanted to be seen.

4. Brenda couldn't find one of the walk-in's folders and accused me of mis-filing it. Turns out Dr. Mahnke had it the whole time.

5. One patient spent the whole time telling me how much she enjoys staying home with her kids and all the horrors her kids endured at Day Care when she worked. Thanks for the guilt trip. I would kill to be able to take my kids to baseball, music lessons, swimming, spend all day baking cookies, etc. *Snort* some of us just aren't so blessed, I guess.

Damn, I am mad.

I have to go to Hell*Mart tonight to get groceries, drop off my 30 day notice at my landlord's. And I have to work until 6pm.

I give up.

2003-06-02T12:30:00.000-05:00

My cat is going into the cardboard compactor at Wal*Mart.

I have had this animal for 14 years. He knows me. He knows my schedule. And he knows my temper.

So why then, did he insist on waking me up at 5:30 this morning? I could have gotten another half hour of good sleep in.

I tried throwing a bottle of lotion at him but he still wouldn't shut up. So I had to get up and give him some water. As if it would have killed him to wait 30 minutes.

At best, he can hope I will just kick him out on the street. At worst, he will take a ride in the cardboard compactor.

Besides all that, Mark and I got engaged on Saturday. He proposed to me at Red Lobster (closest thing we can get to Maine here) after we had bought the rings. It was very sweet and touching. It showed me that he really does love me as much as I love him. =-)

Charlie from The Next Millenium will be performing our handfasting. I did not know Charlie was a minister but when we told him of our problem--where to have a wedding, who would perform a handfasting--he said he has a minister's license just for that reason. We will have to get the marriage license at the courthouse here in Fremont and take it with us to the ceremony. I know our marriage will be a great one with Charlie's blessing upon it.

The date is set, the house is empty, the baby is growing good....everything seems to be falling right into place.

I am so excited. Never before have I been more certain that this is where I was meant to be.

On a sad note, I recieved some horrible news yesterday about my cousin.

Laura is 37 years old and had two girls, Ruby and Haley. Her and her husband had just bought an older, used RV for camping. They had set up camp at some nearby lakes. Her husband stayed there while she went to pick the kids up from their last day of school.

On the way back to the lakes the RV caught fire due to some electrical malfunction. Laura pulled over into a field and tried to get her seat belt loose but it wouldn't budge. She had to allow it to burn off. Then she went to open the door to get the kids out and she was knocked back by the heat blast--burning her head, face and arms. Her two children died. As did two of their cousins. Laura and three other family members are in the hospital in critical condition.

I am just still in shock over this news. I keep saying "her children are dead." I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been...and all the pain that lies ahead of her.

2003-05-30T12:11:00.000-05:00

Now I remember why I don't watch TV

I was flipping through the channels during my lunch hour today and happened to come upon Court TV. That is bad news in itself.

They were showing a case where a two year old little girl died at a day care.

The "teachers" had forgotten she was in the van...they didn't do a headcount like they are supposed to do. So, this little girl was locked in the van where temperatures reached 140 degrees. She was in there for three hours.

They didn't even know she was missing until her mom came to pick her up!!! I try to put myself in that mother's place and it makes me sick in my stomach.

This just strengthens my resolve to find someone to come into OUR house when I go back to work after the baby is born. Hopefully I will be able to find someone at a reasonable rate that I can trust not to hurt or neglect the baby or go through my stuff.

2003-05-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

Been meaning to say this for awhile now:

Hot

2003-05-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

Last Night

was a bad night. The worst I have had since stopping my Klonopin. I was so restless. I couldn't sit down for more than two minutes at a time. And then when I did sit down I kept tapping my foot, or twirling my hair. And the headache! Dear God! I thought I was being stabbed through the top of my head.

I kept myself occupied with the kids....we played video games and looked through old photo albums...got them bathed and tucked in. Then I went on my bed and hugged my teddy bear...rocking back and forth with tears streaming down my face. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep despite being so tired. So I gave in. I took half a pill. HALF! Just HALF a pill.

I'm sorry...call me what you want. Think of me what you want. I simply cannot see how me being all strung out like that is ANY good for the baby. I am sure my blood pressure was through the roof. I know my heart was racing.

I also know that I fought hard. I have gone all this time without it. But it was just too much last night. So I took half a pill.

Within an hour (at the most) I felt NORMAL. Not "high" or "stoned" or anything like that. I just felt NORMAL again. I didn't feel like I had a fire under my skin. And guess what? I slept well. I slept straight through until 6 am. I haven't done for about a week.

So I figure I will take HALF a pill AS NEEDED. Not everyday or every other day, even. Just as I need it. Epileptic mothers take this drug (in a far higher dose than mine) and studies show the babies to be born just fine. Besides some doctors tell pregnant woman to keep SMOKING for God's sake because the stress of quitting would be worse for the baby.

So that is my decision.

Work so far has been good.

A patinet came in today and he gave me a corsage....a pink rose and a tiger lilly. It is gorgeous I have no clue what prompted him to do that.

Doc gave me one of those gel packs that you can put in the microwave for heat or in the freezer for cold. I thought that was nice of him.

2003-05-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

2003-05-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

Pregnancy = vivid dream life

I have been having mighty wierd dreams since I found out I am pregnant. All the hormones swirling around in my body must fall into my head when I lay down.

Last night I didn't sleep worth a damn. I think I was feeling a little bit of w/d from Klonopin. After about an hour and a half of tossing and turning I finally fell asleep.

And had a nightmare about this Freak Of Nature

First of all, let me say I don't own any of this freak's music and I don't like him at all. He is sick in so many different ways. But anyhow...

In the nightmare I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the house Mark and I just bought. I looked over my shoulder and saw The Freak coming up behind me. I took off running like a bat out of hell....ran in the house, up the stairs and shut myself in the closet.

Next thing I know he is in my bedroom..standing in the doorway..looking all sorts of creepy. I tried to scream but couldn't. I was paralyzed with fear. I prayed "Please God, let me wake up from this dream!" But I couldn't wake up. So then I told myself in the dream that this was my dream and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. So I decided I would turn The Freak into a spider and then I could step on him! So I tried, but it didn't work and he just laughed at me. (I find it very interesting how I KNEW I was dreaming and tried to control the dream. This is the first "lucid dream" I have had in awhile).

The next thing I know he is holding me hostage on the bed. He is lying next to me and just talking about his music and his life. I just laid there sick with fear thinking he would never leave or that he would kill me. I remember trying to talk to him and asking him if he was still seeing that Rose McGowen chick or whatever her name is.

I must have fallen asleep (in the dream) because when I woke up (in the dream) he was gone. Then I woke up in real life and my heart was racing and pounding so hard in my chest that it hurt.

I have no clue what brought that shit on. I hope he stays out of my nightmares from now on.

2003-05-25T21:08:00.000-05:00

It seems that I can continue my belly dance while I am pregnant. I'll just have to do my hip drops a bit more gently.

This site shows a belly dance video specifically for pregnant women and shows pictures of pregnant belly dancers who actually look like Goddesses to me.

I've gone 3 days without any Klonopin. So far I haven't noticed any ill effects. I chatted for two hours the other night with a man who was on 15-20mg of Klonopin a day (compared to my 1mg/day) He weaned himself off of it and is now pill free. His struggle was horrible. However he thinks I will be just fine as I was on such a low dose. That was comforting.

"Peanut" (as my mother calls The Wee One) seems to be doing just fine. My hormones are strong, that is for sure.

My boobs seem to grow with each passing day (as Mark can testify to) and there is an almost continuous feeling of queasiness. But I view these as good signs....strong hormones, good chance of the pregnancy carrying to term....and of course who am I to complain of bigger boobs?

Mark talks to the baby and I just love that. The baby listens to him very well.

He told the baby to make sure I slept well the other night (as I slept for shit the night before) and "tell mommy to be sure and turn the air conditioner on". I slept like a rock that night..with the air conditoner on. =-)

Today he told the baby that he loved it. And that means a lot to me. I want him to love the child as much as I do.

Speaking of children and Mothers, I found this poem on the Belly Dance site:

Prayer to the Divine Mother

Divine Mother,
Earth Mother!
In your image I am made,
a human vessel
filled with Life spirit.
I celebrate your infinite Creation:
I turn and dance in reverence
to the rhythms of the Universe,
music of the Cosmos,
giving form to your seed
that in me lives and grows
into a child of Love.
Oh Goddess of Beauty and Grace,
Queen of Peace!
In the abundance that you give may you be honored,
that we may not call forth our own destruction,
but spread your Glory
far and wide upon the earth.
Mother, I am your daughter,
of your pure spirit I am nourished.
With you in heart and mind, I create.
To you I surrender,
To you I surrender,
in the dance...
of Life,
Birth,
and Rebirth.

June 1993, Mirayah Delamar

2003-05-24T12:38:00.000-05:00

You are a Mermaid! You are shy around humans and
you don't let them see you often, you love the
colors blue and green. You are uncomfortable
around Humans, but you love the company of
other creatures. You love to swim, and you live
in huge palaces made of pearl and amber. You
also have an artistic touch, painting and
sketching what you see. You like every
Creature, to a degree.

(Pictures in results)What Mythical Being are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

The Blue Dinosaur

This came in my mail today and I found it so inspirational that I wanted to share it here.

I just love SARK

I have all her books and I feel they gave me a lot of the courage and spunk I needed to leave a bad relationship and start a life of my own.

And I am so glad I did because look where I am now:

--committed to a wonderful man

--having his child

--moving into a new house

--and working a respectable job

Anyway. Here is the Blue Dinosaur:

It had been a "difficult week." On this one particular day, I
just felt so angry and helpless. I'd heard of a friend's
death, another friend's diagnosis of illness, and was
feeling consumed by all there is to do and solve in the
world.

I sat there, surrounded by piles of things to do, feeling
pressured and helpless.

I did what we all do in such times. I got up and started
doing the laundry. As I stomped across the street,
dragging the heavy bags of laundry, I began to feel even
more upset. I flung my clothes into the machines,
slamming the lids and angrily noticing that I hadn't
brought enough quarters for my 5 loads.

For some reason, at that moment, I looked up.

There, at the top of the wall near the ceiling, balanced on
a pipe, was a stuffed Blue dinosaur.

I just gasped with delight. It seemed to me that within a ¼
second of seeing the blue dinosaur that all things were
possible. I knew that someone had climbed up and
placed this stuffed animal there, and that also thrilled me.
I then looked out the window and saw my darling
neighbor Jimmy, walking with his 2 little cartoon dogs,
Spot and Bella, and excitedly beckoned him inside to
see the Blue dinosaur. I told him about my bad day/week
and we shared experiences of coping with loss and
change, and of the basic utter helpless feelings that
sometimes envelop us.

I came back later to get my clothes out of the washing
machines, and saw on top of each machine, a potted
flowering plant! Again, I felt amazed. Jimmy had put
these flowers on top of each machine. It reminded me of
goodness and delight and of how indelibly connected we
all are.

When I came back later to get my clothes out of the
dryers, the gentleman who cleans and maintains the
laundromat was there. He exclaimed about the flowers,
and I asked him about the Blue dinosaur. He said,
smiling,

"I put that up there in case it could cheer someone up."

I explained how MUCH it had cheered me, and how it had
led to the flowers and a deep conversation. I then
handed him one of the flowering plants,

"Here, this one's for you."

He had tears in his eyes and said,

"I've never had a plant before. How do I take care of it?"

We talked about not over watering, and he walked off
with his little red flower in a pot.

I send you these hope-full surprises

Love, SARK
(Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy)

THINGS TO TRY

~~> Lie down immediately. Most of us are overworked
and overtired. Everything seems a little lighter from a
horizontal position. Then call me on the Inspiration Line
415-546-3742

~~> Surrender INTO the pain. We often try to escape or
avoid pain, which really only leads to more pain. See if
you can open to the pain just a tiny bit, and breathe.
Then, it is possible to make a shift.

~~> Explore (and perhaps alter) your Attitude. How we
experience ourselves and life is directly related to our
attitude. Take a look at your attitude by writing or
expressing what you're thinking about. Remember that
attitude shifts can occur VERY quickly.

MAY WE ALL
~~> Remember that we are all divine beings, placed
here for exquisite purposes we may not completely
understand

~~> Remind ourselves and others of this fact

~~> Review our attitudes frequently and do the work
necessary for healing and change

I SEND YOU
A surprise of angels, playing Chopin in a sunny forest
glade. You are lying on a soft blanket, listening and
smiling as babies play nearby. You soak in this Utopian
scene, and feel utterly and deeply relaxed and loved.
When you leave the forest glade, you feel a surge of
energy and power to go and assist where you are
needed. Because you are filled up from the inside, you
are able to go outside, with that much more wisdom and
love.

2003-05-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

The First Craving Has Hit

and it would seem that The Wee One wants a bannana split.

I have been mildly craving one for the past couple of days but tonight the craving has hit hard core.

I could call Mark and ask him to bring me one but he would probably just tell me how unhealthy it is or tell me to have Tommy walk up to Dairy Queen.

Actually it isn't that unhealthy. Potassium in the bannanas....calcium in the ice cream....

I love my easy Thursdays. I got the inside of my car cleaned out which should make Mark happy.

Tom was a big help to me, too. He helped me clean it (not that it was so messy, just a few empty water bottles and the dashboard needed dusting) and when I lost one of my keys he found it for me.

Tomorrow will be easy too....only work until 11:30 and then I have Monday off, too! YAY!!

2003-05-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

Come As You Are

Had a wired dream about Nirvana last night.

2003-05-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

More Suckage

Here are some things that suck, in addtion to Blogger:

1. my head hurting

2. working until 6pm

3. bitchy doctor who admits he is bitchy and needs a vacation

4. The stupid ads on top of my BLOG advertising SSRI's and Xanax

Things that DO NOT suck:

1. I am having Mark's baby!! I am still overwhelmed by that!

2. This is our new house!!!!!! My baby did it!!

3. A patient killed a spider in the thearpy room for me. He also taught me how to say "spider" in Spanish. Just in case I am in Mexico and encounter a HUGE BASTARD of a spider I can cry for help. Then he said "No more be afraid now."

4. I slept good last night.

5. Easy days on Thursday and Friday. No work Monday!

2003-05-21T12:12:00.000-05:00

Blogger sucks.

2003-05-19T11:31:00.000-05:00

I'm playing hooky from work today.

I woke up feeling sick (nothing new there) and just really tired. I fought myself to go. I got dressed and even did my hair. But I could just not bring myself to go in. I just wanted to crawl back in bed.

So I gave in. I called Brenda and told her I wouldn't be in. All she said was that she would tell the Doc.

This is only the second day I have missed since I started there and if they don't like it they can kiss my ass. (There's those hormones speaking again).

Then I called my folks to let them know I wouldn't be bringing Tom over because I wasn't going to work.

Dad goes "Morning sickness?" I said "Yep"

Then my brother gets on the phone (he is 46 years old and drives a truck, so he is in town for the next few days). Anyway, he gets on the phone and starts making all these puking noises and saying "Mmm...oysters sound good! How about some spaghetti and eggs? Or even better! Chocolate covered oysters!"

I started groaning at him and he laughed. He goes "That's what you get for taking him (Mark) seriously when he was just trying to poke fun."

I had to laugh at that one.

Thanks be to all that is holy my sister came over and helped me finish up the laundry and clean the kids' room. Winter cried when she left, so Dawn took her home with her. WOO HOO Lucky for me.

Mark and I are going to look at houses tonight. I am curious to see how they look on the inside. I am anxious to get out of this tiny house and live like a family.

I am so hormonal. The littlest things make me cry. Then once in awhile the hormone fog will lift and I look back on what I was crying about and either wonder what the big deal was or laugh at myself. Today I choose to laugh at myself.

Last night I was reading "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" as it has been a good 4 years since I have been pregnant and I need a refresher course.

Anyhow I was at the chapter that deals with being in the hospital....what to take, what to wear, be sure and do your hair because lots of pictures will be taken.

So then I started thinking about Mark holding the baby. And what a cute picture that would be.

So cute that I just had to cry.

I crack myself up!

Hormone thinking: "Oh, that will be so cute! Mark holding our little baby! I can't wait to see him, the love of my life, with our child. He is so strong but will be so gentle with the baby".

Hahahahahahahaha.....what a nice fuzzy romantic dream!

In real life I'll probably have to BEG him to hold the child let alone get his picture taken. He'll be so busy making sure he isn't seeing anything gross (i.e C-section scar, baby's diaper, etc) that he probably won't spend much time in the room. Hopefully I am wrong on this one.

I have to give my ex credit, he was really good during the pregnancies and deliveries. He even slept in the recliner at the hospital. That was the ONLY time I could that man to take off work.

I don't seem to notice any withdrawls from the Klonopin, yet. I pray that I will not have any. This is the week that I start going half a pill every other day. I do that for four days and then no more pills. Mama mia.

2003-05-17T11:48:00.000-05:00

Just About Six Weeks Along Now

So far, so good.

I'm taking my vitamins, eating healthy foods (instead of not eating all day except a handful of hot tamale candies and a bottle of water) and trying to get as much rest as I can.

I woke up in the night from my boobs hurting so bad. That's saying something! LOL

Mark is very protective of The Wee One and I. He will be a great dad. Hell, I can see how he is with his daughter now, I know he will be just as good a daddy to the Wee One.

I love it when he rubs my tummy (even though I'm not showing). It's like he's connecting with the Wee One inside.

I am feeling somewhat better about the Klonopin/Panic Attacks/etc.

Last night Mark and I went The Next Milleniumso I could have a reading done with Charlie the store owner.

I signed in and started looking around at things while I awaited my turn. A lady named Joan came up to me and asked if she could help me with anything. I told her that I was wondering if Valerian root was safe to take during pregnancy (my thinking was if I couldn't take Klonopin perhaps Valerian would be a good alternative).

So, we went over to the herbal section and looked through some books. While she couldn't find anything that said it wasn't safe there was nothing saying that is was safe. So she asked me if I was having problems in the pregnancy. I told her my tale of woe: that I have panic disorder and my doc is weaning me off my medication, blah blah blah.

Well, the Goddess must have placed her and I in the right place at the right time because she told me she knew EXACTLY what I was going through because she had horrible panic attacks that left her housebound at times for four years. She knows all about it. How you fully believe you are going to die when you have a panic attack...the trips to the ER only to find out it's anxiety...how the fear feeds itself, etc. We talked for a long, long time.

She told me of some tools she used when she battled her anxiety. She uses an affirmation (or mantra) that she says over and over when she feels the beginning of an attack "I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life. I am safe." She also uses meditation and breathing techniques. For example she told me when I start feeling symptoms of panic to place my hand under my rib cage and feel it rising and falling. Take a breath in and on the exhale say "Relax"...... Just listening to her tell me that made me feel all relaxed and at ease. She also suggested taking Vitamin B and 5 Flower Essence. She gave me a pamphlet on the flower Essence and I am going to show it to Dr. Sellon and see if it is ok for me to take.

Then Charlie called me over for my reading. Her and Mark continued talking while I had my reading.

My reading was unreal.

He asked if I had any specific questions or did I just want a general reading. I told him I was pregnant, suffering from panic disorder and being weaned of the meds for it. I asked him if he could tell me what the cards had to say about that.

So he laid some out and knowing a bit about the tarot myself I had to laugh. It was all about feeling confused, and stuck, etc. He said that I am not being given all the information. That the doctor told me WHAT to do, but he didn't explain WHY or offer me any other alternatives. Therefore I was feeling very confused and torn up. Which is so true! He looked at me and said "That's why you didn't sleep last night. You were too busy scaring yourself to death." Hello! Exactly! I was up all night the other night crying and posting here about my fear of coming off the meds, crying on the phone to my mom. He told me that Mark and I have to go in and talk to the doctor together. Ask him to explain ALL the alternatives: if I do this what happens? If I don't do this then what? And if I don't get the answers I want to then find another doctor. I told him Monty has been my doctor since I was 17. He said "That's the problem. He still sees you as a giggly 17 year old girl." Good point.

Then he laid out some more cards and he just grinned real big. He said "There is a definite MASCULINE energy around this little one." I smiled and said "It's a boy??!!" (Tammy!!) And he said "Well, I can't that with 100% certainty...it could be a strong willed girl who will be more of a tom boy, but it is a masculine energy." And then the last card was the Ten of Cups I started laughing again. I said "Wow!" He said "You couldn't ask for a better card! This card, in fact this whole reading, shows me that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE. You just need to stop worrying. You are scaring yourself and nobody needs that. There is nothing in this reading that gives me a bad feeling at all. It's going to be great!" So I shook his hand and thanked him for the reading, told him that it made me feel so much better.

Then I hopped back over to Mark and Joan. Joan had suggested a book for me to get called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Lousie L. Hay. Mark had looked at it and he thought it would be very helpeful for me. So I went to the register to pay for the book and the reading.

Turns out their Friday special was a free box of Nag Champa incense with any purchase. Woo hoo! I ADORE nag champa.

I thanked Joan for helping me so much and that is was such a blessing to hear from someone who had experienced it that I can make it. She said it was her pleasure to help me and that I will be fine.

She then said "There is somethig I want to show you" and she took me over to where they keep all their stones. She handed me this purple stone with white flecks in it. I can't remember what she called it...it starts with an "L". Anyway it has bits of lithium in it and it has a very calming vibration. So she said "I want you to have this. I will pay for it." And then she gave me a black tourmaline (or something like that--I am horrible with stone names) that is going to repell my negative thoughts. I said "Bless you!"

And then she said "Now I am going to come over and hug you." *huge grin* So I hugged her back and thanked her so much for everything. She again reassured me that I would be fine, that she could tell I wanted to conquer this and that I deserved my freedom. She told me to stop in again...even if it is just to hang out.

Goddess bless her. I felt a MILLION times better! I left that store feeling self confident and knowing that I can battle this. I am stronger than I know.

Then Mark and I went to dinner at Carlos O'Kelly's. I had never been there before but it was good. We sat next to each other at the table instead of across from each other. That was nice.

He made jokes how he thinks when Dr. Mahnke adjusted me for my menstrual cramps that it did something to make me super fertile. LOL. And there could be some truth in that. Chiropractic is fantastic and can help in so many ways.

So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Mark has been more talkative about the baby and the pregnancy than he was the other day. He apologized for being the way he was on the phone the other night (when he likened me to a drug addict because of the Klonopin and my fear of coming off it). He said he was just being protective of the baby and of me. And that he phrased it wrong (oh boy did he ever) he said I was "depenedant" upon it, not "addicted" to it. And I have to agree. It is my security blanket. But you know what? I am sick of it. I want to be free again. I want to live life without some pill managing my fears.

If I stand up to my fears they will fly away.

2003-05-16T12:33:00.000-05:00

Thanks

to all of you who were so supportive to me last night (via posts in my BLOG, emails, etc). What would I do without you?

I cry out in the night and magically my friends appear and offer support. What a beautiful thing.

My folks were wonderful last night, too.

After I made my post I was hysterical with crying. (Hormones contribute greatly to that, I am sure) I was scared of being weaned off the medicine, frustrated with my doctor and just looking for someone to tell me "You are going to be ok. It's alright, I am here for you and you won't have to do this alone."

So, I called my mom. She told me she understood my fears and just to take it one day at a time. That I still have four days with my 1/2 pill and then another four days with 1/2 pills every other day. So I shouldn't think that far ahead worrying about it. Just focus on one day at a time. She also said that she knows how strong I am, how well I know my body and that I obvioulsy need this medication because during my other pregnancies I wouldn't even take so much as a Tylenol. She also suggested talking to Sellon again if the withdrawl was too bad.

She told me the baby would be fine and I would be fine. That Faith would not let anything happen to me or her brother and/or sister.

So I finally calmed down. Took my half a pill and went to bed.

On to other things....

Tommy really enjoyed the lunar eclipse last night. Winter, him and I looked at it three or four times. It was cool.

Winter gasped and goes "Look at Luna!!!!" It was so cute.

Now Tom is very interested in eclipses and is having PaPa help him learn more about them.

Well, it's back to work I go.

Thank the Goddess for my prenatal vitamin. It seems to be giving me a bit more energy.

2003-05-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

I'm So Scared

and I have nowhere to turn but here.

I am absolutely terrified of being weaned off my Klonopin. I read so many different things I don't know what to think.

Dr. Sellon's plan is to have me completely off the Klonopin in 8 days. Most things I have read indicate taking a least a month to get weaned.

Then I read these stories from other people who have taken Klonopin for many years and are being weaned....

-they have muscle stiffness

--they have headaches

--the have re-bound anxiety (probably increased by the stress of withdrawl)

And as far as the baby goes, the verdict is out on that.

Some say there is a 0.7% increase in cleft palate in the fetus exposed to Klonopin

Others say there is NO EVIDENCE of any fetal defects or distress.

I am thinking ALL THIS has to be more stressful to the baby than a trace amount of Klonopin coming through.

Epilieptic mothers take Klonopin. Their babies are fine.

I am just in tears. I don't know what to do.

I have no support.

I sound like a fucking drug addict.

Oh God, what am I going to do???

2003-05-15T16:27:00.000-05:00

I'm all "official" now

Mark and I went to the doctor's office today to have the pregnancy confirmed.

It seemed to take FOREVER to get the results back.

Finally the nurse walked us back to Dr. Sellon's office and she told us he would be with us in a minute.

We kind of looked at each other like "isn't she going to tell us?" And then she popped her head back in and said "It looks like you guys will be having a baby."

I smiled and thanked her. I think Mark smiled.

After about 80 years Dr. Sellon came in and acted like he was playing the drums (as in "drumroll") and I smiled at him (seems like I was the one doing all the smiling) and he (Monty) grinned back at me and said "Did they tell you the results?" And I said "yep!"

It was sort of anti-climatic. No "Congratulations!" (although he said that on the phone to me the other day) no hugs and tears. Just everything matter of fact.

I asked him about my Klonopin and he said I really should stop taking it because the baby could be born addicted to it. So....I have to taper off. I take 1mg once a day (which is a very low dose) and he is now cutting me to .5 mg every day for 4 days, then .5mg every OTHER day for 4 days. By then I should be clear. He gave me a perscription for Paxil (which is supposed to be safer during pregnancy) but I DO NOT want to take that. I don't like those SSRI meds like Paxil, Zoloft, etc. The side effects terrify me. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that the withdrawl from Klonopin will be uneventful and I won't have to take anything else. Because I refuse to take any of the aforementioned drugs.

I also asked him about the scarring from my previous C-sections and he said that it wasn't anything to worry about at all. He said that it might take a little bit longer but that I would be ok. I asked him about uterine rupture and he said that is not a concern because they won't let me go into labor. If I start having labor they will just do the C-section right away.

Anyway, as I suspected, the due date is Janunary 13 and I am 5 1/2 weeks along. A very, very wee one.

I also got my vitamins and I go back on June 26 for the OB profile.

After the doctor visit Mark and I went to Hell*Mart and got my perscription (for the vitamins) filled.

I ran into my old deptartment manager, Stella (or as some of my readers may remember her, "Stella The Cunt"). She put her arm around me and said how much she missed me but she was happy for me. I thanked her and of course rubbed it in how I worked at a doctor's office and didn't have to work any weekends. She said they still have not replaced me (how could they, I am irreplacable, LOL). I guess one girl came in and only worked one day and left. LOL. She also told me how good I looked. I thanked her and told her the good news about the baby and Mark and I buying a house. When I told her I was pregnant she goes "Are you happy about it?" WTF??

Gee, let me see....I am carrying the child of the love of my life...but am I happy? What do you think, Barney??!!!

I told her of course I was. (And as Mark pointed out later would someone really answer that question with "No, I am not happy.")

I don't know. I think there is something wrong with me.

Mark is very excited and happy about the house (as am I--can't wait to get out of here and wake up to my beloved every morning) but I am more excited about the baby.

Does that mean he doesn't care about the baby? Whenever I mention something about it (i.e. birth, baptism, etc) he says "Well we have a long time to go before we get there." Or "We have awhile to think about that". So I guess I am just overeager. I haven't even DARED to ask him about what kind of names he would like.

It's like I feel I am the only one thinking about the future with the baby. I guess he is just more into the nuts and bolts (pardon the unintended pun) of things.

Or am I just hormonal?

2003-05-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

Mermaid and Baby

Work was work. I like my job but damn I hate working. Especially when I wake up sick and exhausted to the bone.

I was so tired I wanted to cry.

I am thinking of getting part time hours as the pregnancy progresses (provided all goes well). I can't imagine working nearly 12 hours a day when I am 7 months pregnant.

Mark and I will be looking at houses on Monday. I am excited about that.

But, truth be told, all I can think of is The Wee One.

Does that make me bad?

5 Blessings:

1. a loving and supportive family

2. loving and supportive friends

3. Mark

4. The Wee One

5. pizza for dinner tonight

2003-05-13T12:51:00.000-05:00

Since Mark posted on his BLOG

I might as well do so on mine.

I have been holding out on y'all.

I found out Friday afternoon that I am pregnant. OMG!!!

I was in complete and utter shock that afternoon as this was not something I was actively TRYING to do. I was just a little late so I got the test so I could just rule that possibility out completely.

I watched the little test do it's thing....ok, one line. So far so good. I must have done the test right.

So I go back to the kitchen to cook something for lunch then saunter back to the restroom to check the test.

TWO LINES.

I looked at it a million times...looked at the stick, then back to the illustrations. I even blinked my eyes a few times certain that I was reading it wrong.

When it finally sunk in I put my hand over my mouth and started moaning. I was so scared!!!

I cried the rest of my lucnh hour....so afraid that Mark would leave me if he found out. But, I had a conversation with my sister. She goes "Does he love you?"

I said "Yes".

She said "Then he will be there for you."

And he is.

When I told him Friday he had me take two more tests to confirm it. LOL, they both showed the same result.

At first he was very nervous. And upset that he wasn't the first to know (which I can understand)

Now he has had time for it to all sink in and we have made plans.

We are going to get a house and move in together within a month or so. And he is going to be right by my side.

This weekend he took me to Hell*Mart and helped me get some healthy foods. It was so cute watching him explain to me which foods were the better options...what to avoid, etc. Then when we were putting the groceries away he said that even though he was nervous he loved me more than anything on this Earth and that he loves the baby just as much as he loves me. He said that anything that came to being from our love has to be a gift from heaven.

Being the bag of hormones that I am, I started crying because that was so sweet.

I am worried....worried about staying in shape during the pregnancy, worried for the health of the baby (since I lost Faith almost six years ago), worried about telling my boss.....

But I am also happy and excited.

Everytime I think that this wee one inside me is there because of the love Mark and I share...I start to tingle. Our lovemaking brought this child into being. How miraculous is that?

I say we are both very lucky.

Estimated Due Date.....Jaunuary 13, 2004.

I see Dr. Sellon tomorrow.

2003-05-11T20:43:00.000-05:00

You are the Wicked Witch! You enjoy being the
centre of attention and like causing havoc. But
you do have a source of innate goodness and
because of which people are always willing to
help you

Which witch are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-10T09:07:00.000-05:00

Now is the time to return to Gratitude

Scary new things are happening in my life. But I know with the help of good friends and loved ones everything will be fine. I feel the Mother with me.

Here is a nice prayer I found:

Divine Mother, you have clothed all of creation in the robes of spring. Even in the city there are trees in bloom, flowers budding and the sweet fragrance of blossoms blowing in the breeze. Today I will practice gratitude. Whenever I see something of beauty I will stop and admire it. "Good work, Divine Mother."

Share A Prayer!
http://goddessschool.com/lovedones.html

My Gratitudes:

1. I made it through the afternoon at work

2. I got to sleep in a little today

3. Junior Bones, baby!!!

4. My beloved Mark

5. My many good friends

2003-05-08T15:10:00.000-05:00

Spoke Too Soon

Yesterday I was just giving thanks that my PMS was not so bad, that I was actually feeling pretty good.

Then last night *BAM* it hit me like a Mack Truck full of Playtex Tampons.

I am moody....

Everyone is pissing me off (even Mark and especially the Doc)

Mark must have pulled out the "How to Handle PMS for Dummies" book because he just answers everything I say with "Yes, Dear."

Last night he called me a "growly bear". Now I am "Dear." *Shrugs* I've been called worse.

Should have heard the names I had for the Doc today.

If I could stop snacking for two mintues that would be nice.

Could my breasts be a little more tender, please?

You know, I used to think Menstrual Huts were just another way for men to be cruel to women...segregate them while they are menstruating because they are "unclean"....now I see that it would be a good idea! The women probably loved it. Go away from everyone and hide in a hut until the storm passes. Cool. Excpet I would need a PRE menstrual hut.

How would one decorate the inside of a PMS hut??

2003-05-07T23:53:00.000-05:00

An Email Sent to Me

from my dad. I'm sure it will be making the rounds now that Mother's Day is coming up but I thought I would put it in here anyway. I like it and I was moved by it.

My Dad lost his mother about 12 years ago. She passed away while he was out of state...he was on vacation in Virginia with my mom and I and when family back home finally reached him, it was too late. She had already passed.

My dad is a prince among men...he is the most open, loving, and generous man I know. He always puts others before himself. Yet while he has this gentle side, he has always been the provider. If there ever was a problem he would solve it. Such a rare combination.

So, watching him when he got the news that his mother died was heartbreaking. I remember him moaning...no words, just moaning. And how he sat on the couch with his head back, hands over his eyes....That was the first time I had ever seen him like that and I never saw him like that again until my daughter Faith died. I remember feeling so helpless...that was my daddy and he always took my hurt away so I wanted to help him. But there was nothing I could do.

Anyway, this is what he sent me and I wanted to put it in here.

I always thought that I'd remember. I promised that I would.

I try.

When I walk through department stores I pause by the perfume counter to
stir up the memories. It doesn't work. Maybe that's because the
perfume she wore couldn't possibly be bottled and sold.
It was a mix of lavender, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter Easter
eggs, French toast, oatmeal, fresh brewed tea, and the scent only a mom
could
have.

All I have are pictures now.

She's seated at the kitchen table reaching for a slice of birthday cake
she baked just for me. But the photo does little for me because her
image is still. My mom could never be still.

She was love at its finest.
Love is animated and always in motion. My mother's love surrounded
me, cuddled me, nursed me, loved me when it seemed no one else did and
her love's energy kept me going even in the darkest times of my life.
Another picture hangs on the wall just inside our home. It is of the
two of us during happy times amoung the Iriush's.
I had forgotten how small she was. I seem to tower above her while
she's clinging to my left arm, smiling for the camera.

But she's still, motionless...lifeless. I want desperately to see
her moving again. I want to remember where we went right after that
photo was taken. I want to see her turn and walk with me, perhaps down
to see the famous "Sunset" or share a piece of fudge.

I want to turn around right now and see her standing next to me so we
can reminisce together.
Seeing her gives me comfort. But not so much in photographs.
Page after page in our family album I see her smiling, laughing,
becoming so much a part of who I am today. It is not enough for
me to look in a mirror, although seeing my image reminds me that
because I live, she does, too.
I long to touch her hand, kiss her cheek, hear her laugh, walk with her
once more. Her stillness in the pictures only reminds she is gone.

If ever I needed her by my side, it would be today, right now. For I
am longing for her..."Still."

2003-05-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

One other thing....

Mark has his very own Blog now. I am so proud of him.

Hereit is.

2003-05-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

I'd fill you all in on the details of my life but there isn't much to tell. I'm afraid it would be terribly boring (I can hear it now "It's ALWAYS been boring, Jen", hahahaha)

At the moment I don't have any major tragedies or dramas to tell (knock on wood)

Things are just the same as always: work, kids, Mark, sleep. Repeat.

I don't have a lot of time to spend on line as much of my day is spent working or with my loved ones. And this has cost me a friendship and perhaps put a strain on other cyber friends.

I'm sorry if it appears that I don't care...I do. I don't mean to come off seeming so selfish, but apparently I do.

But anyway, I must always give thanks to the Universe for the blessings I have:

1. I have a job when so many others are struggling to find one in this dreary economy.

2. I have a pretty good man in my life who is devoted to me.

3. My children are beautiful, healthy (knock on wood) and happy.

4. PMS isn't *too* bad this month.

5. Tomorrow is my "easy day" at work.

2003-05-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

May 6: *The Media Edition*
The Media Edition

1. TV or radio?
Radio

2. On the radio: talk or music station?
Music

3. Actual books or books-on-tape (or e-books)?
At least 200 books

4. Actual newspaper, or web version?
Web Version

5. Wall Street Journal or National Enquirer?
Neither, thank you

6. TV news...news channel such as CNN, or your local broadcast news?
Local news

7. A movie you've been looking forward to seeing gets bad reviews all around. See it anyway, or pass?
Oh hell yeah, I'll see it anyway.

8. See movies when they first come out, or wait a few weeks for the lines at the theater to get shorter?
It really depends on how badly I want to see the movie. If it is really important to me I will go right away otherwise I'll wait for the crowd to thin.

9. TV: cable, satellite dish, or just plain old antenna?
Digital Cable

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: If you had to choose only one form of media to come into your home, which would you choose...print (newspapers, magazines) or electronic (TV, internet)? Why?

Probably electronic because it is more interactive

2003-05-04T16:28:00.000-05:00

Facsinating

I found this on This Chick's Blog and thought it was very interesting.

This is one of my favorite songs (love the aucoustic version) but was never sure exactly what the meaning of the song was.

Brian Vander Ark on 'The Freshmen':

"warning!!! this explanation is what the song means to me, the song writer. i figure, the songs been out long enough, why perpetuate this mystery?
if you don't want to read the real story, if your happy with your own interpretations, then i suggest you don't read this.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG I KNEW EVERYTHING. we all think we know everything at a young age. i thought i did. i realise i didn't know sh*t until i was 36.
AND SHE, A PUNK, WHO RARELY TOOK ADVICE. how many people do we know like that? NOW I'M GUILT STRICKEN, SOBBING, WITH MY HEAD ON THE FLOOR. something happened, that caused this reaction, but i wouldn't want to give that away this early in the song, so let's through in an some ambiguity:
STOP A BABY'S BREATH, AND A SHOE FULL OF RICE, NO. first of all, forget the NO. stop a baby's breath is just that. abort the baby. a shoe full of rice is a result of a wedding. so--stop a baby's breath AND then you stop a wedding. she's pregnant, get her to abort, and then there's no wedding. and you know what? I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE, CAUSE SHE WAS TOUCHING HER FACE. when i wrote this song, the divinyls had a song out called i touch myself. the tv was on, she was touching her face in the video. very sexy. so, i can't be held responsible because she was trying to be sexy, trying to seduce me, etc. I WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE, SHE FELL IN LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. i didn't tell her to fall in love. FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT MADE US THINK THAT WE WERE WISE, AND WE'D NEVER COMPROMISE. what was i thinking back then. who am i to put a girl though that? why was i unable to compromise? guilty feelings. FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE'D EVER DIE FOR THESE SINS, WE WERE MERELY FRESHMEN. we were just kids. let it go. we all make mistakes, etc.

"Episode II: THE ACCOMPLICE
MY BEST FRIEND TOOK A WEEKS VACATION TO FORGET HER he needed to get away because of what happened. HIS GIRL TOOK A WEEK'S WORTH OF VALIUM AND SLEPT now--this is why this song is not that strong literally--it's confusing. HIS girl is MY girl. the same girl that had the abortion has now killed herself. NOW HE'S GUILT-STRICKEN SOBBING WITH HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR, THINKS ABOUT HER NOW AND HOW HE NEVER REALLY WEPT HE SAYS. he has the same guilty feelings that i do about the abortion and death.
WE TRIED TO WASH OUR HANDS OF ALL OF THIS, WE NEVER TALK OF OUR LACKING RELATIONSHIPS we rarely spoke after the incident--we just tried to forget it. we never spoke of her or the fact that we can't have a decent relationship with anyone since then. WE FELL THROUGH THE ICE WHEN WE TRIED NOT TO SLIP no matter how careful you might be, there are other perils out there.

there you go. i realise that there are always a few skeptics in the group, so i'll say this. the girl is real, the abortion is real. the death is not. it's poetic license--to make the story more interesting.

now then--the freshmen was written in 1991. 1 year before the verve pipe was born. i wrote it in a house on gull lake michigan. i had rented the movie "the Freshmen" with marlon brando and mathew broderick, and the case was just sitting there the next morning and i found myself staring at it. then i realised that we are all freshmen at some point in our life--why not write a song for all of us? the song has nothing to do with the movie--though i owe the filmmakers tremendously.

since the song is eleven years old--i'll make the commitment that every number one song i write i will post a detailed definition, line by line, eleven years after it is written." - Jan 11, 2001

2003-05-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

Whoa Dawg!

I figured I better get this up (snicker) before the big bad ass storms knocks my power out. It may be wise of me to unplug the computer before it gets fried.

I watched X-Men, X2 and the Matrix all this weekend with Mark. Wow, Sci-Fi weekend or what? I have to admit, I had never seen the Matrix before and I really enjoyed it. I may have to borrow Mark's DVD so that I can listen to the commentary.

Mark took me to look at a few houses (as my lease is up July 1). I'm excited, but scared.

We even managed to make love a time or two this weekend.

Ok, here you go:

Sunday, May 04, 2003
Twenty Questions - Sunday 4th May 2003 - Odds & Ends

1. What's the best birthday present you've ever had?
Either my Nightmare On Elm Street DVD collection or the amethyst necklace and earrings that were placed on a stuffed frog.

2. What do you eat for breakfast?
Depends on the day. Usually on weekdays I eat a fruit/oatmeal bar.

3. What's your favorite piece of jewellery?
My promise ring from Mark....White gold with a pearl

4. What's the best book you've ever read?
"The Stand" by Stephen King

5. Which gadget couldn't you do without?
My PC

6. Which website can you recommend to me?
The Sea Witch

7. Do you have any allergies?
penicillin

8. Are you left or right handed?
right

9. Do you have any piercings?
Heh, heh....a couple in each ear and an "erotic" piercing

10. What's your favorite painting/print?
"The Starry Night" by Van Gogh or "Miranda--The Tempest" by John Waterhouse

11. What was the last thing you ate?
crackers

12. Where in the world would you like to be right now?
The southern coast of Maine

13. Do you collect anything? If so, what?
lighthouses, frogs and mermaids

14. What type of books do you prefer reading ( e.g. romance )?
Horror

15. Do you have a daily newspaper? Which one?
nope

16. Do you use tissues or linen handkerchiefs?
tissues

17. What's your oldest possession?
my 14 year old cat, Valentino LOL

18. Do you use a fountain pen or a ballpoint pen?
ballpoint

19. Do you have any pets?
See question # 17

20. Do you have any phobias?
Dental phobia and aracnophobia

2003-05-04T15:17:00.000-05:00

It's Just The Way I Smile

"i think it's dark and it looks like rain" you said
"and the wind is blowing like it's the end of the world" you said
"and it's so cold it's like the cold if you were dead"
and then you smiled for a second.

"i think I'm old and I'm in pain" you said
"and it's all running out like it's the end of the world" you said
"and it's so cold it's like the cold if you were dead"
and then you smiled for a second

sometimes you make me feel like I'm living at the edge of the world
like I'm living at the edge of the world
"it's just the way I smile" you said

--"Plainsong", The Cure

Thanks to Robert Smith of The Cure for writing a song that suits me so well on this cold rainy day.

2003-05-02T12:17:00.000-05:00

First of all...

The Friday Five:

1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.

The Old School Devil Song called "The Shelter of Your Eyes" by Don Williams

2. Name two songs that always make you cry.

"My Immortal" by Evanescene
and "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

3. Name three songs that turn you on.

"My Neck, My Back" by Kia
"Come By Me" by Harry Conncik Jr.
"Voodoo" by Godsmack

4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.

"Video" by India Arie
"She Ain't Got The Boom Like I Do (808 Remix)" by Blacque and Destiny's Child
"A Long December" by Counting Crows
"Tonight and The Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon

5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.

"Rock Bottom" by Eminem
"Fur Elise" by Beethoven
Anything by Enya
"What'll I do?" by Nat King Cole
"Dancing Lessons" by Sinead O Connor

I got the book exchanged today at Hastings. I didn't have any problems what so ever. I felt sad while I was there, though. I saw a mother with her kid in the cart and she was just browsing through the books. It was nice and cool because they had the A/C pumped and Evanescence's "Hello" was playing softly over the speakers. I wanted to be that mother. Have the whole day to myself , with my kid, browsing through a bookstore at my leisure instead of running around like a mad woman during my lunch hour. Ugh, th wonders of PMS.

2003-05-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will:

1. Go to Hastings and exchange the book I bought for another one that I think will be more.....what should I say...productive. Heh heh...

2. Have a good day at work.

3. Look fantastic

5 Blessings:

1. Nice red fingernail and toenails
2. Got my outfit for tomorrow all picked out
3. Seeing my old co-workers at Wal*Mart
4. Getting the Cure song downloaded
5. It was my easy half day at work

2003-05-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

Useless, Boring Facts About Me Because I Am Self-Absorbed

1. To what organization do you feel the deepest loyalty? What ties you most to that group?

Since I am not much of a 'joiner", or a "group" kind of gal this is a difficult one to answer. I would have to say The American Heart Associaton because my daughter died of congential heart disease and heart problems are rampant in the Moore Family. I have participated in Heart Walks in memory of my daughter, and worked with the Governor of Nebraska to proclaim February 14 as Congenital Heart Disease Awareness Day.

2. Would you euthanize your healthy, happy pet for $50k? How about $1 million?

I would never do that! Besides the obvious fact that my cat is like a family member, the guilt would tear me apart.

3. Of all the US presidents during your lifetime, which one is/was your favorite?

*Ducking and Dodging Bullets* Bill Clinton

Here's some more useless trivia about me. Found the Quiz on Jen's Blog:

Have you ever...

1. Fallen for your best friend? No
2. Made out with just a friend? No
3. Been rejected? For a job, yes
4. Been in love? Yes and still am
5. Been in lust? Always
6. Used someone? Yes
7. Been used? Yes
8. Cheated on someone? Yes
9. Been cheated on? Yes
10. Done something you regret? yes

Who was the last person...
1. You touched? My daughter, Winter
2. You talked to? My daughter, Winter
3. You hugged? My son, Tommy
4. You instant messaged? Rae
5. You kissed? Mark
6. You yelled at? Brian
7. You laughed with? A patient at work

Have you/are you/do you...
1. Considered a life of crime? Yes--easy money
2. Considered being a hooker? I have contemplated the fortune I would make if I was a hooker but would never seriously do that.
3. Considered being a pimp? LOL, oh hell yeah! LOL!!
4. Are you psycho? Only once a month
5. Split personalities? see above
6. Schizophrenic? No, just paranoid LOL
7. Obsessive? maybe a little bit
8. Obsessive compulsive? no
9. Panic? Oh hell yeah
10. Anxiety? Yep. Thank Gods for Klonopin
11. Depressed? Nope. Only when I don't see my baby.
12. Suicidal? No. It is the ultimate act of selfishness
13. Obsessed with hate? Not anymore
14. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? Can't say I do
15. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? No, you sick bastard!
16. Understanding? most of the time
17. Open-minded: I'd like to think so
18. Arrogant: That is the last thing I would ever be
19. Insecure: that's my middle name!
20. Interesting: I think so
21. Hungry: No, thank you.
22. Friendly: Yes
23. Smart: On some things
24. Moody: ABSOLUTELY!
25. Childish: Depends on the situation
26. Independent: For the most part. But I like a man to spoil me.
27. Hard working: Yes
28. Organized: Most of the time (even though Mark doesn't believe it)
29. Healthy: yeah, except for my wisdom tooth needing to be pulled and my leaky heart valve.
30. Emotionally stable: Never *wicked laughter*
31. Shy: Depends on the situation
32. Difficult: Sometimes
33. Attractive: Amazingly many men find me attractive and I get lots of compliments
34. Bored easily: Yes
35. Thirsty: Yes
36. Responsible: nope.
37. Sad: Only a little. There will always be a sad part of me becuase of my daughter's death.
38. Happy: Almost always
39. Trusting: There are very few people I trust
40. Talkative: Depends on who I am talking to
41. Original: Hope so
42. Different: Yeah
43. Unique: One of a kind, baby!
44. Lonely: Sometimes
45. Colour your hair? Dark Brown
46. Have tattoos? Yes, just the shamrock on me breast
47. Piercings? Yes...heh heh...
48. Have a boyfriend? Yes. I am 31 years old and have a 40 year old "boyfriend". That is pathetic. There has got to be a better term.
49. Floss daily? No
50. Own a webcam? yes
51. Ever get off the damn computer? Only when I have to
52. Sprechen sie deutsche? Go away, Nazi!
53. Habla espanol? Where is the nearest Taco Bell?

Currents...
1. Current clothes: White Big Dogs "talk to the paw" T-Shirt and Eddie Bauer jeans
2. Current mood: worried
3. Current taste: Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi
4. Current hair: "fouffy"
5. Current annoyance: my dryer is so loud it could wake the dead
6. Current smell: Tommy Girl perfume
7. Current thing you ought to be doing: folding laundry
8. Current desktop picture: blue water
9. Current favourite group: Evanescence, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Counting Crows
10. Current book: "The Hungry Ocean" by Linda Greenlaw and "Ordinary Life" by Elizabeth Berg
11. Current DVD in player: Jeepers Creepers
12. Current refreshment: Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi
13. Current worry: Will I be able to afford to move in June?
14. Current crush: My baby, Mark.
15. Current favourite celebrity: Harry Connick Jr.

Favourites...
1. Food: Anything Italian
2. Drink: tequila sunrise or Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi or Cappucino
3. Color: blue, black or purple...kind of like a bruise
4. Shoes: my black boots that I rarely wear because the heel is so high
5. Candy: Junior Mints (aka Junior Bones)
6. TV Show: The Dead Zone
7. Movie: Practical Magic, City of Angels, Rumor of Angels
8. Dance: I looove to dance! Belly dance, or dancing at the club (which I haven't been to in a million years)
9. Vegetable: Green pepper
10. Fruit: oranges

On preferences...
1. Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? hot chocolate
3. Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? The friend -- sex doesn't last, but that connection will always be there--lucky me I found both!
4. Sweet or sour? sweet
5. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Diet Dr. Pepper
6. Sappy/action/comedy/horror? horror
7. Cats or dogs? cats
8. Ocean or pool? Ocean
9. Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? nacho cheese
10. Mud or Jell-O wrestling? Jell-o
11. With or without ice-cubes? Depends on the drink
12. Shine or rain? I actually don't mind the rain as long as my hair doesn't get messed up
13. Winter/Summer/Autumn/Spring? Autumn
14. Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate
15. Gloves or mittens? gloves
16. Eyes open or closed? Eyes open
17. Fly or breathe under water? breathe under water
18. Bunk-bed or waterbed? water bed
19. Chewing gum or hard candy? hard candy
20. Motor boat or sailboat? Sailboat
21. Lights on or off? off
22. Chicken or fish? fish

What's your favourite...
1. Number? 7 or 3
2. Holiday? Halloween, Or Samhain as my witchy friends know it.
3. Radio station? 89.7 The River
4. Place? New England
5. Flower? White Rose
6. Scent? The sea
7. If you could be anywhere, where would you be? Belfast or Portland Maine
8. What would you be doing? Walking along the pier, riding on a boat, hiking, visiting lighthouses...combing the beach..
9. What are you listening to? Dave Matthews Band "Crash"
10. Can you do anything freakish with your body? No
11. Do you have a favourite animal, no matter how lame it may be? Frogs

2003-04-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

The Space Between What's Wrong And Right Is Where You'll Find Me Waiting For You

Twenty Questions - Wednesday 30th April 2003 - Mixture

1. What's the toiletry product you wouldn't be without? toothpaste

2. Do you take vitamins? If so which ones? ~~yes, the ones with green tea extract~~ No

3. What do you do if you can't sleep? If Mark is anywhere around me, I'll get my "freak on". Otherwise I'll read or watch a DVD.

4. If you're ill, is there a 'comfort food' you like to have? Warm, salty fries always cure my sick tummy

5. Which childhood illnesses did you have ( e.g. measles )? Chicken pox when I was 5 and Mono when I was 15

6. Have you ever taken a sick day from work when you weren't ill? At least once a week when I worked at Hell*Mart

7. Have you ever broken a bone? Of my own? LOL No

8. Do you trust 'alternative' remedies? Yes, I do.

9. What career did you want to have when you were a child? Never wanted a career. I always just wanted to be a mom.

10. What religion are you? How much time do you have?

11. Is there a luxury item you'd like for your house? Like Tracy said, a spa bath...LOL

12. What's the latest computer program you bought? I haven't.

13. What's the last book you bought? "October Dreams" A collection of Halloween memories from Horror authors

14. What would be your ideal day out? walking for hours on the shore, getting my toes wet, combing the beach for treasures resting only for a picinic on the warm sand

15. Do you vote? If so, which party? Yes, Democrat

16. How many meals do you eat a day? 1 or 2

17. Which drink do you drink most often? Aquafina water

18. What sort of cola do you prefer ( e.g. Pepsi )? Wild Cherry Pepsi

19. When were you last ill? What with? Yesterday, with either mild food poisoning or a viral thing

20. Do you take any medication regularly? If so what? Klonopin whenever I can...heh heh

2003-04-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

Song In My Head....

"Round Here"
Counting Crows

Step out the front door like a ghost
into the fog where no one notices
the contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
the angels get a better view
of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
I walk in the air between the rain
through myself and back again
Where? I don't know
Maria says she's dying
through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

[Chorus]
Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
she said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
she parks her car outside of my house
takes her clothes off
says she's close to understanding Jesus
she knows she's just a little misunderstood
she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

[Chorus:]
Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping through my hands

Sleeping children better run like the wind
out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
out of the lightning
She says It's only in my head
She says Shhh I know it's only in my head
But the girl in car in the parking lot
says "Man you should try to take a shot
can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Then she looks up at the building
and says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
she must be tired of something

Round here she's always on my mind
Round here hey man got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late

2003-04-30T12:33:00.000-05:00

A Day Late....

But here they are and can I just say how ironic it is that this week's questions were about *comfort* and I was sick yesterday??

April 29: The *Take Comfort* Edition
Take Comfort...

Which is more comforting for you...

1. Lying down on the couch, or stretching out on a recliner? lying on the couch

2. Going barefoot or wearing soft slippers? Bare feet

3. Eating ice cream, or pizza? Normally I would say pizza, but after getting sick on pizza I'll say Ice cream

4. Watching on TV...a classic movie or a reality show? Classic movie. I am sick to death of reality shows.

5. Wearing: blue jeans or sweat pants? sweat pants

6. A long, soothing bubble bath or a quick, invigorating shower? long, hot bubble
bath

7. Furniture: leather, or something more on the fuzzy side? soft material

8. Soft, classical music, or upbeat rock & roll? relaxing, soft music

9. Darkness or light? Darkness

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You get married, or otherwise begin cohabitating with a significant other. S/he moves into your place, but brings with them the UGLIEST chair you have ever seen! You really don't want this thing in your home, but SO says it is the most comfy chair s/he has ever sat in, and no way will they part with it. Do you: grin and bear it, or scheme to get rid of the montrosity somehow? If it made my baby comfortable I would let him keep it.

At least my baby was with me all day yesterday. He took the day off work and drove me to my doctor's appointment (where they gave me a shot of phenegren to settle my stomach) and to get my perscription. The shot made me like a zombie. I was so touched that he just came over to take care of me. I didn't even have to ask him.

Now it's back to work again. Hopefully tonight I will be able to get to some BLOGS.

2003-04-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

The Mermaid is singing....

An Enya song right now.

Ah, yes, friends, Spring is in the air. Gotta love that Beltane magick.

I was with my baby tonight. We didn't do much of anything. He cooked dinner for me...and we frolicked about in his living room, and his bedroom. BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE BLACK (or in this case white) THONG!! The boy nearly wept from pleasure. I won't tell you what I have been known to scream at him during certain times...but you'd never expect it from the mouth of a mermaid.

One thing bothering me about the relationship with Mark and I....we have no song! How sad is that??? That is just *wrong*.

A patient brought me in a sprig of lilacs today. They are so pretty and smell so nice. Much better than the Doc's cigarettes. He wasn't laying the mack down or anything...just being nice.

Seems the spell I worked yesterday afternoon is working...despite the fact that my cat jumped on my altar last night and pulled the cloth off of it. He was like Houdini....pulled the cloth out but the candles, cauldron and statues remained in place. Weird.

Now I must go to bed. Alone. Ugh.

Someday I will have a man in bed with me every night. Hopefully it will be before I am 60 years old.

Will go do my Blog Surfing tomorrow. I have to give you guys some love.

5 Blessings:

1. Mark
2. Good sex
3. Good day at work
4. flowers from patient (finally! I get flowers)
5. I shall sleep well tonight

2003-04-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

Surprise, Surprise

Congratulations, you're Boston, the rebel city.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

2003-04-27T13:53:00.000-05:00

Wicked Cool

I have been a Godsmack fan for about a year now and this afternoon I finally saw the video for "Voodoo".

It is one of the best videos I have ever seen.

The video features Laurie Cabot the "official witch" of Salem (whom I met last year when I was back East) and the rest of Sully's witch family. Very, very impressive and artisitc.

Once again, Thanks to Tam for giving me a heads up about Godsmack being on MMUSA.

I also enjoyed hearing Sully's Boston accent when he talked about the making of the video. What a cutie.

But my hands are off him....he belongs to Tam. Heh heh.....

2003-04-27T12:36:00.000-05:00

To Corrupt a Joni Mitchell Song.......

"part of him pours out of me". *Wicked laughter*

Oh, I am so bad.

Outside of that I am one dry, dehydrated woman. I've been drinking water like crazy today.

I snuck in the office and got all the folders pulled for tomorrow. I shall sleep better tonight with that knowledge.

Other ideas in my head today:

I have been thinking about writing erotica. Not on here...but somewhere. I get the stories in my head and the words come easily to me...but I don't know where I'd post/publish them.

OK, OK, I will fess up. There are one or two devil music songs I like. In the past I have confessed to being a fan of Don Williams and his songs, but he is Old School Devil. I have heard a song or two at Doc's office that I do like. I don't know the names of them as I am not (and never will be) a big Devil Fan but maybe Tamila can help me out. One says something about "buy her a rose, call her from work, open the door for her what would it hurt?" I like that one because I am a lady like that. I like to be romanced... The other one was something about "she's afraid I'll see those five extra pounds but I think she is beautiful" or something like that. I like that one because all the women I know are very insecure about themselves (except for Tam's troll...she thinks she is "the shit"). and it is sweet to hear a man singing words like that to his woman.

There. Now y'all can mock me for liking a Devil song or two.

2003-04-27T00:39:00.000-05:00

YAY!!

The weekend wasn't a total loss after all.

Winter and I did some shopping after Tom went to my mom's house (to help her plant rose bushes). I got a couple new pairs of shoes and I got The Girl an outfit and a pair of sandals. She was very good in the store and thoroughly enjoyed the shoe department. She truly is her mother's daughter.

Mark came over this evening. I guess he finally got done with his house cleaning, bill paying, etc and found time to come to my house. Lucky me!

We had pizza, drank some Zima (well, I drank 3 bottles and he drank 1) and watched my "Red Dragon" DVD that he bought me a couple weeks ago. Then we tore each other apart in the living room, gradually making way to the bedroom with a trail of clothes behind us. We finally emerged two hours later....goofy, light headed and spent. Yes, I shall sleep well tonight!

Also, look! Tamila got me hooked up with this cool new template. We tried the other one but for some reason it wouldn't work with Blogger. So we decided on this one. Fitting, as the mermaid on top looks like Marylin Monroe....and I was Marylin for Halloween. Also congrats to Tamila on her first Blog troll. But in all seriousness it is awful what this troll said to Tamila and did to her friend.

Tomorrow I shall go in the office and pull those folders for Monday. I'd rather do that than get up earlier than usual on Monday.

5 Blessings:

1. Good friends
2. Good sex
3. A nice night with my sweetie
4. Wonderful sex
5. Wonderful sex ( I can post that twice because it was a double whammy tonight, heh heh)

2003-04-26T13:52:00.000-05:00

Reminders to my Self:

If I repeat these enough times to my self maybe I will start to believe them:

1. I am a ~~weak, insecure, clingy, needy~~ confident, secure, smart, independant woman.

2. I have a man who loves me very much.

3. I am a ~~horrilbe, inpatient~~ wonderful mother.

4. I have ~~hyper, terrible, wicked~~ lovely children.

5. I am having a ~~horrible, shitty, nerve-wracking~~ wonderful weekend.

2003-04-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

Ooops, there goes another late charge

Well, it looks like the DVD my sister and I rented won't be back by noon today. Screw you, Blockbuster.

I had buckets of fun last night. My son spent the night at my sister's place with his cousin. So, it was just Winter and I. I played with her and talked on the phone a bit. Then at 10pm I put her to bed and went to sleep myself. What an exciting Friday night! Me, in bed, (by myself, nonetheless) on a Friday night. Something is wrong with that picture.

Hmm. Maybe tonight will be better.

I was wicked tired last night anyway. Work was hell on wheels. Not that it was "bad" but very busy. Nearly every patient that came in got therapy. I had them lined up waiting. We saw 30 patients in the morning and at least that many in the afternoon. On top of that, there were three new patients between 1pm and 3pm in addition to the regulars. I didn't even have time to pull Monday's folders, so I may have to slip in the office sometime this weekend and get them pulled. I'd rather do that than go in early on Monday.

On a happier note, I finally got my raise. .50 cents more per hour than I was getting which is excellent. My overtime pay will really be good. I shouldn't complain, though. Because at Hell*Mart it was 90 days before I got my raise and I have only been with the doctor for a month. My raise will go into effect on May 5--Oh, Cinco De Mayo! break out the tequila!

Not much else is new. Mark and I saw House of 1000 Corpses on Wednesday. It was an interesting movie. Memorable and demented are a couple other words that come to mind.

My sister spent the night on Thursday. We watched movies, visited Faith's grave, took Tom to his Yu Gi Oh tournament and played with her Karoke machine. Mark came over for dinner.

Rae found this lovely mermaid templatefor me. (Lower left hand corner of page) The mermaid does resemble me and I would love to use it as a template but don't know how.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Real player?

5 silver linings on my cloud:

1. I got my raise
2. It is the weekend and I can sleep in
3. hmm....let me think.....
4. I am still alive (I guess that's good)
5. My kids aren't sick.

2003-04-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

Friday Five

1. What was the last TV show you watched?

The last TV show I watched was Tuesday, on the Sci-Fi channel. It was something about real life hauntings caught on video tape.

2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem?

The last thing I complained about was my eyes. We had a busy day in the office this morning and just before lunch my vision was getting all blurry.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?

My daughter, Winter. I told her I liked her hair (and I guess I should say I complimented my sister, too, because she french braided Winter's hair)

4. What was the last thing you threw away?

A white sheet that was on a patient's folder saying when he was supposed to come back in.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?

Fangoria

2003-04-24T23:26:00.000-05:00

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
who, squatting upon the ground
held his heart in his hands
and ate of it.

I said "Is it good, friend?"
"it is bitter...bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
and brecause it is my heart."

--Stephen Crane

2003-04-24T17:01:00.000-05:00

1. You've been given the chance to go back to a point in your life and change a single decision you made; you'll lose everything that happened since then, but you'll get to live in the shiny new parallel timeline that develops. Would you? What would you change? And would you want to keep the memory of this timeline, too?

No, I wouldn't. Because any decision I would chage would cause me to lose everything important to me (my kids, Mark, etc) and it's not worth that.

2. If you could legally sell your vote in the next Presidential election -- hand someone a signed, blank ballot in exchange for money -- would you do it? And what price would you ask?

I sure would. As the quote says The power is not with the people who cast the votes but with the people who count the votes. As for the asking price, I would sell it on EBAY to the highest bidder. Yeah, I know, not the most patriotic, idealistic thing to do but baby needs new shoes!! LOL

3. What one object do you own that has the most sentimental value to you?

Faith's lock of hair and her foot and hand prints that the hospital gave me after she died.

2003-04-23T18:23:00.000-05:00

Bitch, Ima Kill You!

Not a good day.

In fact a very shitty day.

And I will be kicking me some doctor ass.

But for now I'm going to go mess around with Mark. I will write more when I get back.

2003-04-22T12:00:00.000-05:00

April 22: The *What Is* Edition
What Is...

1. Yummier: Chocolate ice cream or strawberry cheesecake? chocolate ice cream

2. Better to watch on TV: Movies or sports? Movies

3. A better web browser: MSIE or Netscape (or tell us your own favorite!) I have only used MSIE. I have no clue about Netscape

4. A better way to travel: Automobile or bus/train? Auto

5. Your preferred camera: Digital or film? Digitial. If you take a crappy picture you can see it right away and fix what is wrong. LOL

6. A Cooler Vehicle: Motorcycle or sports car? Sports car

7. More fun: Video games or board games? Board games can be much more fun if alcohol is involved

8. Sexier: A perfect body or an intelligent mind? intelligent mind--but a nice bod doesn't hurt, either

9. A stinkier smell: Skunk or gasoline (petrol)? Skunk. Call me Geraldo--oops, I mean crazy--but I like the smell of gasoline.

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: What is more important to you: making a ton of money and being at the top of your field, or finding your soulmate and living a comfortable but not wealthy life? Easy. Finding your soulmate and living a comfortable life. That is what I am doing now, although we don't live together yet.

2003-04-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

Tonight Sucked

I ended up drinking Tequila and smoking cloves.

When the stress is too much I resort to alcohol and cloves. (Some wierd part of my mind justifies smoking cloves since they aren't "real" cigarettes--a bit of Jen Logic for you, there).

Part of my mood was just winding down after being alone with Doc for the past two days and knowing that I made it. I did fine. In fact the man was in a wonderful mood this afternoon. I got to do therapy on Mark (OOH baby!) Doc told me to do an ultrasound on his neck/shoulders.

So I came in the room and had him take his shirt off and just as the dirty thoughts are running through my mind Doc shouts "Jennifer!" from the other side of the door. I thought "oh hell. What now??" And he goes "You two behave yourselves in there." He was just funny. Then I teased him about getting a raise. That if he gave me a raise maybe I could pay for dinner this weekend. He laughed and said "Oh you are pressing your luck...asking for a rasie AND dinner!" I said "I figured I'd butter BOTH of you up".

So yeah, he was in a good mood. I am sure the $1400 he got in the mail today helped his mood tremendously.

But back to my funk.

Money is tight everywhere. I hate that. And I am supposed to be moving out of my house in June..which is a good thing....this place is too small. But it is going to cost a small fortune. I wish like hell I could have a room mate to split the cost of rent and utilities. But room mates are hard to come by when you have two kids. *sigh*

LOL, a line from an OLD song just came to my head: "saving nickels, saving dimes, work until the sun don't shine. looking forward to happier times..." Except I won't be going to Blue Bayou.....

2003-04-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

My Cat

shall rue the day he was born.

It's not good enough for him that I have to get up at 6am, feed and clothe myself and the children. Oh no. He must wake me up at 5 am to feed and water him. He could not wait one more hour.

It's not like he was starving. He eats all day and night.

I tried my best to ignore his continuous meowing but it was useless. He just got louder and louder. I tried throwing my Cosmo magazine at him but it didn't work. I considered throwing my book at him but by this time I was already wide awake. So I stomped out of bed calling him every thing I could think of and dumped half the bag of cat food in his dish. I then growled at him "THERE! Are you happy now????" And flopped back into bed mumbling promises of making his life miserable.

I notice he is staying away from me this lunch hour.

Work is tolerable. I don't like being alone with the doctor. I have nothing in common with the man so have no way to conversate with him other than office related things. Then he asks me all these stupid questions like I have no clue what's going on: "Did you leave those copies on Brenda's desk?" "Did you stamp the back of the checks?" "So and So has therapy in the back". No shit! Thanks for the clue, Barney.

I got Winter's pictures back from the day care. God, she looks like a doll. I'll have to get it scanned and in here.

5 thank you's for today:

1. no folders or cards were lost or difficult to find today
2. Brenda will be back tomorrow
3. my new blue outfit is gorgeous and comfortable.
4. Some of my favorite patients came in today.
5. Mark will be there at 5:15 tonight.

2003-04-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter

Just "hopping" in to wish everyone a Happy Easter and to say that I had a wonderful time with Mark. We spent most of the day in bed....making love, talking, having hot, sweaty animal sex *evil laughter* and then we went out to lunch.

We just now got back from Wal*Mart. I picked up some groceries and had the oil in my car changed at TLE. Thankfully I didn't see Mike

I decided to empty my inbox since it was pretty darn full (Aurora now you can send me the sea themed wedding ideas, please! *smile*) Anyway, while I was doing that I see this letter from my ex husband. He was all pissed off becuase in my last post (in my gratitudes) I said that I was grateful I had seen lots of different things and hadn't spent my whole life in one town like Alan or Brian. I didn't mean it in an insulting way..I was just stating a fact. And this is the reply I got in my email box. Not in the shout outs, mind you, but in the email:

Jen,
first of all Happy Easter.
I read your blog while the eggs were cooking lol.
I just want to say about your Blog for today.
I do not know about Alan's situation but I cannot afford to date now, let alone travel. IF I could afford to travel and had a special someone to go with me, there are a lot of places around the U.S id like to travel too: The grand Canyon, Pearl Harbor, some Civil war battlefields out east. Anyplace there are Palm trees
As for living my life in a single town not knowing anything about the world is not accurate. as a child I've been to Houston, Pikes Peak in Colorado, Tennessee, both K.C & St. Louis. I've also been to MT Rushmore in South Dakota. Adventure land with you when we were engaged. Besides where a person lives does not correspond to their knowledge of the world.
If you had wanted to go to Maine when we were dating we could have gone, it was just never thought of. By the time Maine came into life we could no longer afford it. & when I did get the 2000 bonus, you had already decided to move in with Ron. I would have gladly Moved to Maine in Jan of 2001, but you chose Ron so that you would have had the choice to continue to be a homemaker as opposed to be forced to work as you would have been with me or the way you have to now since Ron got arrested last year. know you feel that Mark is your soulmate & I am happy for you, but I will always feel that we could have made it if we would have hung in there a little longer.
I am not trying to sound pissy in this e-mail. It is just I felt insulted with the remark regarding Alan & me. it made us sound like a bunch of hicks. I have no doubt that Alan is a "hick" But I am not. Alan is about as smart as Keith, (dumb as a post) I consider (and always have) the farm for me a job, not a life. I do NOT plan on being on this farm my whole life. I will not die farming unless some type of accident happens before I am ready to leave. I am not working on my degree for nothing. Even if I were to decide to "stay" on the farm till retirement, the farm will not last long enough for me to do so. Cornell & I cannot do the work of five people with just the two of us. At best it would be a seasonal job with regular jobs in between planting & Harvesting, and if it does come to that arrangement I would NOT stay on the farm & then focus on the new career in the business world. I may not be as "professional" as some city-boys YET, but I am not the pick-up driving, nascar watching, devil music fan, beer-drinking hick like Alan or other rednecks. Believe me, No one in the civilized world wants or needs a vacation more than I do. I listen to talk radio, watch the stock market & other economic signs & politics like a normal person. my political views are based on my life's events as they happened to me & how I was treated by people from both political parties. Not because of my family, or events from my child hood. Once again I am sorry if this letter sounds pissy but I was upset by the "Alan & Brian" remark. I really hope you have a Happy Easter.
Love, brian

So, since he didn't put it in the shout outs, I decided to post it here for him.

Alright, I'm off to Mark's now...but first

Twenty Questions - Sunday 20th April 2003: Love/Hate/How Many?

1. Which household chore do you really hate? dishes
2. Which chore do you like doing? dusting
3. What is the worst job you've ever done? "zoning" the shelves in Hell*Mart
4. What would be your dream job? swordboat captain
5. What's the worst job you can imagine? being a telemarketer
6. What is the happiest event you've experienced? meeting my beloved Mark (that's right up there with having my kids and meeting Stephen King)
7. What is the saddest thing you've experienced? the death of my daughter, Faith.
8. Have you experienced true love? I sure have. I feel it everyday with my sweetheart.
9. Is there anyone you hate? Why? I hate Mike for making me feel so foolish.
10. How many countries have you visited? none, I am sad to admit.
11. How many houses have you lived in? too many to count
12. How many towns have you lived in? 4
13. How many schools/colleges have you attended? 2 high schools, 1 college
14. How many cars have you had? 4
15. How many people live in your house? 3 (myself and my two kids on Tues., Thurs. and every other weekend--"ah, the beauty of divorce" she said sarcastically)
16. How many pets have you had? I've had the same cat for 14 years
17. How many siblings do you have? 3--2 brothers and 1 sister, all older than I am.
18. How many drinks make you drunk? 3
19. How many websites do you have? 2
20. How many hours a day are you online? probably 3 when all added together

2003-04-19T14:21:00.000-05:00

I am the star that rises from the sea --
The twilight sea.
I bring men dreams that rule their destiny.
I bring the dream-tides to the souls of men;
The tides that ebb and flow and ebb again --
These are my secrets, these belong to me.
--The Sea Priestess by Dion Fortune

I spent the night at Mark's last night and had a dream of roses. I dreamt that someone had sent me 18 dozen pink roses. And I wanted to take one vase of them to Doc's office but he wouldn't let me. Frankly I am surprised I didn't dream of the night sky and glittering diamonds in the sea. I thought for sure I would after watching the vacation video.

It was sad watching them. Sure, it brought back a lot of good memories (I had great fun everytime I went) and it was good to see that I am a heck of a lot skinnier now than I was back then. However, it was sad because I wish I could go again but it is just not an option right now. I'll be moving out of my house in a couple of months and I need to save money for that. No fair.

Mark was uncomfortable watching the videos because Ron and I were together in them and joking, laughing, etc. Naturally it would be difficult for him to see that. I know I would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

Now I am at home trying to get caught up on a few things before I go back to his place. So far, I've cleaned the fish tank, cleaned my closet, washed my sheets, and fed the cat. Now I am going to shower and get comfy for tonight.

Easter is going to be sad this year. I don't have Tom and Winter. They will be spending Easter with Brian and his family. I have baskets ready for them when they get home, though.

Bought myself a lovely outfit from Maurices last night. It is a long, light blue skirt with a "shark bite" hem and a fitted blue top with bell sleeves. It is very beautiful and it actually looks nice on me. I can't wait to wear it Monday. I swear Doc should give me a clothing allowance. If I was to ask him he would just laugh at me, though.

Today's "Thank You's"

1. I am thankful that I have very good memories. That I have been places and done things that have moved my spirit so much. Some people (like Alan and Brian) live their whole life in one place and know nothing of the world.

2. My beautiful blue outift.

3. I got all my work done now I can go play with Mark some more.

4. My new Mermaid desktop theme...it is wicked cool.

5. Waking up and seeing that Mark was watching me sleep. (Hope I wasn't making any wierd noises or drooling, LOL)

2003-04-18T12:04:00.000-05:00

Yay!! It's Friday!

First off, here is my Friday Five:

1. Who is your favorite celebrity? Stephen King (although he does not consider himself a celebrity), Brendan Fraser, Liam Neeson, Harry Connick Jr.

2. Who is your least favorite? Adam Sandler, Gwyenth Paltrow---can we say "annoying"?

3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life? yep! I met Stephen King in November of 2000. It was a moment I will never forget. I talked to him and had my picture taken with him. Woot!

4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not? No, I wouldn't because everyone would judge me and be watching me all the time. I wouldn't like that. I would like the money, though!

5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why? I would love to trade places with Stephen King for a day. I'd like to see how he thinks....besides, he lives in Maine in a nice house.

Another Five:

Today I say thank you to the Goddess because:

1. The morning went smoothly (I was running the office single-handedly today! No office manager)
2. Doc thanked me for working so hard.
3. Mark is coming in as a patient today!
4. Another "new old" patient...which brings our total (counting Mark) to 25...just 5 more new patients and we each get $100 bonus!
5. My son

2003-04-17T14:02:00.000-05:00

I didn't like the Thursday Thumb Twiddler, so I found this onThe Goddess' blog and decided to give it a go. I think it's supposed to be for Wednesday but as usual I am a day late and a dollar short. LOL

1. What if you fell in love with someone who insisted that the two of you live happily ever after... on a houseboat?
Then I would be a very happy woman!

2. What if you could brew a potion to make anyone you want fall in love with you, but you would know it is a magical love and not true love?
I wouldn't use it. First of all it would interfere with their free will and give me bad karma. Also I would want them to love me for ME not because of a spell or potion...but I must admit it would be tempting.

3. What if you could create the perfect man/woman for you to love?
Then I would be a Goddess. But I don't have to create him. He is already here. He is faithful, loving, honest and fun.

4. What if your lover wanted to spend their entire life in a single town and never see the rest of the world?
Then he would be very lonely (amen to that answer, Tracy)

5. What if you could look into the future and see the man/woman with whom you would one day fall in love and marry -- would you leap at the chance, or leave it to be a surprise adventure?
My future is right in front of my eyes. But if I could go back in the past and see the future, yes I would do it in a heartbeat.

2003-04-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

You know the end is near when:

(A) you see a man who has two assholes...one above his buttocks in addition to the usual...

(B) you are "hit on" by a man over the age of 60 who pulls his pants so far down for therapy you can see his ass and when he stands up his "weasel" is standing at attention

and finally

(C) you hear a rap song sampling parts of Beethoven's "Fur Elise".

**Going to hide in my underground bunker

2003-04-15T12:17:00.000-05:00

Back to the Grind again....

I had a nice evening with Mark last night. We didn't do anything special, really, just did a lot of talking, made love, went to dinner and visited Faith's grave. It was his first time there and I was hesitant...I didn't want to freak him out. Some people are so wierd about grief and things like that. He was wonderful and sympathetic.

As I pointed out to him, my grief is a lonely thing. It is a place inside me that no one can fully understand (except other mothers who have lost a child). Yes, my ex is her father and yes, my parents are exceptionally wonderful and supportive however no one knows a mother's pain. And I hate that. I hate being alone in that pain. It's like a tiny island within me and no one can reach me.

I told him I wished that I could just lay my hands on him and say "It feels like THIS". Not that I want to him to hurt...but just so he could understand for a moment how it is.

Frog came to pay a visit while we were out at the cemetary. I think it was a sign from Faith.

Work is alright....very slow, though. We had 10 patients this morning and only 13 scheduled for this afternoon. Compare that with 30 yesterday morning and 35 yesterday afternoon. The phone has been dead, too. So I am trying to hide from the doctor and look very, very busy. Which is next to impossible.

Anyway, here is my "Tuesday This or That"

1. File taxes as early as possible, or wait until the last possible minute? Early as possible! I want that return, baby!
2. File electronically, or mail paper forms? electronically
3. Prepare your own taxes, or have someone do it for you? I have a friend do mine for me
4. Are you a saver or a spender? spender!!!
5. Do you prefer to carry cash, or pay with plastic (credit/debit cards), or by check? check
6. You're broke and desperately need a job, but the only places that are hiring are retail or fast food places. Which would you pick? LOL, retail as I have worked that particular hell before.
7. Keeping track of your money: are you more meticulous or careless about it? I am careless..I need to get better about that.
8. What do you do if you find yourself with a lot of change weighing down your purse/pocket/wallet? Do you try to spend it to *get rid of it*, or do you put it in a jar or a piggy bank? I put it in a jar or my kids' piggy bank
9. Which form of fake money do you like better...Monopoly money or those chocolate coins covered with gold foil? Umm, the chocolate kind.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You find a wallet containing $5,000 in cash, as well as several credit cards and the owner's drivers' license. Your rent is due tomorrow and you're short $200. Do you take the money (some or all of it) and mail back the wallet anonymously...or do you return the wallet with all contents intact? I'd return the contents of the wallet along with a note saying I found it and that I am a divorced mother behind on her rent and hope the guy would give me some of his dough.

2003-04-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

"Cast your eyes on the ocean, cast your soul to the sea.
When the dark night seems endless, please remember me."
--Loreena McKennitt, "Dante's Prayer"

This photo was taken in Portland, ME last year. I thought the rocks looked like a perfect place for a mermaid to sun herself so I took their picture.

It was the last day of our vacation. The next day we would be leaving to come back to this hell hole. I remember leaning against the fence (with the Portland Head Light behind me) staring out at the sea. I was wondering how deep the water was...how badly would I get hurt if I just jumped in? Then I wouldn't have to go back to Nebraska.

It's funny, on the video tape Ron captured me staring out like that. He called my name twice and I never heard him. Finally he whistled and I looked over at him. I was completely unaware that he was taping me all that time. I was lost in the rythm of the waves.

After dinner, when it was dark, Ron took me back to the lighthouse park. I had to see it at night. I crawled through a hole in the fence and ran uphill in complete darkness. I heard the sea off to my left (the hand where a pearl now sits) and I could also hear a bouy bell off in the distance. As I reached the top of the hill (panting, shivering from the cold wind) I saw the light....flashing out across the water.

To this day I cannot say *why* it affected me so profoundly but it did. I just cupped my hand over my mouth and began crying...sobbing. It was so perfect, so beautiful. I remember feeling sorry for the lighthouse. How many years had it stood there--alone--guiding the ships safely home? It was also so majestic! Standing so tall and bold in the night. A short story by Ray Bradbury "The Fog Horn" came to mind. Finally I came to my senses and just threw my head back and said "Thank you!!" to whoever was listening for blessing me with that moment. I still can't talk/write about it without crying.

Ron finally caught up to me (he was never one for running uphill in the black of night) and I made him video tape it. Then I called my parents on the cell phone and climbed to the edge of the cliff and held the phone out so they could hear the ocean and the bouy bell.

When we got back to the hotel room I wrote about the vacation and gave thanks for all the many things I had seen and done. In regard to the lighthouse I wrote about my journey in the night to find the light, and then "I knew I was home again. I could have laid down and died. Never has there been more perfect peace, more "belonging" in my life. When I am an old woman I shall remember all this. I close my eyes now and see all the beauty. With tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart I say farewell to the sea, knowing that I shall return. Her call is too strong to ignore."

My 5 gratitdues:

1. seeing Mark and my son interact so well. Tommy likes him so much and Mark is so patient and giving with Tom.
2. peaceful evening with the kids (and no, I didn't have to take a week's worth of Klonopin, LOL)
3. Finding this picture of the sea and all the happy memories it brought back for me.
4. The Snarky One taught me how to overcome the "right click disabled" thingy
5. Got two songs downloaded off of WinMX that I have been trying to get for the past two weeks.

2003-04-13T17:33:00.000-05:00

Sunday sucks.

Sunday means that Monday is right around the corner. And Monday means getting up early and working until 5:30. Ugh.

I wish I didn't have to work. Wouldn't it be nice just to play all day?

I can't complain. This weekend hasn't been too bad. The kids and I have been enjoying the fresh air and beautiful weather.

My honey came over this afternoon and fixed the mirror on my car. Just before Brian gave me Taurus (after our divorce) he was backing out of the garage and he knocked the mirror loose. So, for about a year and a half the damn thing has been dangling. Even when I dated a mechanic it didn't get fixed. He was too busy with his laundry and sleeping to do anything for me. OOH, Do I sound bitter or what?

Mark got it fixed though. I swear there is nothing that man can't do. He knows so much about so many different things. It's amazing. It makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. LOL But that is nothing new.

I had pizza delivered for lunch and I even let him borrow one of my sacred DVD's. And that is really saying something because I gaurd those with my life. heh heh I will take good care of him tomorrow, too! I gave him a little taste of what was coming tomorrow and he made a quick exit holding the DVD's in front of him growling about how mean I was. *wicked laughter*

Well, it is time for me to take a week's worth of Klonopin. Tom and Winter are at each other's throats and I am strung out......

Give me some love.

2003-04-12T23:17:00.000-05:00

It was a gorgeous day today.

Mark and I took the kids (his daughter, Tom and Winter) to the park. We stayed there a couple hours. It was the first time the kids had met and I think overall it went well.

His daughter was a bit reserved and Tom kind of felt left out...what is a 9 year old boy going to do with two 4 year old girls? LOL But he was very good. When Alyssa (Mark's daughter) fell down right away Tom was like "Are you ok Alyssa?" I am so proud of my boy. He has a heart of gold and if (Goddess forbid) I ever lose him I might as well die.

Then we all went to Burger King for lunch. It was cute seeing all three of them sitting together. There was no fighting or overly hyper stuff. Winter got a little tired toward the end of lunch and wanted to lie down on the bench but it wasn't a big deal.

After that I came home and while the kids watched thier Harry Potter movie from Michael, I just meditated. I was able to get into a really deep state and I think it was very beneficial for me. It is so refreshing. My body felt renewed after that.

Mark came over a little while later and put gas in my car and played Yu Gi Oh with Tom. He is so good with Tom and and Tom really looks up to him.

Tomorrow he is fixing the mirror on my car. He is so good to me. He has done so much for me...fixed so many different things in my life. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to deserve a man like him.

I really have to thank the Goddess, I have been so blessed lately:

1. Today in the mail I got an $88 credit on my phone bill
2. due to my recent sickness all my clothes fit looser...especially the ones from last year
3. Jennifer came over last night and helped me switch my clothes around
4. Mark loves me and we have a future together
5. the bright sunny day today and finding time to meditate

2003-04-12T22:56:00.000-05:00

1. What is the furthest you've ever travelled? Maine
2. Which meal is the one you cook best? lasagne
3. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Lerner's, Gordman's or Maurice's
4. What is your home town famous for? since my home town is San Diego (not this hell hole I currently reside in) I would say it is famous for Sea World, La Jolla Coves, and the huge Navy Base.
5. What was your best subject at school? English/creative writing
6. What sort of music would you never listen to? COUNTRY (Unless forced to)
7. Is there anything you would never eat? There are a lot of things I would never eat...Chineese food being one of them.
8. How many languages can you speak? What are they? I speak fluent "Bitch-eese"
9. Which sport do you like playing or watching the most? Soccer (something very satisfying about kicking that ball)
10. Can you play a musical instrument? Which one(s)? No
11. What is the worst illness/injury you've ever had? Mono when I was 15
12. Which blogging tool do you prefer? this one right here
13. What was the last charity you gave to? PETA
14. How many romantic relationships have you had? oh dear God...let me count...since I was 15 I've been involved in roughly 30 relationships....after my divorce I have had 5 counting the one I am in now.
15. Where was the last restaurant you visited? LMAO, Burger King with the kids today
16. Have you ever seen a band live? Which one? Yes, I have. I have seen Matchbox 20, Harry Connick Jr., Rod Stewart, Red Hot Chili Pepper, Pearl Jam, and Styx
17. Which famous person would you like to meet? Why? I've already met Stephen King (that was my goal in life) so I guess now I would like to meet Bill Clinton or Harry Connick Jr. Oh, and why...because they are sexy. LMAO
18. Have you ever been on television? No
19. Have you ever stayed overnight in hospital? yes
20. What is your ultimate ambition? to one day live in a comfortable house on the New England Coast with the love of my life. ;-)

2003-04-12T01:32:00.000-05:00

"But If you could
do you think you would have
traded all the pain and suffering?
Ah, but then you would have missed the beauty of the light upon this Earth
And the sweetness of the leaving."
--Calling All Angels

I went to my daughter's grave tonight. I was decorating it for Easter.

When I got there I was shocked to discover that another baby has been buried next to her grave.

I guess it was such a shock because for the past (almost) 6 years no one has chosen that spot. So we had a lot of room to decorate.

The pile of fresh dirt upon the grave was also very disturbing.

In a matter of about 10 seconds, a million thoughts went through my head:

1. "Oh, that's nice. Now she has a neighbor." (even though I know she is not there.

2. "OMG, how sad! Another family going through this hell called grief."

3. "I wonder what happened to the baby?"

4. "Now I won't have enough room to decorate."

5. "I wonder if I will ever meet the parents."

6. "I am honored they chose to put their child's grave next to my daughter's."

The thinking process of a grieving mother is a strange and wonderous thing.

I cried immediately. The pain was so horrible that I doubled over and wrapped my arms around myself. I shouldn't have gone out there alone.

Then as I walked to the car to get her Easter bunny and the other decorations I saw my tears fall on the grass...the pavement...in the trunk of the car.

Anyway, it looks cute there with the bunnies....but it drives me insane. This pain is so awful. Most of my readers are grieving mothers so you know where I am coming from.

I immediately tried to call my parents but the line was busy. So I called Brian and told him about it. I didn't call Mark because he had his daughter and I didn't want to spoil his time with her, although when he called me later in the evening and I told him about it he said it wouldn't have been a big deal and that I should have called. But it didn't feel right. I didn't want to put a damper on the happiness he has with her as he very seldom sees her.

Ugh, April is hard. April 15 Doc Sellon found out that there was something wrong with her heart. Then on April 18 we went to Children's Hospital in Omaha and found out the extent of her heart problems.

On a happier note, Brian's cousin Michael came over and brought the kids the new Harry Potter video. I know Tom was excited because he saw it in the theater with me and my brother Randy this winter. As for Winter the Girl she liked it, too. Although she played shy with Michael from what mom told me.

He is Winter's Godfather and he spoils them rotten.

I got my Winter clothes put away and got my Spring clothes out. My friend Jennifer came over and helped me out. That was fun. She was a welcome distratction. And I gave her a bunch of clothes that were too big for me or that I just didn't like.

One thing...my summer shoes are gone. I am going to have to buy some new shoes!!!!

Tomorrow I get to see my sweetheart Mark! I cannot wait. I feel like I haven't seen him for a million years.

2003-04-11T12:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, here is a quick post about my visit with Monty yesterday.

Firstly, I have lost a good amount of weight (not something I was trying to do) so the nurse kind of looked at me disapprovingly and said "You've lost quite a bit of weight kiddo".

Then when the man came in I told him my symptoms and he was quite puzzled. He pushed on my stomach--right up under my ribs in the middle--and it hurt so bad. He says it could very well be an ulcer.

But first he wants me to cut out the green tea pills because the large amounts of caffeine in them could be irritating my stomach.

Mark and I looked in a book at Hastings about herbal medicine and the side effects of green tea pills were everything I had.

I will write more about it later sinceI have to go to back to work now.

Also I was having hideous cramps at work today. I actually thought I was having a miscarriage instead of a period.

I told the doctor and he told me to get on the table. He did some adjustments and I'll be a son of a bitch if I didn't feel 100% when I got off the table.

Cool

2003-04-11T12:03:00.000-05:00

1. What was the first band you saw in concert? Rod Stewart

2. Who is your favorite artist/band now? Too many to name: Harry Connick, Jr, Linkin Park, Melissa Etheridge, Evanescence, Godsmack, Lorenna Mc Kennit

3. What's your favorite song? "Dante's Prayer"-Lorenna McKennit, "My Immortal"-Evanescence, "At My Most Beautiful"-REM, "Rock Bottom"-Eminem

4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be? Piano

5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why? Harry Connick Jr. because he has a smoooth voice, oozes class and can play the hell out of a piano. I'd like to request a few songs from him. Also he has a fantastic sense of humor as I saw during his concert last year.

2003-04-10T13:54:00.000-05:00

"And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I."
--Eva Cassidy, "Kathy's Song"

At least the Nahant Sea Serpent was good for something...and that was introducing me to Eva Cassidy's music.

Speaking of the Nahant Sea Serpet (aka "Mc Loser") the other night Tommy and I were at Food 4 Less getting some milk. Well, as we walked in he saw this display of Boston ferns. He goes (in this smart ass voice--wonder where he gets that from?) "Oh! Boston ferns. I wonder if some of them came from NAHAAAAANT." He kills me. Absolutely kills me. I had no clue my son could do a Boston accent. And then the very fact that he recalls meeting the Sea Serpent....unreal.

Ok, I am ready to go see Dr. Sellon. I am wearing my new light brown dress, light brown shoes and my Liz Claiborne purse. My hair is down, soft and wavy. Sublte make-up. I look very professional. I can't wait to tell him I work in a doctor's office now. He will be so proud of me. Wouldn't it be the shit if he offered me a job? Oh, hell yeah! More money, working under him (ok that sounds bad) and the prestige of saying I work for him. The worst part would be that one weekend a month. Maybe I will just stay with Mahnke due to the cake walk schedule I have.

My poor friend Jennifer is still looking for a job. I wish her the best of luck. I found out yesterday 46 people applied for my job at Mahnke's. I don't know why they chose me out of all those people and hired me on the spot but I am eternally grateful.

I am so nervous about going to Sellon's....ugh..my tummy is sick and likely he will chew my ass for taking water pills, green tea pills and not eating.

2003-04-09T23:28:00.000-05:00

I am sorry for being such an awful correspondant lately. I haven't been surfing the blogs much either and I am sorry for that, too. I have been an awful friend and I feel terrible about it. Some of you have sent emails and I haven't really responded.

Please know that it is nothing any of you have done or said. It's just that I feel like I am being stretched too thin. I love my job but it has really changed my life. I have to get up early, get the kids up earlier, have us all dressed, fed and out the door by 7:10. Then I am at work until 6pm on Tues and Wed. So, it has been hectic.

And in order to gain strength I have been taking green tea pills and living off caffeine. I don't really eat much during the day becuase I simply don't have time. It has become a chore and I think that is what is wrong with me. So my stomach is used to going without food. So, when I *do* feed it--it doesn't know what to do. I am just thankful that Monty will be seeing me tomorrow. He will take care of me. He always does. There is no doctor better than him.

Tomorrow is my easy day. I get to go in at 8 and will probably leave between 10am and 11am. Sweet. Then it is Friday.

Speaking of Doctors the one I work for was in a rarely seen good mood today. That makes me happy. He worries me when he gets pissy. He intimidates me because of his degree and income, etc. Even though he is a cowboy and listens to that hill billy music (and yes, Tam and Theresa I saw you two carrying on about Devil music in my shout outs!!!!! LOL)

Mark and I had a good night I guess. We went out to dinner and then did some shopping. I ran into a few friends at Hell*Mart. Yet again I praised the Goddess that I no longer work there.

Then we went back to his place and I got very sick: my heart was beating hard, my eyes wouldn't focus....I felt like I was going to panic or pass out. So I had some juice and I had Mark distract me. That helps. Just lying in his arms helps.

But he kicked me out so I could "go to bed early" and get some rest. I'd rather have been with him but I guess I am of no use when I am sick and panicky.

Tammy, I am curious about this gift from New Orleans....home of Harry Connick Jr.!!! Tell me!!!

I am so lucky. I have the best friends in the world.

5 thank you's:

1. Work went quick and the day wasn't bad
2. Mark was there for me when I was sick
3. Loretta told me I looked so good....that I didn't look as stressed out as I did when I worked in Hell.
4. Seeing this cute Easter frog at Hell*Mart. Even though I didn't buy him he was still cute...all dressed like a gardener.
5. Laughing at the stupid shit Brenda said at work.

2003-04-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

If my life at this exact moment was to be named after a song, it would be"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park. I am a bundle of raw nerves...just like that song.

My daughter is driving me insane. She is such a demon. I think it is her goal in life to drive me totally insane. She is just wound up tighter than a spring tonight. Goddess help me.

So, the doc leaves the office at 5:50pm tonight leaving me to lock up and tear down the therapy rooms. Cool. I am more than happy.

I tear the rooms down, gather up the trash, turn off the lights and look at my watch. It is exactly 6pm. "Excellent", I say to myself "now I can go home!" I walk over to the closet to get my coat and..

*feel something*

I stand completely still. I am dumbfounded. Could I be so lucky?

I take another step...

a small voice inside my head says "I bet that is your period."

I drop my purse on the floor and run like a mad bastard to the restroom. And sure enough..it is!!!

*HUGE sigh of relief*

I have been so lucky lately.

It's not that I am opposed to the idea of having a child with Mark, because I would love to see what our child would look like and to share that kind of bond with him. However, I am not ready right now. There are certain things I am not ready to give up just yet. I also don't relish the thought of stretch marks, fat tummy, retaining water, etc. So bearing all this in mind I nearly fainted with relief.

And how funny is that, that Aunt Flow waited until the *very moment* I got off work to arrive. Her timing is always impeccable.

The stomach is still feeling icky. So I called Dr. Sellon's office and I will be seeing him Thursday. I think a lot of it is due to my hypoglycemia and the green tea pills I am taking for energy in the mornings.

Thank you Tamila for the Hello Kitty Mermaid key chain! It is the sweetest thing! It just made my day! You are so good to me! I love you, honey.

And thank you to Tammy for the reading...which was very accurate!!

Tamila sent me to this place and I thought it would be interesting. This week's questions were kind of weak, but there is hope for future weeks.

This or That
Who is:

1. Sexier (female)...Pamela Anderson or Jennifer Garner? I don't swing that way
2. Sexier (male)...Ben Affleck or Matt Damon? Matt Damon
3. The better piano player...Billy Joel or Elton John? Billy Joel
4. Funnier...David Letterman or Craig Kilborn? Craig Kilborn
5. The dumber cartoon cat...Stimpy (of *Ren & Stimpy*) or Tom (of *Tom & Jerry*)? Stimpy
6. A better news anchor...Tom Brokaw or Dan Rather? Tom Brokaw
7. A better TV chef...Emeril Lagasse or Jacques Pepin? Emeril
8. The trashier talk show host...Maury Povich or Jerry Springer? Jerry Springer
9. The worse fast food burger joint...McDonald's or Burger King? McDonald's
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: Only a handful of U.S. Presidents have been considered to be *great* Of the following two, which one do you consider to be greater...Franklin D. Roosevelt or Abraham Lincoln? Why? Abraham Lincoln....he wore a lot of black clothes. hahahaha

Speaking of Presidents, etc. I am so sad. When I picked my son up today my mom told me that he had been crying today. She asked him what he was upset about and he said he was worried about the war and "what if America didn't win?"

I'm sorry. I don't want to talk politics. This ISN'T about politics. This is about the heart of a mother: It breaks my heart into a million pieces knowing that my son has that fear in his heart. War is such a huge concept....Goddess only knows what is going through his mind about it. I don't want to RATIONALIZE it. I just want to say that this is very sad. I want a better world for my child. Can I just say that?

I have not been watching any of the war coverage. So he is not picking it up at my house. Brian says that he doesn't watch it at his house either. I know school is talking a bit about it because they are doing that "Operation Shoebox" program where kids gather up stuff for the soldiers...which I think is a nice idea.

But I just hate that he has that fear in his heart. He has always been so sensitive. He is not the type of boy that like violence or seeing anyone hurt. His heart is soft like his mother's.

Dammit, it just makes me so angry.

Thanks be to the Goddess that my mother was with him and she handeled it brilliantly. She told him that there was no way we would lose, that we had taken over much of thier country and that the bombs they had could not reach America. She also told him of the CIA and how they watch these people so they won't hurt us. A simplistic view, I know, but that is all a 9 year old needs to know about it.

Ok, my bitchfire has burnt out now.

5 "Thank You's":

1. My period came. WOOT!
2. Dad is doing so much better. He didn't have to wear his oxygen today.
3. I made it through the day at work.
4. Good hair day.
5. Get to go shopping and be with Mark tomorrow.

2003-04-08T00:10:00.000-05:00

Black Roses and Hail Mary's can't bring back what's been taken from me

In case the line above didn't give it away, I am listening to The Offspring.

Today was a busy day at work. And I am pleased because it seemed that the afternoon was over in a blink of an eye. The doc was in a pissy mood though, because lots of people cancelled in the morning due to the snow/slush/crap storm. Also he got a letter in the mail stating that he owed the IRS money. So that did precious little to improve his mood.

I was talking to him today about my icky tummy. I said "Didn't you say that one of the bones in my back could be causing indigestion?" He said "Yep". So I told him how I had been feeling (leaving out the hormonal symptoms such as sore boobs, etc). I said "Do you think that bone could have anything to do with it?" He said "It has EVERYTHING to do with it." So he did my adjustment just before we left. I was much calmer this time. But I still got a head rush. I started laughing and telling him how goofy I was feeling. He said "That's why I did it so late in the day. Get goofy on your own time."

And thus far, I am feeling alright. Of course I had two hours of pure, animal sex with Mark. That could be helping things, too. hahaha! Certainly can't hurt any. (Well, maybe it hurt just a little *wink, wink*)

He is such a doll: he shoveled the snow off my stairs and made a path to my car for me. He even brought my mail up. Didn't even have to ask him. What a thoughtful guy. A good "mule" as my dad would say. hahahaha Then he took me out to dinner because he said he wants to make sure I am eating and getting good nutrition.

Today has been a lucky day for me. Besides the fantastic sex and Mark being a good "mule", I got the first check from myphen fen settlement.

In all my vanity I took the evil pills back in 1996. I lost 30 pounds total...10 pounds a month. I looked like a skeleton and had real pale clammy skin. Everybody was concerned for me. Telling me I didn't need those pills, blah blah blah. But I bought into the Beauty Myth that I had to be a skeleton to be attractive.

Jan. 1997 I found out I was pregnant with Faith and stopped taking the pills. During her C-section delivery my heart starting throwing out bad rythms. So an echocardiogram was done showing that I have a leaky valve. At the beginning there were two valves doing it: bicuspid (?) and Mitral. Now it is just the mitral.

So, anyway I got a check today. I am damn pleased and am actually thinking of *gasp* opening a savings account with it. True, I could easily spend it at Lerner's of New York, but I think I will try to be responsible for once. Besides if my "visitor" doesn't arrive I won't be buying clothes at Lerner's. I'll be buying them from the Maternity section at Gordman's. But we won't think on that right now. I am sure it is just nerves.

Thank you all so much for your love and concern these past days. I am hoping this latest adjustment from the doc will help things. I promise if I am not better by Monday I will go see Dr. Sellon (As if my arm has to be twisted to see him, LOL) Besides I have to brag to him that I work in a doctor's office now. =-) Make him all jealous. Maybe he will offer me a job there! hahaha

And a big hug to Rae for the much needed laughter! Now that I am no longer an employee of Hell*Mart I think I may try out a few of those suggestions! Love you sweetie!

2003-04-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Tammy for the information regarding the meaning of the robin. Very interesting. It sounds all good to me. And I look forward to seeing what the cards tell her.

Everything that could possibly fall out of the sky has fallen (and continues to fall) since yesterday: snow, sleet, rain, hail, thunder. Nasty wierd stuff.

This eating business has become a big pain in the butt. It is like a chore to me to have to eat. But I try to eat something when my tummy starts in with it's queasiness.

Well, today my stomach is doing just the opposite...when I eat it gets sick. I had a breakfast bar this morning and it got all sick. I just finished lunch and after that I felt even worse. Maybe I will just have my stomach removed. LOL

But enough of my bitching.

Here are 5 happy things.
There is great power in the words "thank you":

1. being in a secure, loving relationship
2. my sweet babies
3. getting compliments at work on my clothes
4. my mom telling me she is proud of me for doing everything I do on my own. She knows how hard it is for me.
5. I feel the Goddess near me....watching me, protecting me and blessing me.

2003-04-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

Eh

I am tired of this "icky tummy" thing. It comes and goes whenever it feels like. I wonder if it is from the green tea pills I am taking or if having my back adjusted did something to it. He asked me before my adjustment (when he was looking at my X-rays) if I had stomach trouble. I told him I didn't. Because before the adjustment I didn't. I sure do now though.

As I mentioned to Mark it's not like I am sick, I just feel queasy on and off. But it could be worse.

Not a whole hell of a lot to report except that and the fact that I am tired as hell. Damn this Daylight Savings Time.

Mark and I had a nice weekend. Just kind of laid around his place talking, having sex (see Tammy I told you I would do it just for you) and watching movies.

When I went to bed last night I didn't feel tired but after lying down for about 15 minutes I felt like I had swallowed an industrial strength sized Klonopin. I laid there trying to go over Friday's events in my mind (i.e. "What did Mark and I do on Friday?") but it wouldn't come to me. And I think I more passed out than fell asleep.

Mark said he tried to initiate some loving with me this morning but I don't remember him even touching me. All I remember is having a nightmare that my mother died. It was awful.

I need to do some research on birds....and if there is any divinatory meaning to them. Friday night Mark and I came back to my place so I could pick some clothes up and as I was unlocked the door this robin came flying out from under my porch roof right over my head. Scared the bejesus out of me. So I am wondering if there is any meaning to that.

Birds kind of freak me out. I remember when I was pregnant with Winter (I was still married to Brian) and we lived in Arlington. We had this big bay window. I was looking out the window and a bird flew right into the window. He smacked his wing on the glass. It scared me because I thought it was a bad omen that something was going to happen to the baby. But I guess I was wrong because Winter is just fine.

The snow has begun. It is a very wet snow and has me fearing the power will be cut off.

2003-04-05T09:31:00.000-06:00

On a happier note...

I am at Mark's house now. Again I am sneaking on his computer while he is in the shower.

I am going to have to get him off his ass and have him put XP on my computer. I am still running Windows 98 and for the brief time that I had it (when I lived with Ron) I got terribly spoiled.

Am feeling somewhat premenstrual which an extremely good thing in this case.

I know Mark would do the responsible thing (he has told me what he would do if something "pops up") but I would fear he would grow to resent me in the future. Things are so good for us now I'd hate for an unexpected pregnancy to ruin everything.

Besides all that I don't think I am personally ready for another one. I have other things I'd rather do with my life right now. I already have two lovely, living children and one beautiful angel girl.

We are supposed to be getting huge amounts of snow tomorrow. I hope they are wrong.

Looking on the bright side:
1. I have very good friends (on line andin real life)
2. I got paid, albeit no raise until next week
3. I maintained some sense of self control at Hell*Mart last night and didn't buy any new clothes
4. The new patient is very funny and works retail. He works at Hy*Vee and calls it "Hell Vee" --which I found quite ironic
5. Doc told me about the ghost that haunts the office (as his office is in an old Victorian style house)

2003-04-04T12:13:00.000-06:00

Damn I am in a bad mood.

Nothing I can put my finger on. I was mad 'cuz it was sleeting when I took the kids to daycare, I found out I won't get my raise until NEXT WEEK because I started on a Wednesday and I have to be there 3 FULL weeks. Whatever.

I just feel unloved...akward...sore...nervous. All that good stuff.

Fitting that today is a sucky day, for it was a year ago today I met the Nahant Sea Serpent in person in Salem. McLoser.

But I got over that, so I'll just tell myself about this situation that "This too shall pass."

I'm going to find something to amuse myself for the rest of my lunch hour.

(That sure sounded perverted)